Ad

Collapse

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

You Cannot Have Drama and Be Happy at the Same Time

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • You Cannot Have Drama and Be Happy at the Same Time

    You Cannot Have Drama and Be Happy at the Same Time

    Disagree with that? Okay, then prove it...

    Question 1:

    You’re in a heated, personal argument with a woman you really care about in a serious relationship. She’s not yelling and screaming, but she is clearly very upset, and doing the usual irrational feminine stuff of hurling personal attacks against you and accusing you of things that make no sense.

    In the middle of her doing this to you, are you:

    A - Unhappy, even if just a little bit

    B - Happy

    C - Absolutely neutral and uncaring

    If your answer is B or C, please explain your answer in detail, and prepare to have it challenged.

    Question 2:

    Guy A has a serious OLTR he sees three times a week. He is a very happy man who lives a great life. His OLTR is really cool and fun. During the entire month of January he receives absolutely zero drama from his OLTR for the entire month.

    Guy B is identical to Guy A in every way, except for one thing. Like Guy A, Guy B has a serious OLTR he sees three times a week. He is also a very happy man who lives a great life. His OLTR is really cool and fun. During the month of January his OLTR throws drama at him a total of six times. Four times are minor spats that are irritating but dissipate quickly. Two times are bigger arguments that last past 20 minutes.

    Assuming everything else is equal with Guy A and B within that month, and only with regards to the 31-day time frame of January, chose one:

    A - In January, Guy A was generally more happy than Guy B, at least a little bit.

    B - In January, Guy B was generally more happy than Guy A.

    C - In January, Guy A and Guy B were exactly and equally happy. There was absolutely no difference whatsoever.

    If your answer is B or C, please explain your answer in detail, and prepare to have it challenged.

    I can't wait for your answers...
    How to have 3 hour meet-to-lays and nonmonogamous relationships with any type of woman:
    The Blackdragon Blog

  • #2
    B, minor spat that leads to awesome angry sex, she knows she was wrong, she likes the fun of it.. if she gets out of hand, next and radio silence a week or more.

    I am hard to affect with drama, theres a threshold i wont tolerate, once crossed very long next or complete removal of her priveleg..ie. me

    Edit: im calling this option d since i dont argue, nor tolerate it.. just saw the 20min argument bit.. ultra schewed q and a tho

    Comment


    • #3
      1) Closest to C maybe, thinking back to this stuff happening in the past it can be annoying but most of the time I just find it amusing; it's not the be all and end all it's just girls being girls, this is what they do from time to time; sure if she makes it a major habit I'll come down hard and if she really spends her whole time being a grouch, she's gone but girls are emotional creatures, they do this and you handle it and carry on.

      The main thing is why would you argue with girl bs? you don't do that with girls, not logically at least, it's like dealing with an angry customer, logic isn't what they want, they just want to vent; same with girls, when they start something it's not likely to be over something logical so you never engage it on a logical level.
      Like if she's trying to betaize you (if we must use the term) don't engage what she says, show her you're willing to walk away; if it's something stupid like she's mad at you because you were mean to her in a dream or some bullshit, act on how you are at the moment; if she's pulled it when your busy or at a bad time (betazation again), a simple look that says "cut the shit, now is not the time" should kill it off (and if she doesn't then next obviously); otherwise if it's a more relaxed point you can go any old way with it, shove her on the bed, pin her down and bite her neck while laughing and begging for forgiveness for being such an awful terrible mean nasty man to her; don't engage logically and always be willing to walk away and you'll be safe.

      As cactus eyes pointed out there's a limit, and if she crosses that limit then you act but at the same time you don't need to be a dictator (with an exception for girls that are into that).

      And finally to be honest if your entire happiness is pinned on your particular girl being happy and great 100% of the time your never gonna be happy, fuck I'm not always flying high and have plenty of times when I'm feeling less than great, girls are feminine and much more susceptible to their emotions, it's why we love them but still they're going to be a little crazy sometimes.

      One final thing, how come you give so much of shit about this? You're like me when I go looking for a feminist to start an argument with on forums, I know their arguments are retarded and I also know I'm probably just wasting my time by engaging them but if you're so confident in your beliefs why hang around here asking for a fight?

      Comment


      • #4
        The thing about drama, is that it usually serves a purpose. That purpose is to work out kinks and differences in a relationship with someone. AFTER the drama, is when people get closer to one another (and often have great sex!). It can also lead to discussions that work towards solving issues that two people have.

        If you bottle up all your emotions, and "pretend," you end up in a relationship like my ex husband and I had. We didn't communicate and after 13 years of marriage, plus two and a half dating before that, we barely knew each other. Sure, it seemed great on the surface, but all that lack of drama was really a lack of caring and a lack of real communication.

        Comment


        • #5
          I would say the answer is both A just to answer your specific question; however....

          I'm an ENFP personality type and because I am a feeler, I do not think all drama is bad and will make you unhappy in the long run. Perhaps in the month of January I am happy but if I had some "drama" where I have had to have a difficult emotional talk with my partner where we have a very open and honest communication then I'll have a lingering feeling of happiness for weeks to come. Agreeing with Lovergirl's comments in that after having a really difficult emotional talk with my partner, I feel really good afterwards. It was as if I was able to release all my pent up emotion and suddenly have clarity and I feel closer to my partner. As a result, my next few weeks feel really awesome. Despite me being an extrovert, my focus in other areas of life actually increases as a result of the peace of mind of having that emotional talk. I am the type of guy that tolerates some drama but don't entirely like it...I like the after effect of it. For me being able to practice talking in the emotional realm as oppose to the logical realm is also a nice change of pace and I always feel I have a sense of personal development afterwards.

          I took a course once where I studied the different types of happiness. Apparently there's two types: pleasure and enjoyment. Pleasure is the sensation you get from instant gratification like eating ice cream or watching TV: it feels good in the moment but doesn't leave you with that lingering sense of happiness. Enjoyment is a lingering sense of happiness you get from overcoming an obstacle or challenge which provides you with personal growth. I find that some drama (not all), gives you that opportunity to have a tough emotional talk where you can really get deep inside yourself and express it out to that person you are speaking with. The result is a closer bond because of honesty and a lingering sense of happiness as a result of being able to get through a tough emotional talk (as long as both parties reach an understanding).

          From a feeler stand point that tolerates drama, I welcome some "drama" up to four times a year (once every season roughly...) just to practice communicating in the emotional realm for personal growth and also to feel human. But I definitely don't want it every month (or worst several times a month), that would suck and drain my energy and distract me from work.

          Comment


          • #6
            I dont see 'drama'. I see respect and disrespect (yes the latter hurts!)
            When I see disrespect, I aim to shut myself off emotionally, and deal with it bluntly.
            (Punishment/reward is KEY in establishing healthy relationships. Why isnt this in 'relationships' btw?)

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Stealth View Post
              I would say the answer is both A just to answer your specific question; however....

              I'm an ENFP personality type and because I am a feeler, I do not think all drama is bad and will make you unhappy in the long run. Perhaps in the month of January I am happy but if I had some "drama" where I have had to have a difficult emotional talk with my partner where we have a very open and honest communication then I'll have a lingering feeling of happiness for weeks to come. Agreeing with Lovergirl's comments in that after having a really difficult emotional talk with my partner, I feel really good afterwards. It was as if I was able to release all my pent up emotion and suddenly have clarity and I feel closer to my partner. As a result, my next few weeks feel really awesome. Despite me being an extrovert, my focus in other areas of life actually increases as a result of the peace of mind of having that emotional talk. I am the type of guy that tolerates some drama but don't entirely like it...I like the after effect of it. For me being able to practice talking in the emotional realm as oppose to the logical realm is also a nice change of pace and I always feel I have a sense of personal development afterwards.

              I took a course once where I studied the different types of happiness. Apparently there's two types: pleasure and enjoyment. Pleasure is the sensation you get from instant gratification like eating ice cream or watching TV: it feels good in the moment but doesn't leave you with that lingering sense of happiness. Enjoyment is a lingering sense of happiness you get from overcoming an obstacle or challenge which provides you with personal growth. I find that some drama (not all), gives you that opportunity to have a tough emotional talk where you can really get deep inside yourself and express it out to that person you are speaking with. The result is a closer bond because of honesty and a lingering sense of happiness as a result of being able to get through a tough emotional talk (as long as both parties reach an understanding).

              From a feeler stand point that tolerates drama, I welcome some "drama" up to four times a year (once every season roughly...) just to practice communicating in the emotional realm for personal growth and also to feel human. But I definitely don't want it every month (or worst several times a month), that would suck and drain my energy and distract me from work.
              100% agree. I'm also ENFP.

              Sometimes an emotional low can lead to bigger emotional highs later.

              Also agree with ijjjji about respect/disrespect. But roughly speaking, I think BD's definition of drama is an argument where she disrespects you. Respectfully made arguments are not drama. At least the way I understand it.

              Hm, thinking about it, that's a reason I'm not so comfortable with this focus on "drama". I've had "emotional lows" in respectfully conducted disagreements, if the content affected me emotionally.

              As I said before, for me the "drama" issue isn't as central to a relationship as the "emotional high/low" / "emotional stability" issue. I can tolerate emotional ups and down but I have a very hard time accepting disrespect.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Blackdragon View Post

                Question 1:

                You’re in a heated, personal argument with a woman you really care about in a serious relationship. She’s not yelling and screaming, but she is clearly very upset, and doing the usual irrational feminine stuff of hurling personal attacks against you and accusing you of things that make no sense.
                You can have an emotional, heated discussion, without "hurling personal attacks" against someone too. There CAN be a level of maturity involved, where "drama" is more effective and less destructive.

                I'm an ENFP too, like half the people in this thread, lol, but also a female. When you say "no drama whatsoever" I think we interpret that as "don't express your emotions" which in the long run tends to be very bad, especially for certain types of people (often females, but a fair number of men too). I think there are ways to go about expressing yourself in a more healthy way, that sometimes the less feeling types still call "drama".

                If I bottle up how I feel for too long, it becomes very destructive and makes me very unhappy- often that is what CAUSES the explosive, unhealthy type of "drama", not expressing things when they should have been dealt with before. I NEED to be able to say hey, xyz is bothering me, and have a constructive discussion about it before it turns into a problem. Someone cutting me off for trying to address it, would NOT be good for my personal happiness levels.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Question 1
                  neutral and caring(outcome independence, but for me to be with the girl i have to care)

                  Question 2 i would not know how to answer since is unrealistic scenario of guy b(will explain before being challenge)


                  The topic of "drama" comes from the root of a lack of communication or system of communication in the relationship. Something may be bothering the girl, and/or there is something she wants to talk about or bothering her, she does not know how to express correctly... As i said in the "fixer upper" post. You can teach a girl, just like you teach followers/your dog, proper ways of communications for the benefit of the relationship(not one sided, but both).

                  To base happiness in relationships with women i do agree is some what important, i read a post saying "90% of your happiness is who you chose as a partner" there may be truth to that. But i do not really base my happiness in a relationship, maybe probably cause i have that area handle.

                  For me happiness when it comes from women is base on other priorities such as:

                  1.- can she sexually perform

                  2.- is sex good and often

                  3.- am i allow the freedom to do what i want when i want (this one is a big one)

                  4.- am i constantly sexually attracted to her.

                  5.- does she allows me to be my crazy self "Skills" the player, the blogger, the nutcase.



                  But to be honest my main priority is Freedom(for me freedom is, i can go to clubs when i want without issues), this is due i can coach any women to be my ideal prototype as i said in the "fixer upper" post.

                  for a dude like bd, priority is drama(his own definition which includes, yelling at him, screaming at him, silent treatment etc...) it may be a bit of trauma from the former marriage or who knows.

                  Actually what annoys me the most about my main, is not drama directed at me, is the drama not directed at me, when she is venting about something with negativity, that bothers me the most, which bd ironically does not mind, i actually mind it a lot. Usually i kill it fast by not by nexting but by saying:

                  "put it on mute"

                  "poor you, you are the victim"

                  "shut the fuck up"

                  and just like i have trained my dog, she automatically shuts the fuck up on command, no 5 minutes, no 10 minutes, oh god no 20 minutes. Usually i have to never resort to this since every day, we walk the dog together around 9 pm and she tells me about her day and i give her advice etc..(will explain later, when she does this irrational indirect drama)

                  Second drama that i will agree steams with the cheating model, in those instances when caught with my hand on the cockie jard... As i said in some other post, once or maybe twice a year(if any, sometimes 2 years go by), i deal with it she will give me, lets say 1 hour of drama not all at once but lets say spread 2 or 3 days, and back to normal(all she is looking for is reassurance that she is number 1 in the subcommunication).... I honestly can not see how that affect my overall happiness, actually it bothers me MORE, the indirect drama not directed at me, than this, just like a little girl she wants my attention, specially when i am busy(ex. me writing in a computer she wants me to pay her attention, so she would bitch about something)

                  Happiness is subjective and goes through stages in life:

                  For me clubbing=happiness
                  capoeira=happiness
                  looking good=happiness(health)
                  putting myself out there when writing in forums and reading and studding seduction=happiness. (actually probably higher than drama in my scale)
                  enough money not to be stress worrying about money=happiness
                  ability to go out and have the skills set to seduce people in general=happiness.

                  I do mind drama, but i do not base my overall happiness of it, nor do drama if the girl is trained properly should occur frequently to guys that know how to deal with women.

                  With all these being said, bd has good intentions, most guys do fall into the generalizations he often talks about, including myself in the past(i was there about 10-15 years ago). But as 0 points out the limited amount of choices you are this or you are that, or you are this other or that other, is something that annoys the shit out of me. if he would say words like the majority of, or most, and got rid of the boxes, and the awkward way of saying i am the shit, everybody else is lesser subcommunication, would be better, but i kind of understand that, then it would not be polarizing=less views=less money, i got it.

                  The idea that some seducers actually enjoy drama to me is also strange, but for example there are some sociopaths in the industry (julien rsd) that enjoy the women crying, yelling at them etc... When i was younger i experimented with that, is just a form of validation due to insecurity for most (not saying for julien).



                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Skills360 View Post
                    You have to be a lot more calibrated with sober chicks.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Two questions:

                      1. Is all conflict drama?

                      2. Is it assumed that you never actually did anything to justify her being upset?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Blackdragon View Post
                        You Cannot Have Drama and Be Happy at the Same Time

                        Question 1:
                        You’re in a heated, personal argument with a woman you really care about in a serious relationship. She’s not yelling and screaming, but she is clearly very upset, and doing the usual irrational feminine stuff of hurling personal attacks against you and accusing you of things that make no sense.

                        In the middle of her doing this to you, are you:

                        A - Unhappy, even if just a little bit
                        B - Happy
                        C - Absolutely neutral and uncaring

                        If your answer is B or C, please explain your answer in detail, and prepare to have it challenged.
                        Answer : A and most likely it's your fault. No-one sane can state that they are happy being personally attacked or being in a confrontation, regardless of the reason.

                        On the woman's part, relationship DRAMA is often the result of unsettled internal disagreements with something the guy has done, said or acted in the past and very often it has nothing to do with the the current issue at hands. The current shit storm is just a distraction of something bigger, whether or not not the actual issue is warranted is up for grabs.

                        Men have to lead and take responsibility for everything, guide her thoughts [via conversations] and emotions [via damage control]. If the guy is getting drama, he missed something or did not have the proper frame. So from that perspective it's the guy fault.

                        The situation in Q2 will less likely occur if the guy eradicates drama roots at all times. There is so much men can do and that's why is so important to screen. You basically pick what kind of problems you are going to deal with.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          This post will be my on-topic post directly relating to the OP. I'll make a second post answering some of your side-points.

                          I want to make sure that when I relay information to people, it's accurate. Seriously guys, I'm honestly willing to be proven wrong about this, but so far I don't see it in this thread, and that tells me something. You guys are some of the smartest on the internet, and so far, this thread is further proof that happiness and drama are indeed inversely related, as I've been saying all along.

                          It appears Stealth, ijjjji, O, and Kali more or less agree with the overall point I made in the OP, barring one or two "howevers", most of which I agree with.

                          Regarding those of you so far who disagree:

                          Cactus Eyes - Saying you're hard to affect with drama doesn't explain why experience *happiness* while a woman is going you drama, which you indicated by choosing option B.

                          Bottlejob - Your post is about why women give drama, and what actions you should take if you encounter drama (both of which I completely agree with) but that's not what I'm asking. Your post does not explain why you are absolutely neutral and uncaring while a woman you care about deeply is giving you negative drama, which you indicated by choosing option C.

                          Lovergirl - You didn't answer either question.

                          360 - Like Bottlejob, you described techniques on how to avoid drama, and some aspects about your current relationship. Again, this is not what I was asking. You did not answer the second question, and your post does not explain why you are absolutely neutral and uncaring while a woman you care about deeply is giving you negative drama, which you indicated by choosing option C. Moreover, given the fact you regularly tell your woman to "shut the fuck up," as well as your recent explosion to Qlue in a recent thread, tells me it's very unlikely you are "absolutely neutral and uncaring" when your gal gives you real drama.

                          So...yeah...anyone else want to challenge this?

                          I know this might be a tough pill to swallow, but think about it: If I was so wrong about this, don't you think it would be easier to refute my point? If the point I'm making really was wrong, 5-10 guys should be able to easily invade this thread quickly proving so with all kinds of easily explainable, rational points about exactly how and why a woman you care about giving you real drama makes you happy or neutral instead of at least a little unhappy. Hasn't happened.

                          Remember also that all I'm saying that drama creates unhappiness while the drama is occurring. I am not saying that some men (and women) don't "like" drama or "kinda like" drama or desire drama or tolerate drama for other reasons (validation, emotional high, emotional expression, etc). I am also not saying you can't be a really, really happy guy during the rest of your life in which your special gal isn't giving you drama.

                          Many people truly desire things that make them less happy. That's fine, and that doesn't make them wrong, but you can't argue it makes them more happy.
                          How to have 3 hour meet-to-lays and nonmonogamous relationships with any type of woman:
                          The Blackdragon Blog

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Now to address some of your side points, all of which will sadly require me to repeat things I've said hundreds of times already.

                            Originally posted by 0--- View Post
                            But roughly speaking, I think BD's definition of drama is an argument where she disrespects you. Respectfully made arguments are not drama. At least the way I understand it.
                            Correct. When I say, "drama," I'm using a very specific definition, which is:

                            Drama – Any harsh negative actions directed from a woman to man where the man is the target of said negativity. Screaming, nagging, complaining, arguing, demands, crying “at you”, threats, ultimatums, the “silent treatment”, refusing sex because of non-medical reasons, all of these things are drama, and there are many others. Drama is not “anything negative”. Specifically, it must be harsh (sweetly lying would not be considered drama) and focused at the man (angrily complaining about her boss at work would not be considered drama). Drama is a female trait. (Men have guy-drama.)

                            Originally posted by Lovergirl View Post
                            When you say "no drama whatsoever" I think we interpret that as "don't express your emotions" which in the long run tends to be very bad, especially for certain types of people (often females, but a fair number of men too).
                            Then you have a very shitty memory, since I have said perhaps hundreds of times that a woman coming to you and bringing a concern she has in a normal tone of voice, without any personal attacks, in a spirit of collaboration instead of attack or venting, is not drama.

                            Any woman I'm in a relationship with knows she can come to me with any problem in the relationship she has at any time, and I will not consider it drama if she does so in a normal tone of voice, with zero personal attacks, and communicates like an adult.

                            Never, ever, ever have I ever recommended anyone "bottle up" anything negative in a relationship.

                            Originally posted by DJ_Z View Post
                            1. Is all conflict drama?
                            No. As I explained to short-term-memory LG, and as my drama definition above states, not all conflict is drama, and a woman calmly bringing a concern to you is also not drama.

                            Example:

                            You pick her up and you're 10 minutes late.

                            If she gets in the car and immediately snaps at you and says "UGH! Why are you always so late???" THAT'S DRAMA.

                            However, if instead, later in the day she comes do you in a quiet tone and says, "Hey. Something is bothering me. You've been late picking me up lately. It really bothers me because of X, Y, and Z." THAT'S NOT DRAMA. It's conflict, and it's negative, but it's not drama. She's trying to solve a problem with you instead of venting emotions on you. BIG DIFFERENCE.

                            Any time a woman is upset with you, she has the ability to take a few deep breaths and calm the fuck down before she speaks. If she voluntarily chooses not to do this, she's giving you drama and in my world she's in for an instant soft next. This is because I only want happiness and it's not possible to feel happiness while a woman is giving you drama. If she doesn't want to get nexted, she'll bring problems to me like a mature adult.

                            2. Is it assumed that you never actually did anything to justify her being upset?
                            As I have said about ten thousand times, THE REASON FOR THE DRAMA IS IRRELEVANT. If she starts snapping at me about ANYTHING, even if it's 100% my fault, that's drama and its time for an instant soft next. I don't care if it was my fault or not. I don't care if she has a good point or not. I don't do drama, because I prefer happiness.

                            However, if she comes to me in a calm tone of voice and brings something to my attention that's bothering her about me in a spirit of collaboration instead of venting, NOW fault matters. Now, and only now, will I listen to her and see if things are my fault. There's only three possibilities when this happens:

                            1. If it's my fault because I was being inappropriate, I will sincerely apologize and tell her I won't do it again (or at least will try better in the future).

                            2. If it's my fault but it's because of the way I am, I tell her that's the way I am and I'm never going to change, and if she doesn't like it she can leave and go date some other guy, as I describe in detail right here.

                            3. If it's not my fault, I will tell her that it's her fault (or someone else's fault) and not mine, and that I am no longer interested in this conversation. If she persists anyway, she gets a soft next.

                            If she's screaming at you or calling you an asshole, it doesn't matter if its your fault, because she's not behaving appropriately. (Unless you like drama of course.)
                            How to have 3 hour meet-to-lays and nonmonogamous relationships with any type of woman:
                            The Blackdragon Blog

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Blackdragon View Post
                              Lovergirl - You didn't answer either question.
                              I'm not a guy and according to your definition men don't give drama they give "guy drama". So lets say I am the one giving drama. Then no, I am not happy in the moment, and I am less happy that month. Same if a guy is giving me "guy drama". However, I still think drama, however unpleasant in the moment, can serve a purpose, that ultimately helps have a better relationship. People need to be able to express themselves without having to walk on eggshells with one another. The truth is, that in life, people get ANGRY and UPSET with each other sometimes and I think its better to express that (in a mature way) than to get passive aggressive about it or let it bottle up.

                              Then you have a very shitty memory, since I have said perhaps hundreds of times that a woman coming to you and bringing a concern she has in a normal tone of voice, without any personal attacks, in a spirit of collaboration instead of attack or venting, is not drama.
                              You say that, but so do lots of other guys, and when a woman approaches them in a normal tone of voice and no personal attacks, they often DON'T RESPOND to it. They don't take it SERIOUSLY until they see you flip out. Therefore, it builds up.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X