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How to make friends at 35

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  • How to make friends at 35

    Hey guys. So this is quite pathetic, I have almost no friends left. Never had that many to start with, but now with wives, kids and all that crap, I have almost no social life outside of work, family and women.

    Any advice?
    "I'm the kind of guy you don't want to bring home to mom. Cuz I'd fuck your mom."

    "I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination"

  • #2
    Have hobbies
    The Qlue, simple perspectives on life.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Dude909 View Post
      Hey guys. So this is quite pathetic, I have almost no friends left. Never had that many to start with, but now with wives, kids and all that crap, I have almost no social life outside of work, family and women.

      Any advice?

      you can make friends through hobbies...(this is the main place to find friends)

      at work (usually second main place)

      But to be honest i see how pathetic are 99% of the guys 35 plus, usually overwheight, not cool, a beer belly, dressing in styles that are 10-20 years behind, boring betas.

      Which is why i have outsource to pu cyber friendships...Some pu are locals but i do not call it a friendship more like we go out to pu.

      I personally have couple of female friends, i tend to get along better with women..

      But yeah as you get older in pu lifestyle is obvious lonely place, cause you will be an "abnormality" (no marry, no kids, multiple women)


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      • #4
        What really helped me a ton was to fetch some post-its, write each one of who I might consider important down and order those at different colors. I used:
        - pink: soulmate quality. Used to be my main gf, now there's just a "?" because I haven't met anyone new to fill that role yet
        - orange: very important people to me, people I would invest a considerable amount of time/energy to keep contact. Meeting those gives me energy, so it's a good investment
        - yellow: meeting them gives me energy, but not that much, and it's ok to meet them only every few weeks/months.
        - blue: people I enjoy meeting but I don't really care for

        What this achieves is you invest your limited time and energy into the relationships that matter to you and stop investing because you think you ought to. This only works if you are truly honest with yourself, though. I was surprised to find out that most of my family fell into the blue category, for example, which at first made me feel bad, until I told myself this is my life, so why not if it's true? Is lying about it better than openly admitting it?

        If you find you don't have any orange people in your life, or you are married to someone who is just blue to you, you got a real problem. You're entitled to having those people in your life, so even if you think you don't have the time, make that time. Only one life you can be sure of, so why waste it on people you don't like?

        I told a few friends about this exercise, and everyone who did it him- or herself has told me it changed their lives considerably.


        On the aspect on where to find friends, I made most of my friends either by going to my favourite pub where I know lots of people already, feel good about myself and thus easily speak to people I don't yet know. Playing street music also helps because you become approachable and a lot of people will just talk with you.

        I'm currently starting my own business and asked lots of people to help me out doing this or that, which also helped to meet like 5 awesome new people in a few weeks

        Just to get you started. Btw. I'm around 29 so not yet 35 but many of my friends start having a family now too so I can at least partly feel you. there

        Jester
        Bunterrichten - Alternativen zum Unter-richten:

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        • #5
          For me - acting as a social connector type has been a go to method a few times to build my circle out. Great closer Friends have emerged in that path everytime.

          These social connector people always know whats going on, invite you for things, and talks to everyone. they have 1 mio connections which you want in the beginnging but you can do it til you have a circle youre happy with.

          in short,
          1) have an inviting spirit - "yeah were heading too xx tmrw shoot me a text if you wanna join". they tend to do it nonchalantly just shooting them out and then moving to next topic or moving on.
          2) know whats going on - select things you like events that have social appeal and go to these + use them to invite people for easy outings which people are inclined too if it has their interest.
          3) invite people for that and see how things unfold
          4) do things hobbies, events and activities where you get basic access to people.
          5) host some things

          start w anyone and as you move into this pick and select more also based on what people you like.
          Heard you not the type that you take home to mom

          Glows Log

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          • #6
            This isn't directly related, but I think it serves as a cautionary tale for those who cloister themselves in the world of online "PUA" and never get out there enough to experience reality (which is how you find friends):

            From the book I'm currently reading:

            "...She did not get on well with the other pupils. They looked down on her; and she looked up through them. Thus it had come about that she had read far more fiction, and far more poetry, those two sanctuaries of the lonely, than most of her kind. They served as a substitute for experience. Without realizing it she judged people as much by the standards of Walter Scott and Jane Austen as by any empirically arrived at; seeing those around her as fictional characters, and making poetic judgments on them. But alas, what she had thus taught herself had been very largely vitiated by what she had been taught. Given the veneer of a lady, she was made the perfect victim of a caste society..."

            -The French Lieutenant's Woman (John Robert Fowles)

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Futureproof View Post
              "...She did not get on well with the other pupils. They looked down on her; and she looked up through them. Thus it had come about that she had read far more fiction, and far more poetry, those two sanctuaries of the lonely, than most of her kind. They served as a substitute for experience. Without realizing it she judged people as much by the standards of Walter Scott and Jane Austen as by any empirically arrived at; seeing those around her as fictional characters, and making poetic judgments on them. But alas, what she had thus taught herself had been very largely vitiated by what she had been taught. Given the veneer of a lady, she was made the perfect victim of a caste society..."

              -The French Lieutenant's Woman (John Robert Fowles)
              Burn.

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              • #8
                I think this could also interest you. Intense focosing on a pleasure related activity can slowly detach you from human relationships.

                Books For Men, Dating And Female Relationships Coaching That Actually Works! By Franco

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                • Jester

                  Jester

                  commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Thx for sharing that, I've listened to some other talks by the guy but didn't know about this one. Really enjoyed it

              • #9
                Not based on research but my experience:

                Trust is a significant component of a real friendship. Trust between adults is best created in situations where you work on something together. Where there is combined effort and you must rely on each other. This brings out people's true colours. It's quite hard to get into these situations after young adulthood.

                I did a little bit of theater when I was about 30 (a couple of years ago). When you rehearse a play and then have to deliver it, several times, to a live audience, that requires reliability and combined effort. Improvisation, where you perform for an audience of outsiders (not others in your class or a group of acquaintances) has a similar effect. I made 1-2 friends like that.

                Right now I have made 1-2 friends from my job. I work in management for the fundraising activities of a humanitarian organisation. Management is constant predicting and solving problems of various degrees.

                These friends are currently weak to strong yellow, one low orange, according to Jester's categories. For me, that's a LOT

                So, if work ain't doing it for you, consider theater and improv. Why not standup, if there's some sort of class or community, through which you can actually perform. Oh and TIME is required. Just like a woman needs a little bit of time to believe you are fucking cool and not just putting on an act. But friendship requires more time. Common effort and reliance compresses this time.

                I met the persons mentioned at the ages of 29-32. Maybe you can take something from this.

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                • #10
                  make family friends. That's what my parents did and it somehow worked. Ofcourse one family offers a better click between some individuals and less between others, but all in all family + family seems to work pretty well usually with 'nice' people.
                  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

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                  • #11
                    Old thread but I'm commenting to reference later.

                    I'm working on this now at 33 after getting out of 5 years of relationships. It's a lot more difficult than it was when I was younger, but I've watched a few friends move to the city and find a place for themselves, and I've noticed a couple things. Hopefully these tips help now that we're old enough that popularity isn't tied to how crazy you get when you're drunk.

                    One, people always seem to ask where to "make friends," like they just want to join a kickball league, pick up a close friend or two, and call it a day. This is how these questions are usually phrased, in my observation. But universally, everything you have in life comes out of soft connections -- people you aren't friends with but see around town, or recognize from somewhere. Where do you make friends? You make them out of friends-of-friends. What are the odds you're going to meet 10 people and find someone you have enough in common with to have a genuine friendship? Pretty slim, you really need to meet 100 people to become close with 3 of them. So I've been trying to cultivate as many of these as possible, and that's a different game it seems like. It's really just a matter of getting recognition, being seen by the same people until they know you're not just another face in the crowd, and starting conversations to learn more about them. Keep a positive and light hearted vibe, try to bring some good energy so people will be happy to interact with you.

                    The other thing I'm noticing is that you need to find the scene you want to be a part of, and once you're out of your 20s, social scenes don't really revolve around just drinking and socializing...They tend to be communities of people who all do similar things, so you kind of need to contribute in some meaningful way to the community. When I was in my 20s, I was popular because I went to all the music shows and knew everyone, and people liked me...I just don't think you can do the same thing at 35. I'm not a musician, but I do own real estate, so one of the things I'm thinking about is converting a property into a DIY music venue and hosting events there, so I'll be socially relevant in the scene despite being a 33 year old non-musician. Also going to DJ on the local radio station and try to start writing for the arts and culture magazine that comes out here. So that's my plan, hopefully it works and walking it out like that is in any way beneficial to anyone else besides myself.

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                    • #12
                      Backwards thinking in OP - as in starting with roof, when building house.

                      You cant find friends by looking for friends. And if you could, that friend would be very boring to hang with. Because 'friends' have no value.

                      The act of SHARING A PASSION with someone, is where ALL the value lies. So, looking for a friend is kinda awkward and doomed to fail. Showing your passion, giving someone a glimpse/taste of what it feel like, sharing a passion with you = INSTANT friendship!!

                      So it comes down to:
                      A) what you are passionate about, and
                      B) how you are able to insta-share (project) that passion when running into new people.

                      (PU is a subsection of this, obviously. Your passion being her, or rather, the chemistry you feel around her. And all types of friendships will form in ways that are a bit similar. The initial passion, being the key factor.)

                      Note - people dont need to have the same passion as you in order to share it. Its actually the SUBSTANCE of charisma; glowing with passion in ways that transfers it onto others, for short or longer timespan.

                      Note 2 - until proven wrong, I would assume my passions are ADEQUATE for making friends. So I would start by looking into part "B".

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                      • #13
                        why is so important to have friends, i mean if i want i could cultivate and have multiple friendships(which i actually have different friends in different circles).... but any friendship brings a bit of work and responsibility into it... such as keeping in contact, calling, visiting, attending events and the likes....

                        I am extroverted when out but very introvert, sigma like when alone... my point is friendships are overrated.... or maybe i am missing something... And for me i like friendships with women i tend to enjoy does much more.... Guys are pretty boring and one dimensional usually...

                        If i am you i would do sometimes of local lair/seduction group were you can find guys that are into self improvement/pu etc..




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