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  • Overcoming frustration, rejection and failure

    Hello,

    what's the best way to overcome frustration, rejection and failure. Or is this the question I want to ask? I really want to know how I can be not so hard to myself anymore. Or how can I stop hating myself for not doing what I set as goal. For example I wanted to go out 4 times this week but only went out 1 time and delay the 2. time since tuedays. It really makes me feel shit while I really want to feel ok.
    Should I aim for less and smaller goals to avoid frustration? Or is there a better attitude or tactics? I feel lost because no one from real life has the same problems but all the people I know dont have any specific goals for their free time except going to the gym. And they also look like they care that much when the dont go as much as they want.

  • #2
    Why does not reaching that goal frustrate you?
    what would the difference be if you set the goal to two times a week and reached it, I mean the outcome is the same except there is no discrepancy between the set goal and the outcome.. is it just that?

    would be interesting why it frustrates you. Is it purely not reaching what you set to do?

    frustration can be a good motivation, removing discrepancies... but i'd feel as if focusing on all gains in terms of learning and improvement are a better mindset. Worry once you slack on that - plateauing or skills getting rusty (thats why setting higher goals can help your learning though and yeah that can be paired with frustration at times.. calibrate during the process)

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    • #3
      Goal setting slows progress and creates procrastination!

      (I was surprised to see they even did scientific test to prove it now! It was referenced in a TV program about self-help debunking, so cant give you a link right now though.)

      So try deleting all your goals!

      (There are special cases where goals can still be helpful according to that study, such as losing weight iirc..)

      Comment


      • #4
        hmm good question. I'm pissed of because I set myself that goal to go out and then dont do it. It's embarassing this then making me afraid that I never will become pua and never will be good with women and then never will find my future wife. I think I need someone telling me it's okay do not go out and stay at home if this is what I desire. Someone who is telling my that I should calm down and dont take pick up artistry so important

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Beckstar101 View Post
          hmm good question. I'm pissed of because I set myself that goal to go out and then dont do it. It's embarassing this then making me afraid that I never will become pua and never will be good with women and then never will find my future wife. I think I need someone telling me it's okay do not go out and stay at home if this is what I desire. Someone who is telling my that I should calm down and dont take pick up artistry so important
          Is there a reason that came in the way of you going out? If so, life happens man. . gotta just roll with external events that get in your way, don't let them get you down.

          Or is it a discipline issue, where when the moment comes you get lazy or cop out? If so it can help to have someone hold you accountable in real time in the moment, this is a big part of the role of coaches/teachers in sports/music/arts/education, to hold you accountable and not let you cop out on the less fun parts of the learning process. The best thing you can do for yourself is learn how to Nike and "just do it" despite the fear/resistance/laziness/negativity/mentalBS screaming at you in the moment for stepping outside your comfort zone. The ability to make yourself take action in the face of discomfort gives you a huge advantage in life.

          I disagree that you should always just go with how you feel in the moment. If you want a degree in chemistry, there will be some tough times that you won't want to do in the moment and have to learn to push yourself through.

          This is essential in life IMO, going back to the dawn of man. "I'm hungry, I want to eat. I don't want to go hunt a damn animal for three hours, but I want food, so I suck it up and do it." Multiple motivations are pulling at you at all times, and you have to prioritize the higher order motivations, and have to learn to suck it up to get them done some of the time. The caveman who's hungry but lacks the self discipline to go hunt an animal is obviously working at a disadvantage and would have been eliminated from the gene pool.

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          • #6
            ijjjji so what would be your approach?


            pureevil I think it's both. On some days there were friends and family who crossed my planned schedule and on other days myself purely was responsible for staying at home.
            I just copped out and went for being lazy and y stayed in the comfort zone. When arrived there in the comfort zone I even cannot enjoy it because I have a bad conscience and feel sad or depressed? and telling myself that I never be able to successfully approach girls and seduce them.

            So why I cop out ?

            1. While on one side I chase that image of myself being super confident, quick on the trigger and easily able to seduce girls

            2. On the other side what I plan feels super akward. Going out on the street and approach girls feels like akward and needy to me. This extra effort to trying to find a girl vs things happen naturally. . Well what I need here is also the validation hat it is the most normal thing to do as man. That's not a creepy thing and social acceptable and normal. That it is a wrong perception I hold. I'm afraid that people know what I try to do thinking oh this guys is into pick up and trying to seduce me, thats so lame..


            And even on a third side I feel fuck that shit. I'm good as I'm I dont need pick up to get a girlfriend. pu is super weird. Look at the most guys I saw in real life. Most of them are weirdos. Looking at the local communities. Most topics are which are created a full of weird questions and then filled with bullshit advice. Just read through headlines of the topics in the rsdforum. Looks like a bag of weirdos to me fallen into the pu trap. Pu is a joke a money machine. And even if it works do I really want to put in the effort? Shure It would be cool to get girlfriend but I also feel that I can satisfy my sexual needs on my own.

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            • #7
              So even if PU was weird. Would talking to girls be weird? Would fucking a girl you like, and she likes you be weird? Would living a better sex life than right now be weird? Etc etc

              Would I be saying something very off if your mindset/frame is more like 'will she like me or not?' than 'let's go for it and check out who this is, this might become an adventure for both of us *grin*'

              awkward and needy to approach? Sometimes sure. But its just a small symptom only apparent when you view from fear

              I'd rather view it as an active form of creating a story for yourself and her, a possible opportunity for adventure

              man, there are so many opportunities. Im still amazed by the amount of ones I missed, at least a few times a week. I know the potential approaching can have, to experience something really cool. And it keeps being interesting to me, because newer opportunities keep showing. Seeing new layers and how many things are possible. those pros definitely outweigh some of the cons. Yeah me too sometimes feel like 'uh oh, im not sure', be aware of it and do yourself a favour man

              you dont only have to talk to girls on the street by the way

              anyway, you sound kind of negative to me and like you cannot believe yet that girls would like you more than now... well they do!

              Doing PU doesnt mean ur not good enough, it means u can be better. Or even better that you WANT better or more of what ever it is


              talking to girls with some thought behind it = pu
              stop pedestalizing PU as something beyond that. . Were just a bit more nerdy about it here

              ur good enough for women, but only if you start thinking and acting that way

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Beckstar101 View Post
                pureevilWhen arrived there in the comfort zone I even cannot enjoy it because I have a bad conscience and feel sad or depressed? and telling myself that I never be able to successfully approach girls and seduce them.
                Yeah the comfort zone is actually quite unpleasant a lot of the time. That's the irony. Knowing in real time that you're copping out because its easy and safe SUCKS and isn't actually very comfortable at all.

                Originally posted by Beckstar101 View Post
                1. While on one side I chase that image of myself being super confident, quick on the trigger and easily able to seduce girls

                2. On the other side what I plan feels super akward. Going out on the street and approach girls feels like akward and needy to me. This extra effort to trying to find a girl vs things happen naturally. . Well what I need here is also the validation hat it is the most normal thing to do as man. That's not a creepy thing and social acceptable and normal. That it is a wrong perception I hold. I'm afraid that people know what I try to do thinking oh this guys is into pick up and trying to seduce me, thats so lame..

                And even on a third side I feel fuck that shit. I'm good as I'm I dont need pick up to get a girlfriend. pu is super weird. Look at the most guys I saw in real life. Most of them are weirdos. Looking at the local communities. Most topics are which are created a full of weird questions and then filled with bullshit advice. Just read through headlines of the topics in the rsdforum. Looks like a bag of weirdos to me fallen into the pu trap. Pu is a joke a money machine. And even if it works do I really want to put in the effort? Shure It would be cool to get girlfriend but I also feel that I can satisfy my sexual needs on my own.
                I see, you're caught questioning how useful the actions you're wanting to take actually are.

                First you need to focus on the third side, and decide whether or not learning how to fuck girls is something of interest. Go ahead and make a decision there that you stick to and that's that, make your choice and then stop this line of thinking entirely. This will free up a lot of mental baggage you're carrying: choose and stick with it, ain't a thought in your mind anymore.

                If you decide to keep going for it, you'll need to accept that there will be awkward phases along the way, EVERY time you step outside your comfort zone you'll be met with weird feelings like this. There will be a period of time where this happens no matter what, as you figure out what works for you. The more you figure out what works for you, the more going out and meeting/fucking girls will fall WITHIN your comfort zone, growing increasingly into an active pleasurable interest that you seek out. That's how the learning process works.

                For 2, Whatever frames you can come up with to overcome the "creepy" thing would be good. For example, you're not out to "PU chicks like a PUA robot," you're rolling out on a Tuesday night to chat up some strangers and see what kind of fun you can have. THAT is very normal, that's simply what people do at night. So if you frame it as "I want to go out bar hopping for a while, see if anything interesting is happening" it may be a lot easier to get yourself out the front door. PUA or not, plenty of people go out to bars at night to meet members of the opposite sex, that's as normal as it gets. If you say "hi" to a chick in the street on the way and try to chat her up, that's normal as fuck too! You're all good there.

                The hardest hump to get over is that first one. On days when I don't want to go to the gym cause I feel like copping out, I stop thinking about the whole 2-3 hour process or the 5 sets of squats I don't feel like doing, and just pack my bag and walk out the door. Almost as SOON as I'm on the way, I'm glad I've done it, and the rest all comes easier. It works similar to the 3-second rule: stop thinking and take the first step of action. Once you get the ball rolling momentum kicks in.

                You can baby-step it to help you get over the hump, you can set the goal as "I want to go out to a bar to check out how other people interact for at least an hour, I don't have to talk to anyone." Then do that for two weeks so that going out becomes comfortable and easy. THEN when you feel ready, focus on the next step "Ok now that its more natural to me to go out at night on my own, when I'm out this week, I'm going to talk to at least one person a night, guy or girl." Gradually introduce yourself to going out, then socializing, THEN work your way into approaching hotter girls.

                Taking baby steps like this is great! Way better than setting some lofty goal that makes you not want to leave the house. Break things down into achievable goals that you can accomplish, and come home feeling accomplished for taking action on that step. Then gradually work in more steps as you go. Spread it out over months or however long you need.

                If you break it down into smaller achievable goals like this, you'll end up in a mental place of achieving what you set out to do, which is confidence boosting in a genuine way. Then instead of spiraling downward into the not-so-comfortable comfort zone, you'll find yourself snowballing towards genuine confidence.

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                • #9
                  I love the buddhist approach to this. To find inner piece you must let go of all result thinking. Simplified, the causes of all our problems are wanting to have or wanting to get rid of.

                  Feel free to enjoy pleasures like sex etc. when you have it, but don't put too much importance on it. Instead focus on "the four supreme emotions": Love and kindness, Compassion, Joy and with others, and Equanimity.

                  Instead of looking for love from outer sources, first start loving yourself unconditionally and then everybody around you. That way you no longer need their love and approval, because your own love is all you need. And once you have that love and piece within yourself you can pursue life with less stress and anxiety.

                  Qlue recommended Ayya Khema in his meditation thread. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?lis...6pDJvVC3mWDqOH 01b, 01c and 01d is a good start. I suggest listening and taking notes, then going over the notes before and while doing contemplations.

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                  • #10
                    I try to answer this post now for about 90 minutes. And now I give up. I just put in the infos that I got out of trying to answer the post, even if it gets a bit offtopic:

                    -I cannot go agree with the point that I need to make the decision first because for me it is a bit more complicated. Because of pedestalizing it I see it as 2 task. 1. Getting good at pu vs getting good with women. Even it's the same in the end.At least I start realizing this.

                    -I think bazoom is right when he is saying I should stop pedestalizing pu. I pedestalize pu like a femdom mistress.

                    -A lot of anxiety in my interactions with women comes from "trying to doing everything right" when following the pu model. When I have a connection with women I can talk freely to them

                    -there is a difference for me in learning pu and talking to chicks. The first one creates a lot of stress by trying to press my conversation in my current pu model.

                    -I think I started to read pu way to early. I was about age of 14 I think. There I got unrealistic impressions of what is possible by the marketing industry. It's more pu in my mind then sex.. IT's more important to me to get good at pu then to get laid. This is weird. I put being good at pu over getting layed with women. I think my goals with women are total unrealistic. Even if I have a girlfriend she has her own needs and rights. I cannot fuck her everytime I want. Maybe I think with pu I get total control over women.



                    I think I went offtopic. Where is the connection to overcoming frustration about failing to go out

                    Mostly my misery started as I decided that asking for the way is not enough anymore and wanted to do the direct opening on walking girls. From there everything went downhill. Maybe I'm just not ready yet and should go back to asking for the way and trying to get an interaction from there.
                    I could also stop daygame and focus on club and bar game. There it's easier for me. Or I change nothing and stay in anger and frustration.
                    The original plan was to learn gw smma started by asking for direction for cold approach warm up and then doing the 25 direct opener on the streets.(he has a mission script) He even just put them in the audio as warming up lol. What a misery. Everything went wrong lol


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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Beckstar101 View Post
                      -there is a difference for me in learning pu and talking to chicks.
                      Time to toss "learning PU" out the door man. Fuck the idea of PU.

                      Personally, I used bits and pieces from these forums, but ultimately did my own thing almost entirely (I never went to "I'm supposed to do this, and supposed to do that"). I also mentally framed everything in a way that worked for me. If you go back to MASF days I'll have a lot of posts along the lines of "I'm NOT a PUA, I'm a guy who's good with girls." The proper self-framing helps a lot. In my own head I'm never thinking "I'm gonna go PU tonight," I'm always "rolling out to see if anything good is happening" or something like that.

                      Ultimately this is just about talking to chicks, vibing with chicks, and knowing how to move the interaction forward when the vibe is there. That's it. Go do that Forget everything you know, free your mind of all expectations, and just go talk to chicks.

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                      • #12
                        Ah pureevil it didnt help to toss it out of the window. I'm still having the internal conflict. At the moment I have free time because this week is holiday for me. Yesterday the hole afternoon I was at home trying to engage myself in fun things but the voice that was saying I need to go out was almost always present anywhere in the back of my head. Wasnt able to cut it off and enjoy my afternoon but also wasnt able to step a fucking single step outside. It's really an annyoing feeling.

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