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  • Got to see my kid today....

    The only reason this is remotely relevant to this forum is because I've posted about it before... and I have to admit that my daughter's beautiful mother still affects the way I think and act... mainly because we are connected to each other through the child and... I can't forget my daughter so I have to deal with her mother. Maybe this is a rationalisation – but isn't everything?

    Anyway this is not a legal or opinion post, just a subjective experience I want to share with you guys, since you already know the history and have been very supportive.

    Until today I did not see my D2 in person (outside of a FaceTime call) in almost three months. I am not going to get into the legal or argumentative bullshit or who is to blame for that fact. It's just a fact.

    When she saw me her eyes lit up and she ran to me. I can't tell you what a relief and a joy that was. I have missed about 15% of her entire life span, she is just starting to speak English, and she immediately recognised me, her eyes lit up, and she ran over to me. She reaches just past my knees when she is standing up and so I bent down to pick her up and hug and kiss her.

    It is moments like this that make me glad to be a man, make me think that all of the depression and self doubt and malingering and procrastinating is just a silly joke. Seriously – that moment alone makes today one of the best days of my life.

    We did not talk much, but we were very comfortable and content for the entire brief time. I am so glad that she enjoyed it as much as I did.

    A little banter - I would say "where's your daddy!" And she would giggle and her eyes would get wide, in that really happy-smile sort of way.

    She is learning her body parts - ears, eyes, mouth, nose, etc... and when I said, "where's daddy's nose?" she understood that too and she would reach out and put her tiny hand on my big Jewish nose.

    She's just a really great and sweet kid. As I get older the things I find important are shifting, but it is not incongruent. I went and had some drinks tonight... my bartender was 23 years old... I just all of a sudden felt great responsibility... not in a white knight, AFC way, but that... this girl is really craving a man to SEE her and take care of her... I at least owe it to her that I'm congruent with what man I am going to be in her life - barfly? orbiter? fuck her in the ass and never call again? friend? lover?

    - all are legitimate choices for a young woman... and she will choose them all. The thing is she needs zero bullshit from me and conversely I have a lot to offer her. We both know this. And sometimes a woman will tolerate an irresponsible and impetuous guy too. It's incumbent on me to know exactly why I am sitting there, and be very happy with my decision at all times

  • #2
    Originally posted by JWS View Post
    The only reason this is remotely relevant to this forum is because I've posted about it before... and I have to admit that my daughter's beautiful mother still affects the way I think and act... mainly because we are connected to each other through the child and... I can't forget my daughter so I have to deal with her mother. Maybe this is a rationalisation – but isn't everything?

    Anyway this is not a legal or opinion post, just a subjective experience I want to share with you guys, since you already know the history and have been very supportive.

    Until today I did not see my D2 in person (outside of a FaceTime call) in almost three months. I am not going to get into the legal or argumentative bullshit or who is to blame for that fact. It's just a fact.

    When she saw me her eyes lit up and she ran to me. I can't tell you what a relief and a joy that was. I have missed about 15% of her entire life span, she is just starting to speak English, and she immediately recognised me, her eyes lit up, and she ran over to me. She reaches just past my knees when she is standing up and so I bent down to pick her up and hug and kiss her.
    I think we know who is to blame. The fact is that the majority of men do want to be a big part of their child's life. There are too many cases where men are deprived of that or have obstacles placed in their way that make it difficult.

    It's great that you had a chance to have an awesome time with your daughter. Here's hoping that you get another chance to see her again real soon. Children who have both parents as a part of their lives are much better off.


    -NYPG

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by JWS View Post
      The only reason this is remotely relevant to this forum is because I've posted about it before... and I have to admit that my daughter's beautiful mother still affects the way I think and act... mainly because we are connected to each other through the child and... I can't forget my daughter so I have to deal with her mother. Maybe this is a rationalisation – but isn't everything?
      Bullshit.

      The reason this is relevant is because bravely confronting the challenges of masculine leadership in an authentic and loving way is the real mission of this forum. JWS, your voice is needed and appreciated because you call it the way you see it, regardless of the wake you may leave behind.

      There is no guide for balancing emotional needs and attachments with right action. No guide other than our own experience, or the trial-and-error testimony of men we trust.

      You struck a chord with me admitting again how beautiful your daughter's mother is. I have my boy full time now. His mother is off to Abu Dhabi to restart her neglected career and to make up for time and opportunity lost to resentment and drunkenness. I have not yet overcome my loathing and resentment of her and the damage she so needlessly inflicted on our family. However, she is trying. And your example reminds me to focus my effort with her on forgiving.


      Until today I did not see my D2 in person (outside of a FaceTime call) in almost three months. I am not going to get into the legal or argumentative bullshit or who is to blame for that fact. It's just a fact.

      When she saw me her eyes lit up and she ran to me. I can't tell you what a relief and a joy that was. I have missed about 15% of her entire life span, she is just starting to speak English, and she immediately recognised me, her eyes lit up, and she ran over to me. She reaches just past my knees when she is standing up and so I bent down to pick her up and hug and kiss her.

      It is moments like this that make me glad to be a man, make me think that all of the depression and self doubt and malingering and procrastinating is just a silly joke. Seriously – that moment alone makes today one of the best days of my life.
      Shit. Three months is a long time. The longest my boy and I were ever separated was three weeks when he was only three months old. It was the hardest three weeks of my life because (due to complications) the whole time I never knew when I'd see him again. Would he remember me? Would he forget me? Would he think I abandoned him?

      Three months old and, you know what? When his mom came out of the arrival gate with him bundled in his baby sling, I ran up and we locked eyes. Then, just like your girl, he broke out into a huge smile. At three months old! All-time great moment of life right there.

      So, yeah, I'm really happy for you, brother. I know just what you mean.


      We did not talk much, but we were very comfortable and content for the entire brief time. I am so glad that she enjoyed it as much as I did.

      A little banter - I would say "where's your daddy!" And she would giggle and her eyes would get wide, in that really happy-smile sort of way.

      She is learning her body parts - ears, eyes, mouth, nose, etc... and when I said, "where's daddy's nose?" she understood that too and she would reach out and put her tiny hand on my big Jewish nose.

      She's just a really great and sweet kid. As I get older the things I find important are shifting, but it is not incongruent.
      I have this nagging feeling, because of the situation with his mother, because of my guilt, that I am operating at a deficit when it comes to raising my son. I see his flaws or his weaknesses or insecurities and I want to fix them. This feeling I know is not healthy. But it does inform the way I talk with him, the direction in which I try to guide his activities, and the type of structure I am trying to institute around him.

      So it's a struggle for me to remember to indulge him sometimes, to praise him, to punish him lovingly. Sometimes I don't know whether to push or withdraw or do nothing and be patient. He's only 7, after all.

      There are things I want to talk with him about, but it can't be me who brings them up: like faith, women, his mommy and daddy's relationship and finding his purpose.

      The best, most comforting thing I've found so far is to throw my efforts into living authentically so he can absorb by osmosis.

      Keep keeping me in check, JWS, and I'll pledge to do the same. Much love for you and both your daughters and their mothers.

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks Dai; and Update

        Thanks Dai and NYPG, I really appreciate your words!

        A brief update: it's amazing what you can accomplish by setting an intention. This past year has been the worst financial year I have had since my dad died 14.5 years ago. It was pretty scary at times. I am not completely out of the woods yet but I have been getting creative and making incremental moves. I am more optimistic now than I have been in a year.

        I simply could not afford to take the time off work and also the tremendous expense of gas and hotel, for the 750 km round trip to see my daughter each time. Also, the ex has been very inflexible about switching from Wednesdays and Thursdays, and since my D1 is now in school full time and her mother works full time, it's been almost impossible to see D2.

        The litigation is ongoing and I will win in the end, it's just very time consuming and expensive, even though I am self represented. And it's super complicated, even for a smart guy like me, so that takes mental energy too. (Side point: I don't think that is misandry so much as satisfying the legal cartel - HUGE money is made by keeping things super complicated).

        I have a promise of a job with a very prosperous local realtor who likes me a lot, as soon as I pass the real estate exam. Textbook is about 700 pages thick. I will do this. I am reading about 20-30 pages a day and submitting the assignments with high marks... while I am on break from my job doing...

        Deliveries. Food. Documents. Parcels. Mostly, so far I am delivering a lot of food, some booze, and the occasional non food/drink item. I designed (with a lot of feedback) and printed very cool business cards. At every delivery, after I see that they are happy and they've paid me, I hand them my card and explain how I am the only guy in town offering lunchtime deliveries and how I am happy to help in any way I can. They are surprised and happy to hear this, and I have got a couple of calls already, after handing out about 100 cards so far.

        Well guess what. D1's mom is now having a lot of Wednesdays and Thursdays off, for whatever reason, meaning she can watch D1 on those nights and take her to school in the morning. And the day after she told me her schedule for last week... someone called me and asked if I could go pick up a snowboard... in Vancouver, on Thursday! That's how the visit I describe in the OP was able to logistically happen. I literally jumped and fist-pumped... just like this:


        Johnny Drama from Entourage, when he heard he won the part.

        Then I went to work posting on all the free classified sites about my delivery service, within Kelowna, and to and from Vancouver. And I start getting calls. And more calls!

        I am not making a shitload of money (yet) but I am covering my gas plus making roughly as much as when I stay in Kelowna and do the same job. Problem solved!!!

        And just today R's lawyer sent me a proposal to see if I would like to switch the access to the weekends. We've had several false starts before with negotiations, but the timing of her overture is great. At least my D2 now gets to see me on a regular basis no matter what.

        As for the sisters, no one is going to be able to argue to a judge with a straight face any justification for keeping them apart. In the meantime I will be taking D1 on every break from school she gets... we bide our time until things get even better.

        The separation has brought me and D1 closer together because we talk about her sister all the time. I tell her how she reminds me of her and the ways I notice she is different. I am very careful not to imply a favourite because a favourite does not exist for me between them.

        The universe works in funny ways sometimes. I'm especially happy for my D2 who finally has an opportunity to spend significant, regular time with me – what every little girl wants more than almost anything else.

        Comment


        • #5
          Hey Joseph,

          when things run wild and difficult and you did nearly everything you could on a conscious and physical level, it is time to look at things from a different angel and lift it on a different level in order to solve the problems.

          I firmly believe that relationships can be something like a mirror. In this mirror you can see 1) unresolved drama thats rooted in the history of your family and 2) unresolved drama that comes from unresolved childhood issues.

          On the old forum I already proposed you attend a so called "family constellation". When your relationships are a mess it is high time to have a look into the trauma of your families past. This is something really basic when you want to straighten out your relationship with your femals (the mothers of D1,D2).

          Wiki hast some info on Family Constellations:
          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Constellations

          Family Constellations are a very unique experience that provide escellent insight into difficult and messy family matters. Unsually the initiated processes lead to solutions that fit for everyone in the family system.

          Here is a vid on you tube. Family Constellations are a very powerful experience, give it a try, your whole family will profit from it.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFKO...eature=related

          Secondly you can also try to realign the traumatas you experienced in your own childhood. I worked a lot with the Presence Process written by Michael Brown. Maybe the process he describes may seem very complicated, but for me it has been highly effective. After doing the Presence Process a couple of times I feel so rooted in my life like never before. When you want to read the book, get the first edition, which is more direct and severe. The second edition is kind of softened out.

          Michael Browns principle of approching things however are quite simple: Whenever you experience stressful, painful and unpleasant things you immediatly stay with the emotions until you felt through them.

          Here Michael Brown on Youtube:

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yFC2nJqVog

          Joseph, since Im a father of a 16 year old daughter, that's why I really feel with you and I hope you gain all you need to make things work for you. Best luck!

          Kraftmann

          Comment


          • #6
            Thank you Kraftmann... I recall you did post that for me on the old forum and it's one of the things I credit with helping my mind and my emotions a great deal!

            I am not sure if you caught it, but I feel way less dramatic and much happier and optimistic since the last time I posted about this "crisis". I feel like things are really working out in the sense that I am content and I have a happy family life for the first time since I was a little boy. I am not feeling nearly as anxious or sad about other people's moves... I am very happy.

            But I do thank you for the feedback, as always.

            Comment


            • #7
              Joseph, I just wanted to let you know that your daughters WILL in time come to realise just how deep your love for them is, no matter what they'll hear from other people.. just keep doing whatever you can to be a part of their lives, love them unconditionally and everything will work itself out somewhere down the line.

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