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liking this one specific girl - how to deal with her mentioning other guys

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  • #46
    Originally posted by Dr Feelgood View Post
    Okay guys thanks for all the useful answers. Now the story with this girl continues. We got very close now but nobody spoke DIRECTLY about a relationship. I know her now for three months.

    she told me at one point that shes unsure with a guy she really likes (how much is he really attracted to me?) Despite her being approached pretty regularly. so she specifically asked me several times how much i liked her. And i answered in a very honest way.

    Now she's been doing this thing now recently where she would tell me about a sexual encounter of hers and then disqualify it whereas when we only knew each other for lets say a month she would only tell it without the disqualification.

    three examples from our last date:
    1) last year I was heartbroken, used tinder and fuckes three guys in a week (wasnt that good)
    2) here on this parkbench i got fingered (when we went for a walk) but that guy was a douche because of xyz
    3) we talked about my body for a second. I showed her a picture of me having an 8 pack (had it one time in my life for two weeks haha). She was playfully teasing me how it is photoshopped. And then told me about a guy she fucked that was competing in body building contests (not when they met but still in good shape). But he was probably overcompensating bc he had a small penis.


    so the structure is now always: i fucked this guy + but hr sucked.
    on the one hand i experience her as a very honest girlway. But on the other hand I wonder why she is even telling me all that?! Its not that i asked for it... so are these jealousy plotlines softened by the disqualifier?! Is she just a little insecure dhving her sexual market value?

    because well....i know how to be unreactive with this stuff. I tease her about it. But do i really wanna hear ALL of that stuff?! On the other hand i dont want to discourage her in order not to seem jealous or a little judgemebtsl. And i want her to srqy honest with me.
    Girls talking sex stuff is normal for them if they ARE sexual.
    Also normal is telling you why the dude was dumb, or she'd have tried to be with him.

    Sounds to me you find it abrasive to be spoken to honestly.
    The way I deal with this iiiiiiiiiiiiiis...
    (drumroll)

    I just accept it
    You learn to adjust

    But I'd be thinking "here is my escape hatch if she fucks me over"
    cuz no doubt shes a bit chaotic and is using the discussions to "unruffle" her feels


    If you want her to tone it down, tease her gently
    Encourage her but also tease her so she thinks a lil before she does give you ammo to get at her

    Like "oh heres where I got fingered"
    "should we get out the uv light, haha you are like a 14 year old boy, nah its good you are sexual, its important to be yourself like that"

    Just chipping away at it a bit.
    Don't use that line tho, lol, these things have to be calibrated totally to the girl and your relationship with her and how you say it.
    Otherwise she'll get suspicious you are judging her secretly.

    Comment


    • #47
      Originally posted by Dr Feelgood View Post
      three examples from our last date:
      1) last year I was heartbroken, used tinder and fuckes three guys in a week (wasnt that good)
      2) here on this parkbench i got fingered (when we went for a walk) but that guy was a douche because of xyz
      3) we talked about my body for a second. I showed her a picture of me having an 8 pack (had it one time in my life for two weeks haha). She was playfully teasing me how it is photoshopped. And then told me about a guy she fucked that was competing in body building contests (not when they met but still in good shape). But he was probably overcompensating bc he had a small penis.
      If you wanna push the "mature guy" button (warning: very risky!):

      "I like that you are sexual and open with me...means you've developed some trust in what we have together, and I really appreciate it!!!
      But why do I need to know this right now? Will it change us for the better, make us more connected with each other? (pause, let it sink)

      I know It's important to have experiences, to live life and to have FUN...believe me, I too have had my share of great sex and fuck ups!
      This shows we are free spirits not afraid to live life at it's fullest!

      In fact I'd rather talk about something more cool that we could do together, like that X place that recently opened and has Y food that I'm dying to try!
      Or that Y movie that looks like real fun!
      What do you say?"
      personal blog: https://realpob.wordpress.com/

      Comment


      • #48
        Originally posted by Dr Feelgood View Post
        ...on the one hand i experience her as a very honest girlway. But on the other hand I wonder why she is even telling me all that?!
        Because she’s testing YOUR boundaries. There’s no ‘tease her gently’ or ‘push this button’. RUN.
        ---
        In my world there is no good or bad, just sweet and evil

        Comment


        • #49
          Originally posted by Batfly View Post

          Because she’s testing YOUR boundaries. There’s no ‘tease her gently’ or ‘push this button’. RUN.
          Ha,
          Its why I say have an escape hatch

          Fact is, girls creating jealousy plotlines is NOT new
          It usually stems from her feeling you are not reactive enough
          So she probes at it until she "has your number"

          My last gf did this in a smaller way,
          BUT like I said, any LARGE use of this is... not indicative of a quality girl

          So if it doesn't calm down with nudges and playful stuff
          You gotta know you put yourself in a precarious "please cuck me now" position
          Which is maybe what she is REALLY testing for

          And if thats the case, you gotta be firm

          You know what I mean?
          You can't let yourself and your emotions get swept up in shit that is primed to explode
          THAT SAID
          It is so easily possible it is a nothing burger too, meaning, you probe around playfully
          See if she responds, how she responds
          And you get ready for the results so you dont ignore them if they are NOT what you are looking to hear


          Personally, I date two kinds of girls
          1) quality girls I know are quality
          2) less quality I know are not quality
          (I dont exclusively date good girls, though the ratio is much higher... I do need a bad STREAK.. as all girls have one aswell and im not that naive)

          In either case I know what they are
          Thats the important thing

          If shes a bad apple, know it, and know its your choice to go bad apple for a bit

          Comment


          • #50
            Originally posted by Batfly View Post

            Because she’s testing YOUR boundaries. There’s no ‘tease her gently’ or ‘push this button’. RUN.
            Every girl test boundaries...


            Comment


            • #51
              Originally posted by thecostofsuccess View Post

              Ha,
              Its why I say have an escape hatch

              Fact is, girls creating jealousy plotlines is NOT new
              It usually stems from her feeling you are not reactive enough
              So she probes at it until she "has your number"

              My last gf did this in a smaller way,
              BUT like I said, any LARGE use of this is... not indicative of a quality girl

              So if it doesn't calm down with nudges and playful stuff
              You gotta know you put yourself in a precarious "please cuck me now" position
              Which is maybe what she is REALLY testing for

              And if thats the case, you gotta be firm

              You know what I mean?
              You can't let yourself and your emotions get swept up in shit that is primed to explode
              THAT SAID
              It is so easily possible it is a nothing burger too, meaning, you probe around playfully
              See if she responds, how she responds
              And you get ready for the results so you dont ignore them if they are NOT what you are looking to hear


              Personally, I date two kinds of girls
              1) quality girls I know are quality
              2) less quality I know are not quality
              (I dont exclusively date good girls, though the ratio is much higher... I do need a bad STREAK.. as all girls have one aswell and im not that naive)

              In either case I know what they are
              Thats the important thing

              If shes a bad apple, know it, and know its your choice to go bad apple for a bit
              hey cosy,

              what do you mean with "So if it doesn't calm down with nudges and playful stuff
              You gotta know you put yourself in a precarious "please cuck me now" position
              Which is maybe what she is REALLY testing for"?

              so if I keep staying unreactive alternating it with teasing her for it from time to time she is thinking that I am okay with being cucked?


              by the way, an interesting comment of hers just came to my mind while reading your answer.

              her:" do you always stay so calm?"
              me: "what do you mean?"
              her:" when was the last time you had a real argument with someone?"


              she also asked me weeks ago how jealous I am.


              here is my interpretation of what is going on:
              so what I know is that she enjoys being so open with me for sure. then I know that I am causing her to make her question some of her own beliefs regarding men and women. I also know that she is interested in a relationship with me. So her mentioning these things is a mix of 80% sharing stories with me, 20% testing me?!


              I mean this thing with mentioning lovers/potential lovers and then disqualifying them is like such a prize framing, right?

              so making fun of her, framing her as a silly girl when she's telling me stuff like that 50% of the time and the other 50% of the time staying unreactive and talking with her about it is the wrong strategy because it will lead her to the conclusion that I don't want her bad enough or what?


              regarding her quality: she's a super fun girl to hang with, very intelligent, open-minded, good humour, really good sex, sweet and sexy, amazing body and a beautiful face + good relationship with her father (lol)

              Comment


              • #52
                I think she just wants to know if you'll flip out on her, if she does end up fucking somebody else. Cause its gonna happen eventually down the road. She's telling you she's not a monogamous type of girl. Your looking at her through rose tinted glasses because you've got oneitis. Where you'll ignore the red flags. I had a girl that had the same qualities you mentioned (beautiful face, great sex, amazing body, great sense of humor, feminine, good relationship with her parents) but she also had a drug problem (Molly, cocaine, weed) and she had fucked more than 50 guys before me. So I knew there was no long term future with this girl lol. B careful who you fall in love with.

                Like cosy said,

                "If shes a bad apple, know it, and know its your choice to go bad apple for a bit"

                Enjoy her man. She sounds like a cool chick

                ​​​​

                Comment


                • #53
                  Originally posted by Batfly View Post

                  Because she’s testing YOUR boundaries. There’s no ‘tease her gently’ or ‘push this button’. RUN.
                  Don't run. Test are expected and a good opportunity to make your boundaries clear, which sets the tone of the relationship going forward. They're also an opportunity to build attraction, every test you pass makes her more attracted to you.

                  If your boundaries are too much for the girl, and you stick to them through her tests without giving in, she loses her mind with attraction and longing for you, IE this thread: https://nextasf.com/forum/nextasf/of...895#post332895

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Originally posted by Dr Feelgood View Post

                    hey cosy,

                    what do you mean with "So if it doesn't calm down with nudges and playful stuff
                    You gotta know you put yourself in a precarious "please cuck me now" position
                    Which is maybe what she is REALLY testing for"?

                    so if I keep staying unreactive alternating it with teasing her for it from time to time she is thinking that I am okay with being cucked?


                    by the way, an interesting comment of hers just came to my mind while reading your answer.

                    her:" do you always stay so calm?"
                    me: "what do you mean?"
                    her:" when was the last time you had a real argument with someone?"


                    she also asked me weeks ago how jealous I am.


                    here is my interpretation of what is going on:
                    so what I know is that she enjoys being so open with me for sure. then I know that I am causing her to make her question some of her own beliefs regarding men and women. I also know that she is interested in a relationship with me. So her mentioning these things is a mix of 80% sharing stories with me, 20% testing me?!


                    I mean this thing with mentioning lovers/potential lovers and then disqualifying them is like such a prize framing, right?

                    so making fun of her, framing her as a silly girl when she's telling me stuff like that 50% of the time and the other 50% of the time staying unreactive and talking with her about it is the wrong strategy because it will lead her to the conclusion that I don't want her bad enough or what?


                    regarding her quality: she's a super fun girl to hang with, very intelligent, open-minded, good humour, really good sex, sweet and sexy, amazing body and a beautiful face + good relationship with her father (lol)
                    I think shes being rather arrogant to test you like this while simultaneously acting like a bad apple.
                    IF she was a good girl, she wouldnt do it with jealousy plotlines, shed just sort of wanna know the relationship ideas you have.
                    But you cant SOLVE these problems in a woman, only listen to them.

                    So if shes attatching "Im a wild ass bitch" to it, it means she WILL infact express her doubts, fears, frustrations, and insecurities via sex with other men.
                    This is UNAVOIDABLE.

                    So... if you were to comply with her request to go deeper in a relationship with her by being more reactive (read that, emotions and reactivity is deeper commitment)
                    It would mean you do so while implicitly accepting her attatching sex drama to the emotional realm...
                    In essence rewarding the behaviour with relationship and causing her to believe "this is the answer"
                    Then when pressed, she MIGHT just fuck dudes and then be like "i dunno! i thought it was the answer, but its not, im sorry?"

                    And you'll be like GODDAMN THIS SHIT HOLY FUCK, WTF, THIS IS SOOOO WRONG, GAHHHHHH!!!


                    If you cant see that coming, dude, get some smelling salts fuckin handy bro. Cuz you need to whiff that shit.


                    You saw me acting nice to girls, but what you didnt see is that Im acting like that WHILE AWARE of this shit too.
                    Saving my energy and my conflicts for where they matter most.

                    So like... conflict on small shit like convo topics or peoples answers is petty
                    BUT on shit that fucks with your emotions? Thats not petty... Thats where you cant afford to be nice
                    You can be FAIR AND DISCIPLINED, but not nice

                    No one is nice that deep down, we are all assholes
                    So is she.


                    She just also ties it to jealousy shit and that isnt good


                    Dont freak out on her, just be like fuck shes prolly a bad apple thats a shame, a real shame, id go deeper with her but this stuff is there
                    Shell start feeling that the sex jealousy stuff is the barrier
                    And well she either does one of two things...

                    She either randomly blows up at you giving you ultermadums
                    Or she goes grabbing other dicks to prove shes still in control of herself, her life, her happiness
                    (they never seem to "get it" and back off, though some do in rare cases)


                    You'll be like "i never even said you werent in control of it"

                    But this is the deeper nature of chicks and relationships, the emperors of chaos they become as they reach incredulity and disbelief at being unable to attain what they fantasize about


                    You cant give them what they want... so its about compromise
                    And bad apples dont compromise well, so you gotta be prepared with an escape hatch or you'll get fuckin mangled by her


                    All girls are sweethearts
                    So are all guys too
                    Doesnt stop a god damn one of us from doing what we do

                    So yeah... just be more neutral, know it may end, accept its end, and try to steer it away from it if you can, playfully
                    But yeah... this shit isnt a good sign ime



                    Suck up all those loose emotions, bring em in
                    Get your escape hatches
                    Look at the bad apple shit, foresee certain events, know your reaction ahead of time
                    Then as she slowly builds up to it poke at her playfully about it and establish to her you wont go into xyz commitment while shes trying to steal it... its earned...
                    its discussed maturely... its treated delicately...

                    so yeah

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