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OM trial after 12 years of monogamy...

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  • #16
    I read a few of your blog posts, and I gotta say, it's refreshingly introspective and honest. I relish the opportunity to add this to my knowledge base and gain additional perspective on relationships.

    This line stood out to me: "Last night when I was looking at all the stuff he was doing it actually turned me off. Made me feel dislike towards him. I never disliked my husband. I love him like crazy! But I am being honest. When it is theoretical, I manage it okay. When I see it practiced, it disgusts me."

    It's interesting to me, because the few times that I tried OLTRs and MLTRs, my conclusion was the same: better in theory than in practice.

    Recently, I found myself in a situation where I was away on business and an attractive married woman was definitely DTF with me. It was flattering and exciting, but I poured water on that fire for a whole number of reasons. Since then, I have entertained the (impossible) notion that maybe one day I could convince my wife (who is nowhere near as submissive but equally as monogamous as you) to open up our marriage as long as everything is completely discreet. The conclusion I came to: even if it were possible, the work that it would take to get there would be overly burdensome, the jealousy it would cause would be irreversible, and the risk to my mental stability (I am a mess when single) are not worth a little sex. I've had enough sexual experiences. Maybe I feel that way because I have always sought out variety, and even though it's only with 20-something different women, I feel like I've done everything there is to do with it. To be honest, I get more pleasure out of going to the beach with my wife and watching her walk up to me with a big smile on her face carrying some shaved ice that she bought for me while all the other guys stare in disbelief than I could have from any sexual experience. So why would I risk that thing that gives me so much more pleasure than sex for something that I feel so been-there-done-that about? Doesn't make sense.

    I'll be following your blog for sure. Keep it up.

    And as always, I think Thin Man has some amazing insights about how circumstances can affect whether an open marriage would work or not.
    "In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them." --John Von Neumann

    "Courage is found in unlikely places." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

    Comment


    • #17
      Originally posted by SteelyDan View Post
      I read a few of your blog posts, and I gotta say, it's refreshingly introspective and honest. I relish the opportunity to add this to my knowledge base and gain additional perspective on relationships.

      This line stood out to me: "Last night when I was looking at all the stuff he was doing it actually turned me off. Made me feel dislike towards him. I never disliked my husband. I love him like crazy! But I am being honest. When it is theoretical, I manage it okay. When I see it practiced, it disgusts me."

      It's interesting to me, because the few times that I tried OLTRs and MLTRs, my conclusion was the same: better in theory than in practice.

      Recently, I found myself in a situation where I was away on business and an attractive married woman was definitely DTF with me. It was flattering and exciting, but I poured water on that fire for a whole number of reasons. Since then, I have entertained the (impossible) notion that maybe one day I could convince my wife (who is nowhere near as submissive but equally as monogamous as you) to open up our marriage as long as everything is completely discreet. The conclusion I came to: even if it were possible, the work that it would take to get there would be overly burdensome, the jealousy it would cause would be irreversible, and the risk to my mental stability (I am a mess when single) are not worth a little sex. I've had enough sexual experiences. Maybe I feel that way because I have always sought out variety, and even though it's only with 20-something different women, I feel like I've done everything there is to do with it. To be honest, I get more pleasure out of going to the beach with my wife and watching her walk up to me with a big smile on her face carrying some shaved ice that she bought for me while all the other guys stare in disbelief than I could have from any sexual experience. So why would I risk that thing that gives me so much more pleasure than sex for something that I feel so been-there-done-that about? Doesn't make sense.

      I'll be following your blog for sure. Keep it up.

      And as always, I think Thin Man has some amazing insights about how circumstances can affect whether an open marriage would work or not.
      This just sounds like limiting beliefs at play - "I could never do it" "it wouldn't be worth it anyway" "I'm satisfied where I am."

      Comment


      • #18
        Have you and your husband really been having hot steamy sex every day for the past 12 years???l
        "I'm the kind of guy you don't want to bring home to mom. Cuz I'd fuck your mom."

        "I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination"

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by SteelyDan View Post
          I read a few of your blog posts, and I gotta say, it's refreshingly introspective and honest. I relish the opportunity to add this to my knowledge base and gain additional perspective on relationships.

          This line stood out to me: "Last night when I was looking at all the stuff he was doing it actually turned me off. Made me feel dislike towards him. I never disliked my husband. I love him like crazy! But I am being honest. When it is theoretical, I manage it okay. When I see it practiced, it disgusts me."

          It's interesting to me, because the few times that I tried OLTRs and MLTRs, my conclusion was the same: better in theory than in practice.

          Recently, I found myself in a situation where I was away on business and an attractive married woman was definitely DTF with me. It was flattering and exciting, but I poured water on that fire for a whole number of reasons. Since then, I have entertained the (impossible) notion that maybe one day I could convince my wife (who is nowhere near as submissive but equally as monogamous as you) to open up our marriage as long as everything is completely discreet. The conclusion I came to: even if it were possible, the work that it would take to get there would be overly burdensome, the jealousy it would cause would be irreversible, and the risk to my mental stability (I am a mess when single) are not worth a little sex. I've had enough sexual experiences. Maybe I feel that way because I have always sought out variety, and even though it's only with 20-something different women, I feel like I've done everything there is to do with it. To be honest, I get more pleasure out of going to the beach with my wife and watching her walk up to me with a big smile on her face carrying some shaved ice that she bought for me while all the other guys stare in disbelief than I could have from any sexual experience. So why would I risk that thing that gives me so much more pleasure than sex for something that I feel so been-there-done-that about? Doesn't make sense.

          I'll be following your blog for sure. Keep it up.

          And as always, I think Thin Man has some amazing insights about how circumstances can affect whether an open marriage would work or not.
          SteelyDan,
          I wish my husband has had the 20 some experiences before he met me, maybe then he would also feel like you do - your wife walking up to you and guys staring in disbelief is better than a little sex... And I totally agree with you on your decision to not bother, for you it is not worth it. But he hasn't had those experiences. Which is why we are going through all this... He enjoys being out with me and men staring as well, but it is not cutting it. He craves variety. And that is not changing... It's just who he is.

          Thank you for support.

          Comment


          • #20
            Originally posted by Dude909 View Post
            Have you and your husband really been having hot steamy sex every day for the past 12 years???l


            No, since we married so young - we both learned along each other, both read extensively on the subject and figured out what we like and how to do it. I would say half the time we were learning and the other half we were were really into it. Then this year I felt like something happened. We still had sex quite often, but I could sense something was on his mind. Something was off. Then finally he brings this whole variety thing up and it clicks in. Ever since he opened up about how he feels, not even knowing whether I will go for it or not, our sex life went from 10 to 15. I think for him the biggest deal is actually being HONEST with me about it. Just knowing I love him for who he is. Even with these desires. So now sex went from hot and steamy to super hot and steamy.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by zylya View Post
              This just sounds like limiting beliefs at play - "I could never do it" "it wouldn't be worth it anyway" "I'm satisfied where I am."
              Zylya,
              You do not think a man can really feel that way? I mean, feel like what he has got is way better? There is no chance?

              Comment


              • #22
                Zyla,

                Since age 22 or so, I have not been a victim of self-limiting beliefs -- if anything I have been a victim of too-lofty expectations. Of this I am sure: if there were any conversations in the direction of open marriage, there wouldn't be an unbroken dish in the house. My wife is sensitive, and if you cross her, she goes 50 shades of cray.

                To me, not believing that monogamy is possible is a self-limiting belief. I recognize that our situation is unique to us. Other situations may warrant different relationship configurations.
                "In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them." --John Von Neumann

                "Courage is found in unlikely places." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by SteelyDan View Post
                  Zyla,

                  Since age 22 or so, I have not been a victim of self-limiting beliefs -- if anything I have been a victim of too-lofty expectations. Of this I am sure: if there were any conversations in the direction of open marriage, there wouldn't be an unbroken dish in the house. My wife is sensitive, and if you cross her, she goes 50 shades of cray.

                  To me, not believing that monogamy is possible is a self-limiting belief. I recognize that our situation is unique to us. Other situations may warrant different relationship configurations.
                  SteelyDan,
                  I would like to mention to you that before my husband brought this up to me that seriously, I was ready to kill him at one mention of polygamy jokes, any comment about anyone's attractiveness, if I saw him looking at someone, if I felt he is paying attention to ANY female besides me. I am your perfect example of uber-jealous wife, that wants her husband all for herself... And look where it got me. And I am still coping with my jealousy.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Yeah, but my wife actually screams and breaks stuff when she is upset. That goes a long way (and to me, it's hawt). She comes from a culture of powerful women, similar to my mom. I'm used to it, but I don't think most guys could handle it.

                    Any persuasive technique can be boiled down to creating a cost benefit curve that is favorable to the desired outcome. Whether or not she knows what she is doing, it works.
                    "In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them." --John Von Neumann

                    "Courage is found in unlikely places." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Originally posted by SteelyDan View Post
                      Yeah, but my wife actually screams and breaks stuff when she is upset. That goes a long way (and to me, it's hawt). She comes from a culture of powerful women, similar to my mom. I'm used to it, but I don't think most guys could handle it.

                      Any persuasive technique can be boiled down to creating a cost benefit curve that is favorable to the desired outcome. Whether or not she knows what she is doing, it works.
                      What is her background?

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        if I posted it, my anonymity would be compromised. Check your PMs.
                        "In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them." --John Von Neumann

                        "Courage is found in unlikely places." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by SteelyDan View Post
                          if I posted it, my anonymity would be compromised. Check your PMs.
                          Got it. Well, I think my background is even more fiery - I am Russian. Just the kind of person BD says he would never date ))

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by SteelyDan View Post
                            if I posted it, my anonymity would be compromised. Check your PMs.
                            Well, now you have us all wondering.... though Latina women are known for their feistiness, lol. My sister that is half Peruvian is always telling me to be more violent. She thought I should throw a pitcher of tea at my ex husband when he was lying on the porch getting a tan instead of helping out with the kids, stuff like that.
                            Check out my blog!
                            http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              LG,

                              I agree with your sister. I have been in relationships where My thoughts and actions went unchecked, and for one thing, I just don't like the leader-follower dynamic. It doesn't achieve at the same level as a balance of power partner dynamic.

                              More importantly, I am just naturally attracted to confident sexy-smoldering fiery assertive women.
                              "In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them." --John Von Neumann

                              "Courage is found in unlikely places." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Originally posted by SteelyDan View Post
                                Yeah, but my wife actually screams and breaks stuff when she is upset. That goes a long way (and to me, it's hawt).
                                I think there is an insight in this... I was married for almost 15 years... To a fellow WASP and the first time we really fought was after she moved out, but as I have mentioned elsewhere she refused to have sex for many years. No passion out of bed seems to be related to no passion in bed.

                                My OLTR who can fog up the bedroom windows on a good night... Does fight like a mongoose... She is Jewish, so her style tends less towards plate throwing and more towards astounding if witty sarcasm, and a jaw dropping skill at combining swearwords in new and creative ways.

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