Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

The Serial Monogamy Lifestyle - Riding the Pair-Bond Rush

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • The Serial Monogamy Lifestyle - Riding the Pair-Bond Rush

    **Worth noting that I'm uninfluenced by anything "community" since this board migrated from MASF, so this could be a repeat of things already said, or maybe it will offer some new angles, I honestly don't know, its based off of the last several years of personal experience.**

    This post is about willingly going fully into pair-bonding with a girl, understanding in advance that it won't last, but allowing all of the feelings and experiences anyway for the pure enjoyment of them. The experience of pair-bonding has been scientifically shown to be one of the most powerful, intense, and lasting highs out there (quantifiably verifiable as far as reward chemicals being present in the brain), so why not allow yourself to enjoy the hell out of it?

    I'm something of a pleasure seeker in general, and the "serial monogamy lifestyle" as I'm describing it is all about maximizing both the sexual and non-sexual pleasures that can be had with a girl of choice. In my experience there's a "pleasure phase" of pair-bonding that can last anywhere from a few months to a few years (I personally haven't made it past 18 months.) During this phase, your brain forms a heroin-like attachment to the girl, complete with ongoing elevated levels of dopamine and oxytocin. My goal with serial monogamy is to ride this pleasure phase of pair-bonding like a wave, with the increased everyday high, increased and heightened sexual connection, and increased and heightened levels of female companionship and affection, until the wave inevitably starts to crash. Then, I end the relationship at a pace that minimizes the pair-bond withdrawal for both of us, and move into the next phase of serial monogamy which involves sleeping around with other girls (GFTOW, I suppose) until I find another girl worth pair-bonding with.

    No other relationship setup offers the same type of experience as intentional all-in pair-bond serial monogamy, as all the other relationship types either never reach or diffuse the pair-bond in one way or another. The rush you get from a SNL or having multiple girls on rotation is a completely different mechanism in the brain than pair-bonding, which is unique to other rushes as it takes time (months) to fully develop. So, if you are a man of pleasure-seeking tendencies, if the highest levels of natural dopamine and oxytocin-infused sexual connection and female affection are something you wish to experience (over and over), then you have to go mono, no-holds-barred, with a high quality girl by your standards for a significant period of time.

    Pair-boding is potentially dangerous in that it can cause a guy a lot of withdrawal pain. So its not for everyone, and I'm certainly not meaning any of this as a rationalization for newbs coming from some fantasy perspective.

    Pair-bonding is a very pleasurable, fun, engaging, and rewarding process IF:

    - your fundamental game is solid: you're a catch on all counts and she knows it
    - your relationship game is solid (you choose your girl wisely and know how to maintain dominance in a relationship without a reliance on the threat of other girls)
    - you know how to pace the end a relationship in a way that minimizes withdrawal pain for both of you
    - you have the ability to go out and fuck new quality girls within a few days of the desire
    - you understand how to handle your own de-bonding process post-breakup (GFTOW and/or transfer the bond to a new girl or set of girls, basically, while focusing harder on your work or life mission).

    Its commonly preached to avoid pair-bonding (which is good advice for those in the process of finding themselves and figuring out the world), but in reality if a guy actively seeks to avoid pair-bonding, then he's either lacking in the above list of skills or he's in an emotionally weakened state operating from a fear of future pain (or he could just not have an interest.) But this fear-avoidance can cause a guy to miss out on much of the value that's found in more developed and intense human relationships at a level that non-monogamous setups simply can't offer, so for those that feel they're ready, I'd encourage you to take the plunge eyes wide open for a few years.

    So. . what it the typical playout of this relationship?

    - bang out and FB a set of girls
    - when one shows herself to be exceptional by your particular standards, prioritize her over the others and allow things to develop further with her
    - allow her to gradually win your "girl time" exclusively
    - call her your girlfriend and go mono
    - enjoy the next 6-24 months of increasingly amazing sex, affection, and companionship. Go all in, allow yourself all of the emotions and feelings, thats the whole point of all this. This part is the good stuff!!
    - when things level out, ride them as long as you please, but begin to emotionally detach while she's still around (de-bonding is much less painful in the presence of the other person)
    - when she senses the detachment and brings it up (sometimes in subtile ways), be honest with her "you're amazing, but i feel like things are starting to fade." Things may temporarily improve at this point as she works to keep hold of you, but this plants the detachment seed in her so that her de-bonding is also less painful (I believe in not being careless with relationships, its worth a few weeks of downtime for everything to end as smoothly as possible for both parties).
    - when you hit the "lets work on us" point (ugh), break up by telling her she's amazing and you're glad for the time you spent together, but that its time for you to move on
    - rinse and repeat

    Obviously its not this cut and dry, but anyone with experience will know how to handle the details or variations that present themselves.

    Cons? Assuming you're able to choose the right girl, maintain dominance in a relationship, and both logistically and emotionally handle the breakup/detachment process (pre-requisites for this lifestyle), the main con is that you occasionally may not get sex at times when you're horny and she's not. And the end of the relationship can be dull and also lower the amount of sex you get for that period of time. These are the only real downsides I've experienced. My desire to fuck a lot of women gets quenched after each breakup as I hunt for a new girl.

    As a side note, if I were ever wish to push past the "pleasure phase" of pair-bonding, I would want an OLTR. This will be my setup with the mother of my kids whenever I get to that point. During the "pleasure phase" though, the "O" only serves to diffuse the pair-bond and so is counter-productive to my goals with this relationship setup.

    I could write a book detailing this all out in every direction if I had the inclination, but I don't so this is all you get (its already borderline TL/DR). The details are contained in the collective work of everyone posting here past and present, so digest what I'm talking about, decide if you're capable and interested, and then apply what you already know.

    A bit about me for reference. . I'm now 36. I posted on MASF for maybe 3 years starting 8 years ago which some here may remember. My personal path has been:

    - Got laid initially at age 15 with girlfriend
    - Serial LTRs till 25 (except the occasional ONS in college) - these were pre-"game" and HURT LIKE HELL for long sexless periods of time when they ended (the typical man's experience with mono.)
    - Turned "player" and fucked everything I could as fast as I could (not EVERYTHING everything, quality has always been a huge concern for me) for 4-5 years (back when I was posting on MASF.)
    - Set up rotating FBs (usually 2-4 at a time is all I had time for)
    - OLTR with two girls back to back for a little over a year (basically the FB setup with a clear primary "girlfriend")
    - Serial monogamy: going mono with a "girlfriend," then switching things up every 6-18 months by breaking up and banging out a handful of girls during the screening process for the next monogamy-worthy girl. (four girls in a row like this.)

    So putting $.02 out there for whoever this resonates with. I'm not sure yet if I'll engage further or just leave it at this one post. . I've been happy not focusing on "game" all that much, since its all the same at its core and once you get it you get it: be cool, give value to others, take good care of yourself physically and mentally, have some style and originality while playing to a stereotype, strive for and do big things with your life, always dream bigger than where you're at and share those dreams with others, have confidence in whatever personality is most natural to you in the moment you're in right now, stick to your guns while keeping an open mind, make the move when you feel like it, never get rattled, and always enjoy the moment to the best of your ability no matter what is happening. Nail all these and you can happily have whatever types of relationships you want. . and I'd encourage experienced guys to give serial monogamy a try for a few years for the unique pleasures that it brings.

  • #2
    Hits home for me. More later.
    0---: "Oh! He's dashing!"

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank you for posting this. It certainly hit home for me as well.

      Pureevil, did you find that your LTRs would try to come back to you after some time when you were following the system you describe? Or were all the break ups automatically understood as permanent?

      I hope you stay and continue to post...I think a lot of us here can learn some good stuff from your experiences.

      Comment


      • #4
        Gold! And dense. Not for everyone, just look at the requirements.
        I admire the leadership (assumed responsibility) through the whole interaction, through the de-bonding phase. I've almost never managed to lead the de-bonding as smoothly as you describe. I usually just wait and use a hesitation in her cred or commitment and amplify from there. A bit cowardly, I know. I'd like to hear more on that.
        Men avoid monogamy because of betaization, they don't like themselves very much at the end of a relationship. Fear of de-bonding pain leads to clinging on and betaization. That and complacency (=being satisfied with getting less and less out of the relationship.) What are your red flags?
        And a QT on choosing the right girl: It helped me to write down what I am attracted to and looking for, to the smallest detail I could think of. (temperament, education, interests, age, profession level, eye/hair color, hair length, voice, style, body type, habits, etc. I made an idealized list of all the qualities I found attractive in various women.) I used this list as a mirror. It helped me understand I have to become and keep alive those qualities that would attract "that" in my life. It helped me clarify my own goals for myself. Then GFTOW. Then let one rise to the top. She might not fit the entire list but, having the list matters. Do you have any tips on choosing?
        P.S. More musings inspired by the OP: I like the word "choosing". It is not "screening". Screening is looking for the absence of traits you find unacceptable, it leads to settling for the absence of the "bad". "Choosing" is looking for those qualities that I want in my life.

        Comment


        • #5
          pureevil very good post, this is the style and relationship model that i recommend, i think is the best model out of all of them, i talked about similar style and similar variation here ... I was gonna write a very similar post, thanks god you beat me to it, since i am very incoherent lol...
          Sexting, my unique natural game, aggressive dance floor seductions, 15-20 minutes hook ups in clubs. Learn the proper way to maximize your results in a club type environment, check out my blog and youtube clubbing channel:

          www.dancefloorseduction.com









          Comment


          • #6
            This is the way that I like to things too. These STRs are fun as hell, and it's very easy to maintain control in the relationship since there's no marriage or living together to complicate things. Honestly, one gf that I really like is plenty for me. Then again I like being single and having ONS and temp FBs as well. Sometimes there's a few chicks in my life at once, but I never actually had more than one "girlfriend" at the same time.

            Other than maybe being a bit rusty when these relationships first end, I don't really see any downfalls in doing things this way.
            www.musicianlifestyle.com - Quit your job. Do cool shit instead!

            Comment


            • #7
              *applause*

              I agree that sedfast is different than the old mASF in that there seems to be a bit of an agenda about making this site about non-monogamous relationships. It also seems that whereas there used to be two schools of thought about "alpha" (one obsessed with the term and the other not thinking it was relevant to pickup) the "alpha" army has really taken over.

              For me, the goal of being good with women has always been to find the one that you like the most and just be in a relationship with her. Do things change? Sure, there is a good possibility that it won't last forever, but for God's sake, carpe diem a little bit, you know? Why all this concern about permanence? Personally, I don't think that serial monogamy and monogamy are fundamentally different. All sorts of things happen that can end a relationship (including death) and people move on. That's natural.

              Besides that, monogamy is natural. When we were all little boys, we had a crush on just one girl at school. We didn't need to write paragraphs explaining why, we just did it because that is what was in us. Of course, that is before we all go through puberty and the rejection that comes with it. Some guys close off their emotions at that point, others just roll with it, take the good with the bad -- you know -- all those terrible cliches.

              It does seem that the incredibly rich and/or powerful have different types of relationships than the rest of us mere mortals. I don't know anything about that, because I am not particularly rich or powerful, but seriously, how many people here are? Is it that bad just to accept that we are all normal people and not try to be like fictional characters or even real life millionaire and billionaire playboys? Maybe it's because I have spent enough time in Hollywood to see what it looks like when the cameras and the lights are all turned off, but I can safely say that there is nothing I envy about that lifestyle. Give me one woman I am way into, a few kids, a suburban life and I'm happy.

              Props for posting this. Revolution starts with one.
              "In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them." --John Von Neumann

              "Courage is found in unlikely places." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

              Comment


              • #8
                Sorry, this post turned out a bit all over the place because I'm hungover as fuck. Anyway, here goes:

                It's nice to have some fresh wind here. I agree with Dan that this board is a bit too dogmatic on the topic of monogamy. I had a hard time "confessing" that I'm going mono, until I realised that's stupid. It's a choice I'm making with eyes wide open and being well-informed thanks to sedfast. I have nobody to justify myself to.

                So yeah, disclaimer: I'm biased because I'm on an NRE high (although my relationship with this girl is already 18 months old, we're on a new high).

                Couple things I have to say on OP:

                - You sound a bit too deterministic about all of these relationships ending. I know you're just consciously riding out NRE and getting out when it's over, I just wouldn't close my mind to the possibility of continuing a relationship beyond NRE if the person and the relationship are worth it. You don't have to end it. You also don't have to continue it. You are always free to choose.
                - I also hate the "let's work on us" thing when it's sort of a needy plea from a woman, but I've found that it's completely different if I am the one leading this. I've told the girl I'm with right now a bunch of things that I didn't like about her behaviour sometimes, and she's taken it to heart. I love watching her grow as a person. She's also given me perspective on myself in ways that enable me to grow.


                As long as you are with a woman that enables you to grow as a person, and you keep yourself in check so you don't become lazy and co-dependent, all that matters is that you are happy (and her too, seduction and relationships aren't selfish things in nature). Take no risks that endanger your future happiness (cf. marriage) and get out of the relationship if you're not happy with it anymore (unless you can&want to turn around the relationship).

                I have a suspicion that mono isn't quite as terrible as it's usually made out to be on these boards. I'll report back on what my experiments with it teach me
                0---: "Oh! He's dashing!"

                Comment


                • #9
                  Let's see. I'm in 'NRE' with a girl right now, what we do could be considered beyond the MLTR definition we use around here, but also has many overlap. The bond is growing and it seems like a natural matter of time.



                  - your fundamental game is solid: you're a catch on all counts and she knows it
                  - your relationship game is solid (you choose your girl wisely and know how to maintain dominance in a relationship without a reliance on the threat of other girls)
                  This is what I learned lately, fucking an ordinary woman, does not compare to a girl you have a deeper bond with, the whole process from meeting to sex just feels like 'meh, but you don't do make me feel that much, but I will insert my dick into you'. So you need to be able to see beyond that GTFOW is not a solution all the time (and not at all when you're mono), and manage yourself (internal management) instead of seeking external sources for management.

                  - you know how to pace the end a relationship in a way that minimizes withdrawal pain for both of you
                  No experience in this, since I never experienced full mono, all break ups I had to do with MLTR / FBs were either between the lines dumping or moving to a new place. But it seems similar to just expressing graditude and appreciation and moving on

                  - you have the ability to go out and fuck new quality girls within a few days of the desire
                  I think it comes more down to the belief, that you can move on and meet new woman, that life is not ending after one person. That belief is more likely to exist within you, if you actually have experience confirming that.

                  - you understand how to handle your own de-bonding process post-breakup (GFTOW and/or transfer the bond to a new girl or set of girls, basically, while focusing harder on your work or life mission).
                  Being able to keep a broad focus, that appreciates life, and a girl is part of the appreciation for life, a girl is NOT the appreciation for life itself, but a part of it.

                  Its commonly preached to avoid pair-bonding (which is good advice for those in the process of finding themselves and figuring out the world), but in reality if a guy actively seeks to avoid pair-bonding, then he's either lacking in the above list of skills or he's in an emotionally weakened state operating from a fear of future pain (or he could just not have an interest.) But this fear-avoidance can cause a guy to miss out on much of the value that's found in more developed and intense human relationships at a level that non-monogamous setups simply can't offer, so for those that feel they're ready, I'd encourage you to take the plunge eyes wide open for a few years.
                  This came clear to me as well, I usually am very emotionally open to new people I meet, to the point what I'm used to. I am used to building up a connection quickly, having sex quickly, it's not THAT usual for everyone I guess. Some are not as open as I am (they stay being a ONS or FB) but the girl I am with now, has had me explore new areas, and I actually felt scared of exploring and noticed I am used to the status quo. Luckily I have this insight and can move forward with excitement


                  - bang out and FB a set of girls
                  - when one shows herself to be exceptional by your particular standards, prioritize her over the others and allow things to develop further with her
                  - allow her to gradually win your "girl time" exclusively
                  This is exactly how it went so far. I saw different girls, kept seeing different girls, but I am starting to see she is more compatible with me than others have ever been so far. That I allow it to grow GRADUALLY.

                  - call her your girlfriend and go mono
                  I assume you keep expanding the bond, gradually, till she brings being your girlfriend up? Part of why great things can happen is cause it 'just is'. My current thought on it is, you let a woman give signals that she wants to move farther and you reciprocate if you resonate with the idea. She feels open and comfortable to show interest in you, seeing you, knows that you are open for her, but 'does not know where this is going' so will probe the relationship by safely hinting at stuff.

                  Im not a huge seducer, but have had sex with enough women that I can feel 'bored' easily or quickly with women, that they need to bring more to the surface than the usual for me.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    hey, PureEvil

                    you were one of my favourite posters back on MASF, glad to see you here too!

                    -M
                    "When in doubt... fuck." (Scent of a Woman)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      ^I second that.

                      I especially remember your "Fuck, then connect" thread.

                      That's presumably where Newman got his ideas (and from 60 too).

                      Haven't read the meat of your thread here though, as I'm not there yet.
                      In pussy we trust

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Pair bonding is a form of psychosis. I've experienced what OP is posting about when I was AFC. I was MUCH LESS happy overall than I am now. Yeah the highs are higher and the lows are lower.

                        To each his own I guess

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I don't think monogamy is for everyone, but I also don't think that it isn't for anyone. It's not black and white, it's a sliding scale. Some people should never enter into a monogamous relationship, some people should be in relationships but shouldn't get married, some people should get married very late in life, and as crazy as it seems, some people are just hard-wired for marriage from a young age (generally guys who come from very happy and stable families).

                          AFC behavior is getting into a relationship with someone you don't really want to be with just because you need regular sex and someone to talk to. There is a big difference between that and picking out that one super premium woman that you respect and would be happy with long term, seducing her and then seeing where a relationship goes.

                          If you are in a relationship and constantly fantasizing about what it would be like to bang other women and fighting your animal instincts just to maintain interest in your SO, then that is AFC behavior. If your attraction to your SO is only triggered by negative emotions like jealousy or anger, then that is AFC behavior (and self-destructive behavior as well).

                          If you are in a relationship, you feel relaxed and cool, no stress, and your SO meets all your needs, what is AFC about that? To me, that is winning.
                          "In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them." --John Von Neumann

                          "Courage is found in unlikely places." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Yup, PureEvil was among the best posters on the old forum.

                            But PureEvil, didnt you have an account here already? (I thought I saw a post from you here long ago, but maybe it was someone else?)

                            Yeah, a gentle shift in awareness towards getting a second GF, is what fixes most girl issues for me.
                            My method: Say "Hello" or "Wow" > shy look > starry-eyed look > spamming cold-read-compliments + feather light touches

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Interesting and certainly original material. However the whole thing rests on the postulate that 'monogamous pair-bonding' somehow chemically improves your happiness more than for example an OLTR. I'd like to see proof of that, as I can't find it in my own experience. In fact I've been in a mono LTR in which I had little of those wonderful brain chemicals, and I've been in an OLTR and several MLTR in which they were strong to SUPER strong. So for me the magical pair bonding exists but isn't dependent on the relationship type, it rather and simply develops because of the girl and you have top attraction and emotional connection, and can exist in a poly setting. If you must absolutely insist on not seeing other girls because you think it increases your feelings for that particular one (aka you are forcing oneitis on yourself), then just don't tell her you are going mono, pretend to be poly, pause fucking other girls if that's what floats your boat, and then resume fucking other girls a few months later when your dick calls.
                              "I'm the kind of guy you don't want to bring home to mom. Cuz I'd fuck your mom."

                              "I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination"

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X