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Personal stuff, power games etc

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  • Personal stuff, power games etc

    A couple of lines about myself:
    I am 41 years old.
    I had a little adventure with my metabolic syndrome and colitis. I took a lots of medical examinations to find out that my metabolic syndrome will make me seem fatter (5 kilos more than the normal person, which is not that much). My doctor adviced me to spend more time walking... Well, I did a ton of medical examinations in a short amount of time in various doctors and in a hospital.
    In the meantime, I visited one of the best doctors of my area to find out why I had a bloated belly (spastic colitis is the health issue here), which during most of the evenings made me look like a pregnant woman, which is not good because I am a man. Hopefully I control this problem with medication.
    My OLTR commented about my bloated belly before, and I had an issue that I had to think about my belly while I was dancing.
    Now, I think that my irritable bowel will not be an issue anymore, because I take my medication and I currently look like a normal person. I also follow a strict diet to control bloating (I avoid certain foods). When I stop my medication and the problem returns I have to go to the gastroenterologist again.
    I don't only try to look like an energetic and healthy person to girls, but I also try to develop a healthy social life.
    I meet lots of people I chat with daily, and I can connect with most of them easily.
    I wonder: why do I have to be always the first one to initiate contact with them? They always never call me if I don't call them first.
    I have this issue with:
    - my best friend.
    - acquaintances I discuss with daily.
    - my brother who lives far away and he is married.
    ​​​I have a person to go out which is my OLTR and my best friend who is a guy, but it is a limited social circle. I am not jealous of people who enjoy their lives with lots of friends, but I don't like the fact that I have to be the one who calls always first the people he knows, the one who has to message them first, the one who asks them out first etc.
    Well, I don't have this kind of problems with my OLTR (I don't have to beg her to call me on the telephone).
    Thoughts?
    ​​​​​

  • #2
    I don't get how the first part of the post is connected to the second, but sometimes we just have to get stuff out of our heads and onto paper somewhere, so I'll just interpret it as such.

    About the calling-first thing: I have a friend in Northern Germany, and this guy is quite unique in that pretty much every day (sometimes random) people are crashing on his couch. When I'm visiting the city, that's me, but when I'm not there, they very rarely have a day when nobody's there. In my own flat, nobody ever visits. So I was curious and asked him how he did it.

    He told me that it started out when he was the oldest of his friends and was first to have his own flat, so all his friends would come around and do stuff there that they couldn't do when at home under parental supervision. He said since there was someone visiting all the time, he never had to go out and visit anyone, so he simply didn't, and it became a habit. He believes there are people who are "hosts" and people who are "visitors", and there's no shame in being one or the other.

    This made me think a lot, and I realized three things:
    1. Many of my friends don't have the means to visit me easily (they don't have a car and live far off)
    2. I'm very used to offering to visit myself, and I rarely even ask them whether they'd enjoy visiting me for a change.
    3. With many, I've developed this habit of visiting when on the way to visiting another friend.

    Sure enough, after I realized all that, I started inviting people over to my place, just out of curiosity whether it might work. Now I have people over 2-3 times a week on average, and will visit others when I feel like it. So it can be changed.

    Now what has this to do with your contacting each other thing? A lot. Because most likely, you and your friends have developed similar habits. They are most likely just very used to not having to call you because you call them anyway. So if you want to change that:
    1. Allow yourself to NOT call for a while.
    2. Get some new friends with which you establish other routines. It helps to "normalize" the new way of doing things if you can "practice".

    See if that helps
    Jester

    P.S.: btw about the bloating stomach thing, I had similar issues for 10 years or so, went to many doctors that could never help, until I realized it's a combination of unresolved trauma and several repressed chakras (you don't have to believe the concepts behind it, I myself am very sceptical of all this stuff, but so far my process could be interpreted as what's described as "kundalini awakening", so you might want to take a look at that thing). Also, an irritable bowel syndrome is connected to some sort of spiritual awakening in certain cultures. So if you've experienced symptoms similar to shizophrenia, I'd read up on that stuff, too, before you let some clueless doctor erradicate a potential gift
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    • #3
      Jester,

      My first part about the health serves the purpose of informative paragraph about my last adventures in life. I agree with you that it is not connected to the second part of my post about my social life. Therefore as you noticed I was looking to discuss 95 percent about my social life and 5 percent about my health, because I get a ton of health from doctors anyway.
      BUT my bloated belly is indirectly connected to my social life, quality of life and how people perceive me as a social being.
      About my social life:
      Now, if I stop messaging my brother who is far away, in my experience he is not going to message me first even if I have to wait for years. He is very helpful when I ask for his support and he does his best, but he forgets messaging.
      About my best friend: he has depression and a not very social person in general. It is a wonder why this friendship has survived for so many years. He is a person he doesn't talk so much in general. If he starts watching TV, he forgets the rest of the world, because he is addicted.
      For the rest of the people:
      I don't know if their behaviour to me so far is an appropriate one, but I Don't expect that much from an acquaintance anyway. I was surprised that there were people I was meeting in random places, but they were not finally sure if they wanted to go out with me.
      ​​​​​​I agree with the rest of your advice.
      ​​
      ​​​​I can create a separate thread in the future about my health in which people can discuss about it, without any problem.
      ​​​​
      Last edited by Dateathome; 2 weeks ago.

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      • #4
        Alright, so perhaps it would do you good to ask yourself some hard questions:

        - How do you want to live your life in terms of personal connections to other people? What are your baseline requirements? Do yourself a favor and don't base this on the relationships you already have. Just dream up that perfect relationships with people you'd like to experience. Don't go for realistic, go for "what would make me really happy". Regardless of what exactly are your answers to these questions, somewhere out there are people who will fit that. As long as you don't know what you're looking for, you will
        a) overlook those people when you meet them and
        b) treat people you know in ways that prevents them from becoming this way.

        - Allow yourself to stand up for yourself and what you need, and act accordingly. This is the hardest part, which is why it can be a good idea to prepare some if-then-else chains before you undergo this process. Then if you're in a situation, you will act based on those instead of acting out all emotional (and thus vulnerable to emotional manipulation by people who want to prevent your own progress so they won't have to change as well).

        - Prepare yourself (and make "room" emotionally, financially, ...) for some hard times. Those are necessary parts of any growth cycle. You might have to let people go that were around for all your life. Or allow the forms of interaction with them to change, which can be painful. But necessary at times.

        I started this process in a very radical way close to a year ago. Now I published my first book, will be charging 100Ä/hr for giving courses and have met the yet most amazing woman I've ever met a few weeks ago, who happens to fit pretty much every single criteria I've envisioned my future companion to fit, at least as far as I can tell for now. And for about a year now, I never really get sick anymore, whereas before I felt sick like every other week or so.

        I wish you similar success, on your own terms

        Jester
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        • #5
          What happens when you do things to make them happy and they refuse to take these qualities? This happens too often. I think people have stupid standards most of the times.

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          • #6
            Props on getting your IBS sorted out. The food changes REALLY helped a lot for me. My brother too. (He was VERY sick even quitting work, before he listened about food changes)
            But it takes time (years) for all symptoms to go away. Just stick with foods you tolerate best, and slowly things will get better.

            I have a feeling friend popularity comes down to mix of
            -having style
            -being a good/supportive listener

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            • #7
              Originally posted by ijjjji View Post
              Props on getting your IBS sorted out. The food changes REALLY helped a lot for me. My brother too. (He was VERY sick even quitting work, before he listened about food changes)
              But it takes time (years) for all symptoms to go away. Just stick with foods you tolerate best, and slowly things will get better.

              I have a feeling friend popularity comes down to mix of
              -having style
              -being a good/supportive listener
              Colonoscopy is a must in my case, and I have to do this as well. I also have to experiment a bit on some foods which make my health worse.

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              • #8
                Hrm?

                Idid have friends that use to go out with me, as Iíve aged and they have too itís been that they get busy with kids or get tired of the same routine etc....

                My one friend for instance has become really passionate about the gym, another is having a daughter and a different from the other two is switching careers.

                Im almost amazed to say Iím living a smooth pilot life myself,I have gotten so use to going out by myself at this point that it hasnít really phased me much. I can make the temporary friends, temporary women etc..... and it works.

                Iíll speak about how lame it is starting to get to go out however. Half an hour line ups minimum for most restaurants on a Friday or Saturday, food prices going higher and women personalities getting worst. I was just out today to go read books and drink coffee and I had to walk to three coffee shops, the third being the spot where I could sit.

                Which is where I see my younger friends reacting the same way. ď18-22Ē Call Of Duty is 90 bucks and a fuckton of fun and you donít need to drive half an hour to get to your friends house to play it with them.

                Lastly a lot of people are gigantic pussies and live in a pattern/habit. I think since we are game wise we can really notice this factor more than most. I can change my personality and actions like an actor, most people never can get that far though so they struggle when asked to do something new.
                Is this all in my head? You don't
                move like a normal girl - Normal girls
                don't look like that, not in their eyes
                or the way you orchestrate my butterflies

                Brett McGibbon

                Self improvement isnt anywhere near as powerful as making her tingle lol

                PUA

                https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TahFeqo1iiU

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Must View Post
                  Hrm?

                  Idid have friends that use to go out with me, as Iíve aged and they have too itís been that they get busy with kids or get tired of the same routine etc....

                  My one friend for instance has become really passionate about the gym, another is having a daughter and a different from the other two is switching careers.

                  Im almost amazed to say Iím living a smooth pilot life myself,I have gotten so use to going out by myself at this point that it hasnít really phased me much. I can make the temporary friends, temporary women etc..... and it works.

                  Iíll speak about how lame it is starting to get to go out however. Half an hour line ups minimum for most restaurants on a Friday or Saturday, food prices going higher and women personalities getting worst. I was just out today to go read books and drink coffee and I had to walk to three coffee shops, the third being the spot where I could sit.

                  Which is where I see my younger friends reacting the same way. ď18-22Ē Call Of Duty is 90 bucks and a fuckton of fun and you donít need to drive half an hour to get to your friends house to play it with them.

                  Lastly a lot of people are gigantic pussies and live in a pattern/habit. I think since we are game wise we can really notice this factor more than most. I can change my personality and actions like an actor, most people never can get that far though so they struggle when asked to do something new.
                  Once I attempted to go out with one guy. We had to agree about which bar would be the best to have a drink. I did not feel the freedom I have when I go out alone.
                  Sometimes, I prefer to have a person next to me to discuss like a normal person because most of the times I communicate with people through SMS or the messenger.
                  I make lots of temporary friends as well and I think it is fine.
                  It is rare in my place to see someone who goes out alone.

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