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A big problem with emphasizing sub-communication

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  • A big problem with emphasizing sub-communication

    I'm hoping this new forum will be free of a lot of the crap posts that mASF had, but for reference this post was inspired by this: http://www.fastseduction.com/discussion/fs?action=9&boardid=2&read=111265&fid=105

    Generally speaking, for any relationship longer than a few casual fucks I think men would be wise to actually VOCALIZE that they don't want anything exclusive. So many times I read posts from guys ranging from amateurs to real players who wrote about the strong "sub-communication" of non-exclusivity they had engaged in, but now they fear their girl assumes monogamy between the two of them anyway.

    I think sub-communication is an important factor to be aware of, but some things just need to be said out loud to avoid any drama down the road. Telling a girl "I think you're a really cool girl, but I just want you to know that I'm not looking for anything serious or exclusive right now" can make your life much easier both in the beginning and later in the relationship, and honestly I've never once had a negative reaction from a girl I told this to. Quite the contrary, normally they appreciate the honesty.

    I believe this to be especially true for inexperienced guys trying to define a new relationship.

    Take it for what you will,

    ~Polo

  • #2
    I have always agreed with this.

    First of all, I don't buy that women will "get it" if you subcommunicate. People - even smart people - will interpret ambiguity in their favor as often as not, especially if they're feeling hopeful. That's why I try to be unambiguous about this matter.

    Second, she's going to ask you about it straight-up before long. I think that trying to give her the slip with evasive or C/F replies is fucking gay. It annoys me when people do that to me, so I don't do it to them either.

    Third, like Newman301 said a few threads down, honesty about non-monogamy has always worked out in my favor. Like Newman, I tend to hit them with it as early as possible AFTER I get my hooks in them. That's the important part - you have to be certain that you've got your hooks in. It seems to make women sweat me harder.

    If a woman is TRULY up on your dick, there's nothing she won't put up with. At least for a while. Go ahead and tell her she's not the only one.

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    • #3
      If you're a complete beginner at nonmonogamous relationships, then I agree.

      However if you're wanting to grow and improve, and you want poly relationships that last much longer than a month or two, you need do need to work on subcommunicating.

      I've tried it every way you can think of, with multiple women:

      1. Not verbalizing the poly, and not subcommunicating it.

      2. Subcommunicating the poly and NEVER verbalizing it.

      3. Verbalizing the poly.

      4. Subcommunicating the poly for months and months and then finally verbalizing it after your poly EFA is nice and wired into her system.

      I've done it all. I can tell you for a fact, if you want open relationships that last a LONG time with MINIMUM DRAMA, option 4 is the best. By far.

      (Remember that as a man, you're going to have lots of male biology/psychology that wants you to "tell her how it is" and "be up front". That's great, but that's not how women work.)
      How to have 3 hour meet-to-lays and nonmonogamous relationships with any type of woman:
      The Blackdragon Blog

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      • #4
        Originally posted by DNYC View Post
        Like Newman, I tend to hit them with it as early as possible AFTER I get my hooks in them. That's the important part - you have to be certain that you've got your hooks in.

        Yea, there's a narrow window in the beginning when I find is the best time to bring it up. With some girls it's after a few times sleeping together, while for others it's after the first time. If I get the impression the girl is inexperienced and likely to fall hard for me, I've been known to give them the heads up before we even sleep together, but that's just me.


        Originally posted by Blackdragon View Post
        If you're a complete beginner at nonmonogamous relationships, then I agree.

        However if you're wanting to grow and improve, and you want poly relationships that last much longer than a month or two, you need do need to work on subcommunicating.
        I'm not taking this personal because I don't think you meant it as an attack, but I've had non-monogamous relationships last anywhere from weeks to 2+ years. This ain't my first rodeo.

        As far as avoiding drama, my experience has been this: If you tell the girls in advance where they stand you face the possibility of either losing the girl (rarely), or getting shit tested to see if you mean what you say (more likely). Of course some girls just accept it and don't say a thing, and IME that accounts for about half.

        I've got friends that never say anything, and while they have no drama in the beginning, they normally have varying degrees of problems later on when she wises up.

        To each their own, but I think it's dangerous advice to be giving out as default to beginners, and quite frankly I think a lot of experienced guys will have problems with it too.

        ~Polo

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        • #5
          I have to agree with BD on a slightly different tune here. For me, the question is simply, "Why would you want to bring it up when it's not causing a problem?" If she brings it up, you give her a straight answer. But I think it's a problem that can largely be avoided by pre-selecting and screening properly so that you don't run into issues where you have a chick who's all Disney and then you end up with a shitfit at the end. One thing I have come to realize that that the easiest way to solve most problems is to avoid them altogether.

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