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OM trial after 12 years of monogamy...

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  • #46
    Having gone through an intensely sexual relationship that was fueled by jealousy, I tend to agree. Jealousy is fine in small doses for me, but it does have a toxicity level. After a while the fairy dust wore off, and I saw her in a different light. Kind of like she was a druggie chasing her next fix.

    I think different people have different tolerances for jealousy though. Swingers for example have a very high tolerance.
    "In mathematics, you don't understand things. You just get used to them." --John Von Neumann

    "Courage is found in unlikely places." -- J. R. R. Tolkien

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    • #47
      Originally posted by openwife View Post
      SteelyDan,
      I would say for myself personally that the older I get the more sexually insane I get. The more driven and then more insatiable. When I was a teenager it was more about romance for me. Now it is all about raw sex.
      This is probably because you and your husband already HAVE an emotional connection. That need is already fulfilled. It is the same for him, most likely. Try to remember that when you feel jealous.
      Check out my blog!
      http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/

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      • #48
        Originally posted by Lovergirl View Post
        This is probably because you and your husband already HAVE an emotional connection. That need is already fulfilled. It is the same for him, most likely. Try to remember that when you feel jealous.
        Thanks LG!

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        • #49
          Wow. It's been so long since I have read this forum. It is very helpful to re-read this thread. All the advice here is solid and is helping me to refocus. Thanks to all that answered!

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          • #50
            Originally posted by openwife View Post
            Wow. It's been so long since I have read this forum. It is very helpful to re-read this thread. All the advice here is solid and is helping me to refocus. Thanks to all that answered!
            How has the open marriage been going?
            -Supernova

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            • #51
              Supernova-
              My jealousy has been a bit better. It takes an enormous effort on my part to not lose at times. If I don't think about it, it's fine. If I allow my thoughts to wander in direction of what my husband wants, what it feels like to him with another woman, what are they doing, etc I start feeling pain, anger, jealousy etc. I try so hard, but am able to only flex my willpower muscle to a certain extent... maybe I need counseling?? I don't know.
              I dislike him wasting time on other people. Women are so flaky, and it wastes a lot of his time/our time just to get something going. Then it's all these pointless dates - I hate those.. I think I am bitter about the whole thing... it takes away from our time.
              If it was just once a month random fuck with no effort on his part and he never sees her again, it would be easier for me.
              So that's that, in a nutshell.
              Still love him insanely, and sex is still hot.

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              • #52
                Originally posted by openwife View Post
                Supernova-
                My jealousy has been a bit better. It takes an enormous effort on my part to not lose at times. If I don't think about it, it's fine. If I allow my thoughts to wander in direction of what my husband wants, what it feels like to him with another woman, what are they doing, etc I start feeling pain, anger, jealousy etc. I try so hard, but am able to only flex my willpower muscle to a certain extent... maybe I need counseling?? I don't know.
                I dislike him wasting time on other people. Women are so flaky, and it wastes a lot of his time/our time just to get something going. Then it's all these pointless dates - I hate those.. I think I am bitter about the whole thing... it takes away from our time.
                If it was just once a month random fuck with no effort on his part and he never sees her again, it would be easier for me.
                So that's that, in a nutshell.
                Still love him insanely, and sex is still hot.
                does it help for you to do things that you yourself enjoy in the time that he spends on the dates? Can imagine that would take a whole lot of the pressure away
                https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

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                • #53
                  I dislike him wasting time on other people. Women are so flaky, and it wastes a lot of his time/our time just to get something going. Then it's all these pointless dates - I hate those.. I think I am bitter about the whole thing... it takes away from our time.
                  Haha I know exactly.
                  My jealousy has been a bit better. It takes an enormous effort on my part to not lose at times. If I don't think about it, it's fine. If I allow my thoughts to wander in direction of what my husband wants, what it feels like to him with another woman, what are they doing, etc I start feeling pain, anger, jealousy etc. I try so hard, but am able to only flex my willpower muscle to a certain extent... maybe I need counseling?? I don't know.
                  Part of why I asked is because I learned about this recently and wanted to share. I have learned that all of our emotions are there simply to help and support us. This emotion of jealous is positive in that it gives you the lesson that you want to protect your investment (relationship with the husband). This emotion comes from the fear of loss, but when you don't fear losing then you don't have the emotion. Essentially when you learn the lesson behind the emotion then you are free to let go of the emotion. In this case if you just recognize the emotion of jealousy and understand it for being something that wants to keep you with your husband then you can use it to empower you. Often times it is not knowing this jealousy and acting in ways that will bring us further from our partner.

                  I very much respect what you are doing as it has to be challenging. This is an emotion that hits at the core. But for a relationship to work, I think it's also beneficial to take into account men's and women's natural desires.

                  -Supernova

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                  • #54
                    i *think* wanting to have more time to spend together is something of both sexes :') and not easily solved, unless you have other activities that enrapture your attention in a productive way and give you dopamine rushes
                    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

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                    • #55
                      Kit,
                      it would help,I am sure. But we have 3 kids, and I can't get a babysitter every time he is out... it's not realistic...but yes. It would help. Because if I am just home, I feel left behind, unwanted. It's psychological. :/

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                      • #56
                        Supernova,
                        I appreciate your post and your taking time to answer. I have been reading a ton on psychology, brain function and chemistry, and am aware of the facts you brought up. In theory, I understand it. In practice - all logic is blocked when I feel jealousy.

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                        • #57
                          Kit,
                          What other activities do you suggest? We do work out together whenever our schedules line up, and do fuck often. Not sure of any better dopamine producers...
                          I want more more more though. Too possessive, is what I am.

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                          • #58
                            hmmm i personally think videogames are interesting since those are made for dopamin rushes.. (very easy mainly, but other activities would be things that you like to do, e.g. being creative or dancing or somethings that include selfexpression, in my eyes)
                            that said. I meant an activity without him in order to get a grip on yourself and something to do when you aint with him.. it would also bring novelty to both of you I think


                            you were right:sports would be the first thing i suggest, but seeing as you are used to him it would be counterproductive + doing too much sports is also not good.
                            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

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                            • #59
                              Yes, you are right. But I only get a high from dancing (I love to dance!!) if I am in a crowd of people at a club... can't have that on a random Wednesday night, also not practical for me, as I said, we do have three kids.. I wish I could leave every time he is out. It would help. A lot.

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                              • #60
                                Originally posted by openwife View Post
                                Yes, you are right. But I only get a high from dancing (I love to dance!!) if I am in a crowd of people at a club... can't have that on a random Wednesday night, also not practical for me, as I said, we do have three kids.. I wish I could leave every time he is out. It would help. A lot.
                                haha cool & funny. I like dancing too.

                                i think with kids videogames definitely would be an option. There are so many out there at the market, you could 1) for sure find something that you like. 2) get your kids to play together with you occassionally

                                usually i am not that pro videogames cause i simply dont have the time (and have 1000s of other dopamine activities) but in your situation it sounds like something cool to try.

                                Otherwise get a kinect/wiii / whatever suits you and get a game for dancing for example?
                                https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

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