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Satisfied But Confused: Stepping Out of FWB Boundaries

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  • Satisfied But Confused: Stepping Out of FWB Boundaries

    Hello, everyone!

    I am posting this thread because I am terribly confused about a Friends With Benefits situation.
    First off, this guy and I have been "hooking up" since early December. We live near each other and see each other often during the day, however there are no love texts or calls being placed. Some nights, we "hook up". For me, this is ideal as I have just ended a LTR and am not looking for anything too serious. However, I think he may be breaking the rules when it comes to FWBs. Originally, we would only stay around each other to get the deed done, with little conversation. I started out by going to his house, and never, never spending the night. Soon after, we switched and he began coming to my house. The first night, he left pretty soon after we were finished. Now when he comes over he stays the entire night, we listen to music, play card games, sometimes chess on the computer. He holds me throughout the night, and cuddling is not unusual. Also, the departure time in the morning is getting later and later...we spend a good bit of time in bed just talking. THEN, one night he sends me a text asking to just come over and hold me. I thought this was a little weird, but I allowed it thinking I would get to have sex in the morning. We did have sex the next morning, but the whole situation confused me. After he leaves, we don't talk anymore until I see him in the neighborhood, or the next time we get a chance to "hook up". This usually happens around 1-3 times a week.

    Please, someone help me figure out what this guy is thinking! I don't want to run him off by being presumptuous, but it seems like something more could possibly be happening, just need other's perceptions.

    Elaboration given upon request.

    Thanks in advance!

  • #2
    At first he just liked fucking you, but now he likes fucking you and he likes you.

    Tubarao's Relationship Rules 3.0 post in the Hall Of Fame will give you the terms for what I'm about to say and is a great resource for this kind of question.

    You started as FB/FWB, for a couple months, and now you are being "upgraded" to MLTR. He's actually following the Rules quite accurately...and seeing you as "relationship potential" instead of just "good sex."

    Are you cool with being upgraded, or do you just want to keep hooking up? As in, do you enjoy those couple-y-zone activities as well, or is that purely for his benefit since he's the one requesting it? It sounds like the latter, but please clarify, because that answer determines your next move.

    Oh, and welcome to the jungle.


    • #3
      Thanks for such immediate input for your question, I can honestly say I am not sure. I was cool with us just being FWB but I think I am enjoying this newfound territory. I just know that I can sometimes interpret things that are not really there. I am very hesitant about putting my feelings out there if I am unsure of the other person's thoughts. I enjoy all of the time we spend together, but I don't know how to advance it to telephone talk. I would like us to be able to text or call each other without it seeming weird. But anyway, thank you so much, a man's perspective is exactly what I needed. Does this situation continue to get upgraded or is he happy @ this point, do you think?


      • #4
        Oh and thanks for the welcome!


        • #5
          It sounds to me like you are not happy with this. You should have the relationship you want. If you want too keep it as FWB, you are going to have to assert yourself a bit. Figure out what you want and insist on that.

          Question; is either of you hooking up with anyone else? Do you want to be able to hook up with another guy if the right one comes along? Does he? FB/FWB relationships go bad when one person starts to want more.

          It sounds like these meetups are getting closer to together, and you are slowly drifting into BF/GF land. If you don't want to do that, you have to verbalize the situation. You can do it nicely; I like the way we are together, this gives us all the good stuff in a relationship and none of the bad stuff or restrictions on what we do. We get together and have a great time and then go our own ways and do our own thing and are free to meet other people. Or if this is getting to be a bit too much, you may have to tell him to dial it back, but again you can do it nicely, and say you liked the way it was before better, this is starting to feel confining. That you don't want a BF and he is turning himself into one. Set some rules. Like dinner and sex, great, no sleep-overs.

          It could fall apart when you do that. It happened to me, a FWB decided she wanted more, and it fell apart because I didn't.

          If it falls apart, you can find another guy who will do this your way. If he is not willing to leave it as FWB, and that is what you want, it is never going to work and you might as well get it over with and start looking for the next FWB. And be firmer with rules next time.

          Life is for learning.
          The older the violin, the sweeter the music. Augustus McCrae


          • #6
            Thanks for the advice! However, if this were the case, wouldn't he @ least call me like during the day or something. I'm not really sure what I want @ this point because it is catching me off guard. The sex is REALLY good, and I don't want to chase him away by appearing clingy, because I maybe reading his signals all wrong. What's a good way to bring it up without seeming desperate?


            • #7
              I think it is better to let the "concept" of the relationship behind. Just experience it.

              As a man, I would not like to discuss the metter, because things may change after that.


              • #8
                Be less available. Whether or not you want a relationship, you want to have the choice of when it happens, and not be forced into it. If he's like most men, he's going to start getting clingy and possessive, and that's a huge attraction killer. Don't let the relationship get to a place where he feels like you owe him something. Even if you ultimately decide to have a relationship with him, you want it to be based on mutual joy and enhancement, not because "it just happened". Keep seeing him, but be picky about when it happens. And don't be afraid to meet other guys.


                • #9
                  I agree with Bull, lose the concept of the 'dating relationship', firstly.

                  It is apparent he is taking an interest in you for more than just FWB. The cuddling and lengthy visits tell this. And it really sounds like you're open to the idea this relationship growing to be more than just FWB. Let it happen naturally.