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Sticking point: going for a maybe

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  • Sticking point: going for a maybe

    Hi there,

    I've been thinking a lot about my life over the last few weeks, and I figured asking for your opinions might help me get different perspectives.

    As some of you know, I've ended my 3,5 years relationship with my main last Dezember, and somewhen in January another woman I've been seeing said she didn't want to continue that, which didn't really bother me all too much to be honest, for although I liked her somewhat she wasn't that interesting to me both in terms of sex and as a companion. I also think ending things with my main was the right choice, so that's alright with me still.

    Right after I ended my relationship with my main in Dezember, I met this 20-year-old Dutch woman who spent the night at my place (I think I posted a lay report somewhere about that one), and back at the time I figured she's living like 1000km away and I don't want to have another long-distance relationship right when I ended the first, plus she's like 8 years younger than me and most women I hooked up with before were my age or older so it felt weird at first. Figured this might be my very first ons that wasn't just the prelude to some long-term connection. But we've been keeping in contact and she'll probably visit me around the end of the month, having hinted she'd be very into fooling around when she does. There's another woman living about 200km from me which I'll be seeing again next week who is quite into open relationships/women and all that, so I'm looking forward to that one, too.

    So because you guys have been giving me some shit a while back, I wanted to find out whether I'm holding myself back unnecessarily in regards to women, and realized I have a really hard time of figuring that out. Sometimes when I go out I see a woman that I'm massively attracted to, and whenever that happens, it's usually mutual, so I will usually be going for her. Could be there are other constraints like a boyfriend and stuff, but if there isn't, it's usually smooth sailing. Because I know that from experience, I sometimes will be too calm about the whole thing and lose opportunities.

    One issue I'm struggling with is the experience that whenever I feel attracted to someone and the attraction is mutual, it will usually turn into some sort of long-term relationship because I will like that woman as a person as well. I'm not doing mono anymore and I'm very clear about that both to myself and to others if they ask, but for some reason I have this mental picture in my mind that she might be wanting a more long-term thing and I have to protect her from me who won't be offering her disney fantasy. I know from experience (and of course you guys) that this is stupid in most cases, but still I have a really hard time shaking the habit of wanting to protect others from their own decisions. Sure doesn't help I'm emotionally hyper-sensitive so I can feel other people's emotions of fear/doubt/etc.

    So when I see a woman that's somewhat attractive to me I will usually have this future projecting stuff going on in my mind where I'll figure out whether I'll be making her happy long-term or if this would just be a short-term thing she might regret later on. I know this is stupid thinking (partly because I might be good at predicting the future but I can't be perfect, partly because I have to stop taking responsibility for other people's lives), but knowing this is stupid doesn't seem to stop me from acting stupid anyway.

    I think deep down this might have something to do with another old issue of mine which is about avoiding to create situations which might turn out to make people angry or frustrated with me, or anger/frustrate myself in ways that I may not be able to handle. Usually I'll rather stay on the safe side with women and will only go for those I already know will be a very good fit, and I've become good at separating those from the ones who clearly are not a good fit. It does make me wonder though if I'm not throwing away a lot of perhaps-opportunities.

    I've been thinking about just doing some "practice runs" on women I can't clearly put into yes or no category yet without having any expectations of the outcome, but it seems kind of cruel to do that if I'm not that much into them. On the other hand, I'm currently reading a lot about selling where they talk about "qualifying", meaning to figure out whether what I offer is a good fit so you're not wasting both of your time, and I kind of like that concept. You guys got any advice to offer?

    Jester

    P.S.: The other woman I mentioned that has stopped seeing me after like 4 months or so was a "maybe" for me. She seemed nice (and was nice), but no massive attraction there on my part (she was constantly horny for me though). The experience was valuable to me I would say, but she was pretty fed up I didn't care that much about her.
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  • #2
    Good that you think about stuff, however there are some things you didn't think about!

    How about women can damn think AND decide for themselves what is good for them in the long run
    Even what is good in short run and not in long run, they could still ENJOY or LEARN from it, or at least EXPERIENCE it

    Girls do stupid stuff, girls do smart stuff

    It is also not cruel to TRY a woman at least and learn from it
    I mean if you're gonna be all that 'I gotta be sure' how do you know you are truly sure? Experience man, both sides, the full hits and the not so cool ones
    Haha, else you get people saying 'but you don't even give me a chance' (which is often for GOOD reason, I agree)

    Give women a little more credit man, let them RISK a bit more to learn from, or potentially enjoy... we don't have to be right all the time
    If you want to make all their decisions, you think of them indirectly as weak... it's not good
    Play a bit more at times, if some ONS that didn't lead to 'more' will hurt her, that's on her (as long it was a pleasurable ONS for both parties). ... she should learn ONS either doesn't mean a thing (yet) or she should avoid them...

    It's a grey zone, I know

    but you're afraid of hurting people (I had/have the same), it shows you care though, that's good
    buttttt if you truly care sometimes doing things can end with a little hurt, which women easily can overcome
    I was devastated to see my ex after our break up, seeing her hurt, seeing her process it not too well, but she's fine now, and I hope she feels like life is still always getting better for her

    Give a little space for women to act on their strengths

    Allow a little chaos, test your own strength etc

    There's a learning curve for what stuff is actually on your shoulders and what is on others, this will involve actually letting other people be a bit at discomfort at times or yourself.. stop being MR RIGHT ALL THE TIME, sometimes fuck up - you will learn from it

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    • #3
      This is about you being too controlling

      You want to predict outcomes in order to control outcomes
      And generally it isnt as much about helping others as you tell yourself because you actually cant know what is best for people so will just be placing arbitrary rules and moralistic judgements on them


      I try to set things up so people determine their own best path for themselves
      And I do that by encouraging them to go beyond naivety and to listen to their gut on things rather than bs and insecurity
      However, I know that no solution is perfect, and it will be hard no matter what they do, so they might just need some attention anyway, whether the best choice or not

      When it comes to conflicts with people my rule is simple
      No one can tell me my actions were nuts, and I wont say their reactions are nuts
      Cuz in most cases people are dealing with somewhat understandable expectations and arent being duplicitous
      However, we cant prevent conflict cuz neither side is perfect, so for example a person might be selfish or defensive at crucial moments
      But you cant just assume being open is a valid option to them... it isnt always a valid option, sometimes taking issue is the right path for the person, or even both people

      Stop trying to pretend you can be perfect jester, or that there is some FALLBACK of morality that will fix everything
      That fallback is an illusion
      You have to actively engage in things as well as you can, not sit in the backseat thinking that if you JUDGE THEM you will be more in the right than they are
      No, you are a participant too, and there is no escape square, you are in it



      Now if you are IN each situation with women
      GUESS WHAT
      You gotta stop having such depressingly low standards
      "boohoo I want this mono or that mono"
      No, you seem to want relationships with the 5 girls you know

      Dude, get to know 50 women, 500 women, then filter through all the knowledge you get and the conversations, to understand the kinds of girls you are actually motivatted by, to participate witth and become stronger for

      Right now, you scrape the bottom of the barrel
      That isnt an insult to the women btw
      It says a lot about how you see them though

      How can you possibly say they are quality with ANY CREDIBILITY when your thought process on picking girls is so insular
      It is like giving a girl a compliment that she is beautiful, then saying it to your mom, your sister, and your dog

      I think there was a Seinfeld episode on it,
      A guy called Elaine breathtaking, and then called an ugly baby breathtaking
      YOU NEED TO BE CREDIBLE before you can give out statements of worth otherwise you are just pandering


      So right now, I'd call you a Panda
      For panderer

      Stop pandering to women so much, quit that shit
      You don't want to pander to women because it ABSOLUTELY stops you from challenging yourself to examine them, and by not examining them you give yourself the excuse to ignore most details about them, and then PRETEND they are great and and project bullshit onto them and around them
      You might not get this, but you are one superficial motherfucker
      Why?
      Cuz all you do is create FALSE RAPPORT, which is created by
      1) she looks like a person i can connect with
      2) ok ive got rapport hooks in her
      3) look at these other easily accessible traits
      4) oh and shes cute-ish

      Rather than CHALLENGING those notions and beliefs and getting to LESS ACCESSIBLE parts of her nature
      LESS ACCESSIBLE
      LESS ACCESSIBLE
      LESS ACCESSIBLE
      Parts of her nature that you can only find by challenging her worth and searching for more information
      The kind of information that won't allow you to make FALSE CONNECTIONS OR TO PANDER


      Once you start getting more objective and less "you are safe in my subjective prison where everyone gets the same shackles and some bread and water"
      You will feel better about it and less like you can potentially DOOM women

      ffs
      A girl rejects me and she is not fucking doomed, ok?
      I reject her and she is not DOOMED ok?
      She has a fling and she is not doomed ok?
      I have a fling with her and I haven't doomed her ok?

      Each thing is its own thing
      Sure we can all be hyperbolic when we feel an emotion, but emotions come in differrent ways and for different reassons, you would be wise not to treat thhem all the same

      See jester... your main issue is you have this ingrained belief that you cant grow
      That you are inherently perfect or exempt from having to go outside of your habits and initial reservations
      But that is cuz you judge other people harshly, see them as having little value, SO YOU FEAR BEING LIKE THE PEOPLE YOU JUDGE

      Once you see you are no more than others and must improve as we all must, in every damn way
      You can then start to understand that interactions are REALISTICALLY always going to be imperfect and stop trying to control it
      But rather set realistic goals and outcomes

      Like for me, a goal might be to be fully in the moment with girl and decide at every crossroad what to do with my own emotions (real ones) and try my best as I go
      I thusly can't garuntee jack shit
      And cant say I'm good, or bad
      Cuz I'm fluid, spontaneous

      But I try, and that is enough for me, along with the experience I take in with me

      You gotta stop thinking you are perfect
      Break that down, get rid of it
      Loosen the controls
      Loosen the judgements
      Loosen the pandering and non credible justifications and vehiment attitudes
      Get down into the mud

      We all must do it
      You cant pretend to be perfect

      Comment


      • #4
        You have such a weak and chauvinistic and pathetic view of women, I'm surprised you don't get slapped in the face more lol.

        Women don't regret "short term things" that leave them feeling good man, most tend to be out for a full life experience, and will TURN YOU DOWN (duh, this is what they do 90% of the time) if something's not a good fit for them. Give them some credit to handle their own shit and decide things for themselves (and to let things develop naturally over time instead of being an unrealistic instant kind of thing you decide for them) instead of being this supposedly super-benevolent patriarch, except one that imposes white-knight worthy weaknesses onto them that you have to protect them from. You're "taking responsiblity" for pathetic weaknesses in women that don't even exist. Its disrespectful to women.

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        • #5
          I really did not understand the post read it 3 times, can someone please explain to me his problem and the sticking point... Cause i get the view that Jester is wired different, or just in some different stage were he looks for long term matting strategies...vs the banging a lot girls and screening... that is what it sounds to me... Again, Jester even when i tried that strategy of "long term matting" it never ever ever worked... surprise you make it work every time.


          Comment


          • thecostofsuccess

            thecostofsuccess

            commented
            Editing a comment
            he feels guilty if he doesnt offer a relationship

          • Skills360

            Skills360

            commented
            Editing a comment
            just lol cosy if true that is BEYOND RETARDED, JUST LOL...

        • #6
          Wow you guys are pure gold in so many ways

          Cosy, the "I'll call you panda" line was great, you should be a rapper, coming up with those lines on the fly.

          As you can imagine, your idea of how I am when I'm with people isn't 100% the way people usually perceive me, otherwise they would probably slap me in the face a lot more for real, but that hasn't happened even once in my life so far. As skills eloquently put it, I might actually be "wired differently" in some regards. I don't know, but usually both men and women get along fine with me.

          You are pretty much spot on about the difficulty of letting go thing though. Over the last few weeks/months I discovered I have serious issues truly relying on others. There's a family history of why this is the case that makes sense to me, but I'm having a really hard time overcoming that. Like, a few years back, I was constantly driving home severely drunk friends after going out with them, and although it was annoying at times it was alright with me. But to imagine myself being too drunk to get home by myself and relying on someone else to get me home gives me the shivers. I've even thought about just getting drunk for the sole reason at least once to experience someone taking care of me getting home safely, but then I never drink and figured there should be a better way that enables me to experience that without possibly having to throw up.

          So I decided I'd start my own company, which I'm currently doing, and it's at the same time pretty cool and freaking me out, because for the first time in a long time I put myself into a situation where I cannot predict with great certainty that I'll be able to deal with whatever happens on my own.

          I don't know, perhaps cosy is indeed right and this is some kind of perfection thing? The line about getting down into the mud sure resonated with me somehow (and also made me somewhat horny ^^). Thx for the replies so far, will think about stuff some more..

          Jester
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