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  • How to Remove Your Need for Validation

    There are two main ways of removing the need for validation, and neither are about "talking yourself out of it".

    The first is to actually get validation, from many sources, in order that you begin to believe your own self-worth. Create a network of supportive people. Get one or more mentors for each area of your life. Ditch negative people from your life (if you live with your parents and they are emotionally naïve themselves, they can often be a strong source of pain and reduced self-esteem, and you should consider moving out as a priority). Seek validation in your work and hobbies outside of the area of women and sex; you want to be getting validation as a valued human being rather than as a seducer. This is for the simple reason that basing your own validation in your skills with women is building a house on very shaky foundations: it only takes one woman to say "no" to have you doubting yourself entirely. We see this frequently amongst community guys.

    The second method is actually to seek validation from the people you crave it from most desperately, including women, and to purposely feel the crush of defeat when it is (inevitably) denied to you. But don't just "touch" on the feeling: actually allow it to overwhelm you and reduce you to a feeling of profound loss. Cry. Grieve for what your emotional body feels it has lost (despite, rationally, your not having lost anything; your rational mind's assessment of a situation is usually vastly different to your emotional body's analysis, and it is generally more important for personal growth to attend to the latter). Like with the passing of a loved one, grief rewires your brain not to expect that person or entity (in this case, validation) in your life in future. It truly works.

    I used both methods to stop seeking validation on an emotional level. I also used the second method to overcome my fear of death (by accepting the inevitable loss of life). The first method is more about becoming a contributive, emotionally-responsive human being, with the right friends and mentors. In other words it is about having a life. The second method is more about cultivating a reliable and effective acceptance of reality. This ability to truly accept is somewhat lacking in people at the moment, and our society is ill as a result.

    I once made a fair assessment of "ego" when I was asked to define it. I said: "Ego is any process which attempts to prevent you experiencing the emotion of loss." Loss is certainly the one emotion not many people in this world are willing to experience, and they will go to great lengths to avoid even minor loss, such as losing face in a petty social squabble, or losing one's self-image of being a "tough guy" by crying or showing some other human emotion associated (wrongly) with "weakness". This is a real travesty, as loss is the single most powerful emotion for rapid reprogramming of the human brain, and for experiencing the beneficial paradigm shifts brought about by such rewiring.

  • #2
    Thanks for this!

    Comment


    • #3
      One of the things I found when I began to analyze my thoughts was that I did a lot of validation fantasies. They all follow a simple format. Take the automobile you desire most as a classic example. Rather than fantasies on how great it would be to be driving it, I realized that most of my fantasies were about how cool it would be to show it to all my friends and how people who in the past had dissed me or otherwise devalidated me would give me validation when I gave them a ride in my cool new car.

      This kind of thinking makes you a consumer slave and leads to a lot of disappointment. First you are disappointed because you don't have the stuff that would make you cool and get you lots of validation from others, and secondly when you do manage to get the object of one of your validation fantasies, you are disappointed when others do not give you the validation you expected and you remain your old uncool self.

      I found that if I could catch myself having those fantasies and stop, my need for validation went down. Needing validation is what they mean when they talk about needy behavior, and the real way to stop it is to actually need less validation. It also reduces your drive to buy stuff you don't really need and can't afford.
      The older the violin, the sweeter the music. Augustus McCrae

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Silvertree View Post
        One of the things I found when I began to analyze my thoughts was that I did a lot of validation fantasies. They all follow a simple format. Take the automobile you desire most as a classic example. Rather than fantasies on how great it would be to be driving it, I realized that most of my fantasies were about how cool it would be to show it to all my friends and how people who in the past had dissed me or otherwise devalidated me would give me validation when I gave them a ride in my cool new car.

        This kind of thinking makes you a consumer slave and leads to a lot of disappointment. First you are disappointed because you don't have the stuff that would make you cool and get you lots of validation from others, and secondly when you do manage to get the object of one of your validation fantasies, you are disappointed when others do not give you the validation you expected and you remain your old uncool self.

        I found that if I could catch myself having those fantasies and stop, my need for validation went down. Needing validation is what they mean when they talk about needy behavior, and the real way to stop it is to actually need less validation. It also reduces your drive to buy stuff you don't really need and can't afford.
        Its an interesting point, a lot of people buy things that are inferior just because they have a better status commercially.

        This actually probably translates to women too.

        Regards
        MadFerret

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Silvertree View Post
          One of the things I found when I began to analyze my thoughts was that I did a lot of validation fantasies. They all follow a simple format. Take the automobile you desire most as a classic example.
          That's really fascinating.

          As I was reading your post, my attention wandered, and my fantasy was of me driving a retro-fitted (with airbags and amazing car stereo system) classic mustang with the top down, rock music blaring, sunglasses on, a shit-eating grin on my face, and empty highway ahead of me.

          Shows that my need for validation lies elsewhere.

          Doing shit for the PURE ENJOYMENT OF IT is where we all want to be. I think sex can help with that because sex ought to be about pure enjoyment. When I was having sex last night, I couldn't stop smiling during the less intense moments. I was just so happy to be there, right then, with that particular girl. I think that's a big deal and something I need to carry out into all aspects of my life.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Silvertree View Post
            One of the things I found when I began to analyze my thoughts was that I did a lot of validation fantasies. They all follow a simple format. Take the automobile you desire most as a classic example. Rather than fantasies on how great it would be to be driving it, I realized that most of my fantasies were about how cool it would be to show it to all my friends and how people who in the past had dissed me or otherwise devalidated me would give me validation when I gave them a ride in my cool new car.

            This kind of thinking makes you a consumer slave and leads to a lot of disappointment. First you are disappointed because you don't have the stuff that would make you cool and get you lots of validation from others, and secondly when you do manage to get the object of one of your validation fantasies, you are disappointed when others do not give you the validation you expected and you remain your old uncool self.

            I found that if I could catch myself having those fantasies and stop, my need for validation went down. Needing validation is what they mean when they talk about needy behavior, and the real way to stop it is to actually need less validation. It also reduces your drive to buy stuff you don't really need and can't afford.
            This ties into the "craving" part of my post, and I deliberately chose that word because it reflects that what you are describing here can be thought of as an addiction of sorts: many people crave the validation of others to mask and alleviate the discomfort caused by what, at the bottom of it, is a pervading sense that they are inferior. Advertising is a major player in establishing this complex as its primary modus operandi is to tell you, repeatedly, that you are broken, and that only their product can "fix" you. This is also the premise upon which all religions are based. It is therefore down to any self-respecting individual to take the responsibility of limiting his exposure to such toxins. Stop watching television, stop reading junk magazines, and leave your religion if its focus tends to be on how broken you are (which, as explained, is all of them).

            Another way to reduce such cravings is to actually get what you crave in the amounts required to make the realization that no amount of it will actually make you happy. If someone tells you you're cool because you have a new car, that might feel good for a while till you realize you still have a hole where a feeling of fulfilment is supposed to be. Getting things and looking cool has never made anybody happy in any sustainable way, as the legions of depressed suicidal celebrities have shown us. However, it does take a modicum of mindfulness of oneself plus a serious amount of honest self-reflection and acceptance of truth to finally arrive at this conclusion. Do the majority of people truly show ability in making such a determination? I would say no, they don't. Again, you must take responsibility in cultivating these traits if you wish to develop such insight.

            So what is "valid" validation? What forms of validation can actually contribute to higher self-esteem? I think personal achievement is one, where you rose to your own challenge because something interested you, rather than because you thought it might impress somebody else (again, receiving praise may please at first but this pleasure will only last so long). Another is demonstrating to yourself, through doing, that you will stick to your own principles and do what you think is right even in the face of opposition. This is deeply validating and forms the very basis of self-respect. Finally, perhaps the most powerful source of validation is having the sense that you contribute something worthwhile to those around you, whether that be your workplace, family, social circle or local community. The sense of belonging, for a man at least, does seem to rest largely on the sense that he brings something worthwhile to the table. One of the most self-esteem-lowering facets of modern life for a young man is the nagging sense of redundancy, as his role in the world is now less clearly defined than it has been in times past. For this reason, a man must take responsibility in carving out his own role, instead of sitting around waiting for one to be handed to him. Whilst the method of achieving validation via contribution does very much rely on the feedback of others, its power in building self-esteem does serve to reveal our nature as a social animal: no man is an island, and self-esteem is to an extent drawn from other people. The man who "goes it alone" and learns independence through having no one to rely on, whilst a romantic notion, would generally not reach the level of self-esteem of a man supported by a reliable positive social network.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by gridlock View Post
              Doing shit for the PURE ENJOYMENT OF IT is where we all want to be. I think sex can help with that because sex ought to be about pure enjoyment. When I was having sex last night, I couldn't stop smiling during the less intense moments. I was just so happy to be there, right then, with that particular girl. I think that's a big deal and something I need to carry out into all aspects of my life.
              I think if you can learn to really be there during sex, that is a skill you will be able to apply to pretty much any situation. Sex is a tough one for many guys to remain present during, because it has so many connections to their own self-image. The way to become present during sex is, of course, to focus only on one's feelings.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Illuminatus View Post
                I think if you can learn to really be there during sex, that is a skill you will be able to apply to pretty much any situation. Sex is a tough one for many guys to remain present during, because it has so many connections to their own self-image. The way to become present during sex is, of course, to focus only on one's feelings.
                Yeah it is tough to push out thoughts during sex and just feel, but the rewards are great.

                Comment


                • #9
                  [QUOTE=Illuminatus;30571So what is "valid" validation? What forms of validation can actually contribute to higher self-esteem? I think personal achievement . . .[/QUOTE]

                  I have certainly based a lot of my self worth on achievement so I am not in a real good position to talk. Still, every achievement could turn into failure. I wonder if there is a deeper sense of self that is beyond achievement. Validation for who you are not what you do or the success you get. It might be deeper and filled with more self delusion but I like the idea.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Great thread!

                    Some quotes:

                    "Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence." - Vince Lombardi

                    "Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." - Antoine de Saint Exupéry.


                    For me, I seek validation from the art or the craft. It's not from a "person". If I'm doing something, then I do my very best to do things "dans les règles de l'art". I have a very acute taste as to what is beautiful and elegant and what is not, and tend to do things in a way that if I completely lose memory and see something I have done, I would say "This is beautiful".

                    So you might say that I seek validation from myself, and I'm very tough. I'm in engineering and wanted to do that since I remember (age 3 or something).

                    It's hard, because when I do something, while everyone sees perfection, I think I could've done better, and then I set to do it and do one more iteration on whatever I'm working on. I don't care if it pleases the others, I care if it pleases to me and when it reaches 99%, I pat myself on the back knowing that I couldn't have done something 100% perfect. 1% to keep it real and healthy.

                    You can actually plot that as (1-exp(-x) .. Comes a point where, no matter the x, it doesn't really have a "tangible" effect on the end product... You've reached saturation.. Technically, you'll never reach 1, but you'll be very, very close and you should stop at this point.. And maybe, start from there another time, but not now.


                    Silvertree raised a very good point, which I noticed in many of my friends. I didn't even know something like this existed, and I even wrote about it (if I remember, it was post called "You don't want to fuck her") where I talked about the fact that most dudes would fantasize on the fact they're driving with the girl next to them, or that their buddies see them with that girl rather than a more inner based satisfaction (be it having sex with her, or "something like that").

                    I wrote about it because it was kind of shocking to me and I've never noticed it until I noticed that almost everybody thought like that. It's like living in a town full with zombies, but never noticing it ! You buy your bread from a zombie, and the post-man is a zombie, but you are, somehow blind to it.

                    Valid validation ? Achievement, like Uncle Walker said ? I don't know .. But I feel proud that at the very least, I do what it takes. Whatever it takes. I work my ass off to be excellent.

                    This, inevitably changes your standards. You run fast enough, long enough that when you look in the mirror, you see no one.

                    I see other people who don't care about something they will do for a living, and it makes me wonder. Is it me or is there some sort of bizarre thing going on here ?

                    Is time such an available commodity for them ? Did they find a way to be immortal so that they don't care about it ? Because I would do almost anything to buy some. I would pay them to give me their time if I could, they seem to have plenty.

                    So, how to remove the need for validation ? You are spot on. I think everyone should have some sort of, I don't know .. Mission? Destiny? Purpose in life that's way bigger than something tangible like money, women or things like that.

                    I quote Liam Neeson in Batman. This something must be an "idea" that could never be reduced to something physical. This is essential to set goals that get us closer to that idea, but never completely match that idea for it doesn't really exist. The result of this is that it makes us "stay hungry, stay foolish". One of the results of this is freedom from the need of approval/validation from others. You do it ultimately for yourself. As long as you have a clear vision and you're not bullshitting yourself. As long as it's clear you're not suffering from cognitive dissonance and you truly excel, then everything else matters not.

                    Paradoxically, this sense of freedom reverberates in the things you do and in the way you do them. I'm not a "ninja" kind of guys but I cannot help but notice the effects of this on a "vibe" level.

                    This thing, whatever it is, gives a sort of I don't know .. Aura, halo, some sort of energy, a Gioconda kind of smile, some deep peace that people might describe as if "you know something they don't, and you're amused by life". This is certainly appealing, which brings us to Seduction.

                    Appeal is a byproduct of this. It's not an aim. I see people doing things to appeal to girls or whatever, and it's not a good place to fire from.

                    You must do things for your own amusement, for your own satisfaction, for your own mission on this thing called life and where you don't have a second chance. Be selfish and self-centered for once. Be the center of the universe in this kind of stuff.

                    Have bigger goals than "just appeal to women". Even on this site, don't make it a "priority". Make it "Having a better life: this includes but is in no fucking way limited to banging chicks in bushes, cars and somebody else apartment" your motto in owning your Life, a Full Liability Company.

                    It works pretty well for me.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Silvertree View Post
                      One of the things I found when I began to analyze my thoughts was that I did a lot of validation fantasies. They all follow a simple format. Take the automobile you desire most as a classic example. Rather than fantasies on how great it would be to be driving it, I realized that most of my fantasies were about how cool it would be to show it to all my friends and how people who in the past had dissed me or otherwise devalidated me would give me validation when I gave them a ride in my cool new car.

                      This kind of thinking makes you a consumer slave and leads to a lot of disappointment. First you are disappointed because you don't have the stuff that would make you cool and get you lots of validation from others, and secondly when you do manage to get the object of one of your validation fantasies, you are disappointed when others do not give you the validation you expected and you remain your old uncool self.

                      I found that if I could catch myself having those fantasies and stop, my need for validation went down. Needing validation is what they mean when they talk about needy behavior, and the real way to stop it is to actually need less validation. It also reduces your drive to buy stuff you don't really need and can't afford.
                      Wow, I think this hit the nail on the head. I'm exactly the sort of person who would fantasize not about doing something but people's reaction to it, and I think that does include the girls you go after. I know this often leads to disappointment as mentioned, but surely this kind of validation is on a "needs" kind of level? Its all very well saying that not needing this validation makes you unneedy, outcome independent etc but if we were without it, wouldn't we be goalless and unmotivated?

                      Presently I'm definitely a "more worried what people think of you" kind of person. And sick of it really as it has made me overthink situations and miss opportunities. But right now it seems a massive jump to suddenly not give a damn what everyone thinks and whether or not you get your validation.

                      Great post, food for thought.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Uncle Walker View Post
                        I have certainly based a lot of my self worth on achievement so I am not in a real good position to talk. Still, every achievement could turn into failure. I wonder if there is a deeper sense of self that is beyond achievement. Validation for who you are not what you do or the success you get. It might be deeper and filled with more self delusion but I like the idea.
                        Well, I know a lot of people don't like this kind of talk, but I'm an Echart Tolle fan (well, actually he has just taken 99% of his stuff from various eastern schools of thought, so I guess that's what I'm really a fan of) on this. Say you lose your job, your house, all your possessions, your family, all your relationships, even all your memories of all the things you have achieved. A horrible thought right now, but you'd agree that whatever is left after all that is gone is still you. So there is something at the core that is you, even without all your stuff, achievements and even relationships.

                        I'm not enlightened or anything. I still seek validation, feel insecure, feel down etc. But I have had moments of enlightenment. Moments where I felt that there was no need for anything more. In those moment, what I feel isn't validation. I actually feel value-less. That might sound destructive to someone who don't know what I mean, but it's not the same as "low value"; I just don't assign value to myself, or anyone else, or anything else at all. It's all just part of a bigger whole where ranking things in terms of value isn't necessary. It's like the opposite of being self-centered. For example, in such a moment I am 100% comfortable with death, cuz there is really nothing that will be lost since I don't assign value. This probably sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo, and the reason for that is that it isn't really an intellectual understanding; it's experiental, like a different point of view that feels much more "right" when you're there.

                        But yeah, 90% of the time I guess I put most of my self worth on achievements like everyone else. One of my big self-development goals is to spend more time in that "enlightened" place.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by NoMoreFatChix View Post
                          Well, I know a lot of people don't like this kind of talk, but I'm an Echart Tolle fan (well, actually he has just taken 99% of his stuff from various eastern schools of thought, so I guess that's what I'm really a fan of) on this. Say you lose your job, your house, all your possessions, your family, all your relationships, even all your memories of all the things you have achieved. A horrible thought right now, but you'd agree that whatever is left after all that is gone is still you. So there is something at the core that is you, even without all your stuff, achievements and even relationships.
                          I disagree with the part about relationships. The human very much defines himself by the quality of his relationships with other people, and they are a primary source of happiness for him. Losing relationships does have significant negative impacts on happiness. One message I am continually trying to get out there is that "no man is an island". Other people are extremely important for our personal happiness. I keep putting the message out there because I know when I first found the community that I very much had the sense of "going it alone" -- that I was empowered to achieve everything on my own under my own initiative. This simply isn't true. Additionally this mindset leads to rapid burn-out. I go by the rule that if I felt like that, others will too. I believe there's a sense of "going it alone" for many of us. I'm saying that you should do away with this idea and recognize that social interconnectedness and positive relationships with other people are the primary source of happiness for a human being. Furthermore, pretty much every aspect of the human experience does require social skills and interconnection in order to pull it off successfully.

                          Building a quality social network, even if small, is of paramount importance for us. Losing a friend or acquaintance for whatever reason is ordinarily a very upsetting emotional experience for us. That is completely normal. The human invests very much in his relationships with others. If you lost someone, I would fully understand if you did not "feel like yourself" for a time afterwards. Relationships are ordinarily replaced with similar figures (one-itis for example is often very much about mother replacement). As well as maintaining relationships, it is also therefore important to seek to connect to "better" relationships -- more suitable figures who will accelerate growth in the direction you wish. Mentors (father figures) are extremely important in this regard. So is finding supportive people (mother figures) who are emotionally balanced themselves. The human enters relationships of parenting and being parented by other members of the tribe, and roles are interchangeable. This is normal. If you remove a human from such relationships, you can expect depression and delusion (a loss of grounding with reality) to follow very quickly.

                          To return this back to your Eckhart Tolle comment, in this sense I really do not believe in an abstracted sense of "you". A "you" is born from connections to the outside world. If you take away or alter those connections, the "you" also changes. It is very much a facet of left-brain thinking to abstract items in this way and make them separate from the world (where no true division occurs "out there"). It is the right hemisphere which maintains a sense of the whole and keeps things interconnected in a broader context, including the sense of self. I have been reading Iain McGilchrist's book diligently, and it is well worth a read for anyone interested in how the hemispheres create two very different realities.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Illuminatus View Post
                            There are two main ways of removing the need for validation, and neither are about "talking yourself out of it".

                            The first is to actually get validation, from many sources, in order that you begin to believe your own self-worth. Create a network of supportive people. Get one or more mentors for each area of your life. Ditch negative people from your life (if you live with your parents and they are emotionally naïve themselves, they can often be a strong source of pain and reduced self-esteem, and you should consider moving out as a priority). Seek validation in your work and hobbies outside of the area of women and sex; you want to be getting validation as a valued human being rather than as a seducer. This is for the simple reason that basing your own validation in your skills with women is building a house on very shaky foundations: it only takes one woman to say "no" to have you doubting yourself entirely. We see this frequently amongst community guys.

                            The second method is actually to seek validation from the people you crave it from most desperately, including women, and to purposely feel the crush of defeat when it is (inevitably) denied to you. But don't just "touch" on the feeling: actually allow it to overwhelm you and reduce you to a feeling of profound loss. Cry. Grieve for what your emotional body feels it has lost (despite, rationally, your not having lost anything; your rational mind's assessment of a situation is usually vastly different to your emotional body's analysis, and it is generally more important for personal growth to attend to the latter). Like with the passing of a loved one, grief rewires your brain not to expect that person or entity (in this case, validation) in your life in future. It truly works.

                            I used both methods to stop seeking validation on an emotional level. I also used the second method to overcome my fear of death (by accepting the inevitable loss of life). The first method is more about becoming a contributive, emotionally-responsive human being, with the right friends and mentors. In other words it is about having a life. The second method is more about cultivating a reliable and effective acceptance of reality. This ability to truly accept is somewhat lacking in people at the moment, and our society is ill as a result.

                            I once made a fair assessment of "ego" when I was asked to define it. I said: "Ego is any process which attempts to prevent you experiencing the emotion of loss." Loss is certainly the one emotion not many people in this world are willing to experience, and they will go to great lengths to avoid even minor loss, such as losing face in a petty social squabble, or losing one's self-image of being a "tough guy" by crying or showing some other human emotion associated (wrongly) with "weakness". This is a real travesty, as loss is the single most powerful emotion for rapid reprogramming of the human brain, and for experiencing the beneficial paradigm shifts brought about by such rewiring.
                            yo man- this is good stuff-- can I post it on GoodLookingLoser.com?? (and credit/link you obviously)

                            I recently wrote a discussion that validation is the biggest obstacle to getting what you want in life (in this case: hot chicks x 100), but I said that I didn't know how to fix this issue
                            http://www.goodlookingloser.com/2012...on-from-women/

                            there's two types of guy that hit/want to hit on women
                            1) guys that want to get laid
                            2) guys that say they want to get laid but are actually seeking validation

                            i was #2 for the longest time, until i finally got a bunch of HOT chicks to be regulars... then I wanted pussy and not validation... It didn't quite occur to me that-
                            "The first is to actually get validation, from many sources, in order that you begin to believe your own self-worth."
                            this was really true

                            i think the stuff you wrote is really good, the mainstream community handles this stuff this like
                            "be confident!"
                            "dont care what she thinks!"
                            "if she calls you a loser, remind your that your a cool guy!" hahah
                            "you should want to get laid cause your a man!"
                            ^^ helps no one ever

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Good Looking Loser View Post
                              yo man- this is good stuff-- can I post it on GoodLookingLoser.com?? (and credit/link you obviously)
                              I'd be honoured.

                              I recently wrote a discussion that validation is the biggest obstacle to getting what you want in life (in this case: hot chicks x 100), but I said that I didn't know how to fix this issue
                              http://www.goodlookingloser.com/2012...on-from-women/

                              there's two types of guy that hit/want to hit on women
                              1) guys that want to get laid
                              2) guys that say they want to get laid but are actually seeking validation
                              I was also #2 for a long time, and so are most guys finding the community. This is completely natural IMO. It is understandable that a young man will base much of his self-image on his ability to attract and seduce mates. The sexual component is a massive part of anybody's psyche, and it goes beyond simple pleasure of dick-in-vag.

                              This is why in the post I focused on building a self-image aside from women as one's power base. At that point you are more free to pursue the actual pleasure side of sex and relationships because you are no longer wrapping up your identity in it.

                              i was #2 for the longest time, until i finally got a bunch of HOT chicks to be regulars... then I wanted pussy and not validation... It didn't quite occur to me that-
                              "The first is to actually get validation, from many sources, in order that you begin to believe your own self-worth."
                              this was really true

                              i think the stuff you wrote is really good, the mainstream community handles this stuff this like
                              "be confident!"
                              "dont care what she thinks!"
                              "if she calls you a loser, remind your that your a cool guy!" hahah
                              "you should want to get laid cause your a man!"
                              ^^ helps no one ever
                              These are all "talk therapies" in a way, which is what I specifically avoid in my work. Talk therapies are usually consistent within themselves, and look good on paper as a result, but they rarely (if ever) translate to emotional change. Why? Because words aren't emotions. They are symbols for emotions, occurring in a different part of the central nervous system to where actual emotions are perceived. You cannot manipulate your emotions directly by swapping around a few words in your head. The relationship between words and emotions just isn't strong enough. Instead, you should work directly with the emotions, and this is what all my posts are about.

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