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OM trial after 12 years of monogamy...

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  • #31
    ^^^^More evidence that men love drama...

    Anyway, I don't know that drama is the right answer in this situation. If you feel uncomfortable, I think you should honestly and openly express your fears and concerns. If he loves you he will be considerate of those and your limitations and be willing to take things slowly/compromise as needed.
    Check out my blog!
    http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/

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    • #32
      Originally posted by Lovergirl View Post
      ^^^^More evidence that men love drama...

      Anyway, I don't know that drama is the right answer in this situation. If you feel uncomfortable, I think you should honestly and openly express your fears and concerns. If he loves you he will be considerate of those and your limitations and be willing to take things slowly/compromise as needed.
      Thanks Lovergirl. Just so much up and downs, so much emotions on my part, I make it hard for him. I feel bad for making it more difficult.

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      • #33
        Everyone loves drama. They just like their own brand of drama, in the same way that people have a favorite meal, a favorite drink or a favorite TV show.

        Men watch sports. That's drama.

        A common male fantasy is two women engaged in physical combat over them. That's drama.

        Men watch shows like The Sopranos, The Wire, The Walking Dead, etc. to get their drama fix. The brand of drama is different from say Sex In the City, but the result is the same: drama.

        Role playing in the bedroom is drama (obviously, right?)

        Fantasizing about the babysitter is drama.

        Open relationships are drama.

        Finally -- and this is my wife's theory, not mine -- people who say they hate drama are generally the ones who create the most of it.

        The opposite of drama is not happiness, it is boredom.
        "In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them." --John Von Neumann

        "Courage is found in unlikely places." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

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        • #34
          Originally posted by openwife View Post
          Zylya,
          You do not think a man can really feel that way? I mean, feel like what he has got is way better? There is no chance?
          I'm not talking in the general, I was talking about that one specific instance only.

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          • #35
            Originally posted by SteelyDan View Post
            Everyone loves drama. They just like their own brand of drama, in the same way that people have a favorite meal, a favorite drink or a favorite TV show.

            Men watch sports. That's drama.

            A common male fantasy is two women engaged in physical combat over them. That's drama.

            Men watch shows like The Sopranos, The Wire, The Walking Dead, etc. to get their drama fix. The brand of drama is different from say Sex In the City, but the result is the same: drama.

            Role playing in the bedroom is drama (obviously, right?)

            Fantasizing about the babysitter is drama.

            Open relationships are drama.

            Finally -- and this is my wife's theory, not mine -- people who say they hate drama are generally the ones who create the most of it.

            The opposite of drama is not happiness, it is boredom.
            Actually, we have a pretty specific definition of drama as relates to seduction. It's the negative, harsh actions or words from a woman (or man) towards a man (or woman) where the target is the subject of said negativity. It includes things like: arguments, nagging, complaining, threats/ultimatums, silent treatment, crying etc (but when the negativity is aimed at the person receiving it - crying about, say, a personal loss wouldn't count). When we say people "love drama" on this forum, that's what we refer to.

            You're using drama in its more mainstream sense of being a performance. You cannot conflate these two separate entities - it's meaningless. Although it's the same English word used to refer to both, they're not the same meaning.

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            • #36
              Originally posted by SteelyDan View Post
              Everyone loves drama. They just like their own brand of drama, in the same way that people have a favorite meal, a favorite drink or a favorite TV show.

              Men watch sports. That's drama.

              A common male fantasy is two women engaged in physical combat over them. That's drama.

              Men watch shows like The Sopranos, The Wire, The Walking Dead, etc. to get their drama fix. The brand of drama is different from say Sex In the City, but the result is the same: drama.

              Role playing in the bedroom is drama (obviously, right?)

              Fantasizing about the babysitter is drama.

              Open relationships are drama.

              Finally -- and this is my wife's theory, not mine -- people who say they hate drama are generally the ones who create the most of it.

              The opposite of drama is not happiness, it is boredom.
              My husband HATES all my jealousy drama. So hard on him, because he says I have zero ground to be jealous... But my nature is such. I am fighting against it all the time. Again, I mentally understand I have no reason to be this way. But my emotions take over. This is really hard on our relationship right now. But then I think about the other option - NOT having the OM and knowing that I am depriving him of what he really wants, and constantly doubting him and wondering what/who he is thinking about... That would be hell.

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              • #37
                Originally posted by zylya View Post
                Actually, we have a pretty specific definition of drama as relates to seduction. It's the negative, harsh actions or words from a woman (or man) towards a man (or woman) where the target is the subject of said negativity. It includes things like: arguments, nagging, complaining, threats/ultimatums, silent treatment, crying etc (but when the negativity is aimed at the person receiving it - crying about, say, a personal loss wouldn't count). When we say people "love drama" on this forum, that's what we refer to.

                You're using drama in its more mainstream sense of being a performance. You cannot conflate these two separate entities - it's meaningless. Although it's the same English word used to refer to both, they're not the same meaning.
                Zylya,
                Last night he went out on the first date. And even though it didn't end with sex (we hasn't dated in forever, so he is rusty) I was so jealous. I tried really hard to practice compersion, as per your advice, and at times I did okay, while he was gone. But when he came home, and I asked him some details and found out he touched her butt, hair, ears, neck - I felt like something hard and cold was squeezing my heart. HOW am I going to deal with with this? How, how can I get better and not taking this stuff so seriously?
                I let him read this thread, and he said "See! I told you this stuff is meaningless! Listen to all these guys!", and yes. I hear it. But...

                Comment


                • #38
                  Originally posted by openwife View Post
                  Zylya,
                  Last night he went out on the first date. And even though it didn't end with sex (we hasn't dated in forever, so he is rusty) I was so jealous. I tried really hard to practice compersion, as per your advice, and at times I did okay, while he was gone. But when he came home, and I asked him some details and found out he touched her butt, hair, ears, neck - I felt like something hard and cold was squeezing my heart. HOW am I going to deal with with this? How, how can I get better and not taking this stuff so seriously?
                  I let him read this thread, and he said "See! I told you this stuff is meaningless! Listen to all these guys!", and yes. I hear it. But...
                  Just to clarify, and ensure I'm understanding correctly, you were fine while he was out (for the most part) but when he got back and you found out details, that's when jealousy really started hitting you?

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Originally posted by zylya View Post
                    You're using drama in its more mainstream sense of being a performance. You cannot conflate these two separate entities - it's meaningless. Although it's the same English word used to refer to both, they're not the same meaning.
                    I would say that I'm using the term drama in the more classical sense and you are using it in the more mainstream sense, but I believe that the latter is a subset of the former.

                    Anyone who ignores or denies the universal appeal of drama is not seducing.
                    "In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them." --John Von Neumann

                    "Courage is found in unlikely places." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Originally posted by openwife View Post
                      My husband HATES all my jealousy drama.
                      It may make him uncomfortable, he may say he hates it, but the absence of jealousy may be worse for your marriage than the presence of it.

                      And don't think for a minute that your husband isn't jealous of your extracurriculars as well.

                      In my observations, the basic appeal of open relationships and multiple relationships is the jealousy -- it's the bluntest and most basic seduction tool available to us. When couples choose to go with an open marriage, they are basically inviting jealousy into their relationship to stir up emotions and make the sex more intense, kind of like it was when we were teenagers.
                      "In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them." --John Von Neumann

                      "Courage is found in unlikely places." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Originally posted by zylya View Post
                        Actually, we have a pretty specific definition of drama as relates to seduction. It's the negative, harsh actions or words from a woman (or man) towards a man (or woman) where the target is the subject of said negativity. It includes things like: arguments, nagging, complaining, threats/ultimatums, silent treatment, crying etc (but when the negativity is aimed at the person receiving it - crying about, say, a personal loss wouldn't count). When we say people "love drama" on this forum, that's what we refer to.
                        I see "drama" as any unnecessary theatrics used to manipulate emotions negatively. That's how I've been meaning it.

                        I disagree that ANYTHING negative is drama. Drama exists in HOW the negativity is communicated, not THAT the negativity exists. Some degree of negativity will always exist between people over time, that's simply human nature. "Drama" comes into play in how its handled.

                        Example: Say I have a behavior that reminds a girl of something her big brother did to her as a kid that she hates. If she says "hey, let's talk for a second. I don't like the way you do this, because it reminds me of XYZ which brings back bad vibes," then there's NO DRAMA. She pointed out negativity in my direction, but NO DRAMA was involved, it was a reasonable rational request.

                        If however she flips out, raises her voice, and puts on an "angry performance," THEN she's drama.

                        Big difference! Any and all negativity does not equal drama. Drama to me is a "performance-style approach to conflict."

                        Likewise, a person can be negative all the time but not dramatic. Even keel, rational, negative people who see the dark side of everything but don't put on an emotional or emotionally manipulative performance. I'd screen these people out too. . . not for being dramatic, but for being negative all the time. These aren't one in the same at all to me.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Originally posted by zylya View Post
                          Just to clarify, and ensure I'm understanding correctly, you were fine while he was out (for the most part) but when he got back and you found out details, that's when jealousy really started hitting you?
                          Yes, that is correct.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Originally posted by SteelyDan View Post
                            It may make him uncomfortable, he may say he hates it, but the absence of jealousy may be worse for your marriage than the presence of it.

                            And don't think for a minute that your husband isn't jealous of your extracurriculars as well.

                            In my observations, the basic appeal of open relationships and multiple relationships is the jealousy -- it's the bluntest and most basic seduction tool available to us. When couples choose to go with an open marriage, they are basically inviting jealousy into their relationship to stir up emotions and make the sex more intense, kind of like it was when we were teenagers.
                            SteelyDan,
                            I would say for myself personally that the older I get the more sexually insane I get. The more driven and then more insatiable. When I was a teenager it was more about romance for me. Now it is all about raw sex.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Understood, but you admit that the sex is better after the open marriage talk and that you feel a lot of jealousy since the open marriage talk.

                              I am just pointing out the relationship between those two things.

                              Jealousy is a very powerful emotion, and emotions supercharge sex.
                              "In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them." --John Von Neumann

                              "Courage is found in unlikely places." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Originally posted by SteelyDan View Post
                                Understood, but you admit that the sex is better after the open marriage talk and that you feel a lot of jealousy since the open marriage talk.

                                I am just pointing out the relationship between those two things.

                                Jealousy is a very powerful emotion, and emotions supercharge sex.

                                You are right. I am more intensely jealous nowadays than before.

                                But I do think it will hurt our relationship in the long run if I am a picture of distress - that is just not attractive.

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