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OM trial after 12 years of monogamy...

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  • Men Allowed OM trial after 12 years of monogamy...

    Hi everyone.
    My first time posting here.. A year ago I would have never guessed that this is where I would end up. Life is unpredictable..
    We have been married for 12 years, married very young (18 and 22) and recently my DH has brought up that he lacks variety and would love to just have some fun on the side. We are very much n love, sex is great and is very frequent - every night, pretty much. And I am an extremely possessive woman, attractive, with big sex drive and jealous... It has been very very hard for me to do this for him, but I have agreed to try it.

    Does anyone have any pointers as to HOW to get over this jealousy?? How can I come to peace with it?? I know he loves me and I am secure in that. Plus, I can go fuck other guys too. Which I did not have a desire to do, because I am also very loyal. So really, I am trying it for his sake. HOW can I come out of it sane? Not freak out? Anyone went though this? I love him so much that I am going against my own self here. It is not hard for me to go have sex with another guy, because I think of husband anyway, and how I enjoy sex with him more, but I worry a lot that for him it may be different... He is still in the process of finding a lay (you know how it is so much easier for us girls to get laid, and tougher for the men). I am worried he will compare, or like someone more... Is variety sex a threat, if it is rare and truly FB sex?? Is it a threat in a sense that he may like it more than our sex? Our sex is hot, but after reading about men getting their variety fix I am worried.

    Thoughts?


    I put some of my deeper thoughts down on my blog, if anyone is so inclined to read it https://theopenwife.wordpress.com/

  • #2
    I really would recommend a high class swing club, and i would make rules before going and codes/signs(if it gets uncomfortable, similar to the signs you give female friends to be rescued in the dancefloor)....

    I would start with going to a swingclub and just touching with both of you PRESENT, no penetration or oral...

    The next time around maybe oral and not penetration... BOTH OF YOU PRESENT.

    Just feel stuff out and go from there... This i something i have done multiple times with many women, is your hubby good with women and social dynamics???? (this makes a huge difference as well)
    Sexting, my unique natural game, aggressive dance floor seductions, 15-20 minutes hook ups in clubs. Learn the proper way to maximize your results in a club type environment, check out my blog and youtube clubbing channel:

    www.dancefloorseduction.com









    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks for replying. We have considered swinging, but neither of us is too much into that. I think I would just die if I saw him touch another woman. I know, pretty bad.

      He is very confident, has charisma, is very attractive and intelligent. So yes, socially he is good.

      Comment


      • #4
        As it stands, I am not sure this has a win-win solution, because it sounds like he is asking you to give up one of your core needs in the relationship.

        I had a similar experience with a girl more than a decade ago. She gave in to my desire to open up the relationship, but then she ended up finding a used condom in the trash can in my aptmnt, and started sobbing unconsolably. I liked her a lot, so I decided to make her happy by going back to being monogamous. But things had changed and resentment had started from both sides, and the whole thing ended badly.

        So if you plan to do it, make sure that you are doing it NOT as a sacrifice. Sacrifice does not end well for anyone. If you keep telling yourself that you are jealous, that will BE reality. Choose words carefully, how you phrase these things to yourself. This can be expanded further, but I am on the phone right now.

        Good luck!

        Comment


        • #5
          "If you keep telling yourself that you are jealous, that will BE reality. Choose words carefully, how you phrase these things to yourself."

          I understand that. And that is exactly what I am trying to do - tell myself I am not jealous, and why I shouldn't be jealous. I know it is one-sided, because I have fun meeting other guys - I enjoy male attention, enjoy the compliments, enjoy being desired. My sex drive is strong, more like man's, actually, just I would be ok channeling it to one man. So if I enjoy it and it does not make me love him less or want him less, then why should he not be able to experience the same. I think the fact that men have to put soooo much more effort into getting sex than women do makes me jealous - he has to actually act like dating material at least for a 1-2 times to get laid. Whereas I go on POF, say exactly what I want, no BS and get hundreds of hot guys I could fuck tonite. He has to work at it more. And I know how women are... They are made with claws of steel. I can't stand the idea of some woman thinking she has got him. See my problem?

          So I analyze and analyze and tell myself stuff that is all true and sensible... And how it will click and stay.

          If you have a minute ever, maybe you can suggest some other way I could phrase things to myself?

          And yes, I first was thinking I would do it for him as a sacrifice, but he wouldn't go for it. He said he has to have me enjoy something about it...

          Comment


          • #6
            I've been doing the open thing with my 5.5 year girlfriend for a couple of months now. In fact, apart from the 12 years of marriage part, your post could easily have been written by her. Anyway, one thing I think is important, and something my girl has trouble understanding, is that SEX is SEX. Its nothing more than masturbation with another person present. Its of no more threat to our relationship than when I watch porn. When i go fuck a girl that has bigger tits and a tighter pussy than my girlfriend, sure it feels good, but does it make me want my girlfriend any less? No. Quite the opposite in fact. The more women I fuck the BETTER it is for me when I do have sex with my girlfriend. It makes her seem new, and I can enjoy her without getting desensitized to her.
            The chance of me developing feelings for one of my other girls is next to none, I'd say because I'm just not open to it. My emotional needs are met, and even when the girls have feelings for me, its a one way street.

            Hope thats of some help for you. The OLTR guys (zyla?) will probably have better advice for you. It sounds like what you have with your guy is pretty solid, and if you really are happy together I see no reason for him to want to 'upgrade' any time soon.

            Comment


            • #7
              It sounds like everything is going great, which is fantastic. What you might not realise is that most people struggle to get a happy marriage as far in as you have, so don't beat yourself up too much because you're doing really well.

              Unfortunately, contrary to society's great lie, sexual desire and romantic love are completely unrelated (even governed by two different parts of the brain), meaning your husband's love for you, and his lust for you are two separate things. That you still have both is really good! Sexual variety is also a natural desire of most humans - as you say yourself, it feels good when you get male attention, even if you have no intention of pursuing it further.

              At the moment, it sounds a lot like you're trying to restrict the thoughts and feelings of jealousy, but this is only really a repression, and repressed feelings invariably come back to bite us. Instead of trying to suppress jealousy, start trying to reverse it. Poly-types call it "compersion" which is basically a positive reaction to a partner's other romantic or sexual relationships.

              A little exercise to get your head around it is this. Picture your best friend who isn't your husband. Imagine that they found a new partner who they really like and to whom they were really attracted - you'd be happy for them, right? You know that it's not going to affect how your best friend feels about you, if anything, them being happier will have a positive benefit to your interaction. The leap is then to feel that same sense of happiness for your husband if he finds a new partner. Since you already know him having a new partner won't ruin your relationship logically, try and feel happy FOR HIM if he finds someone. After all, you want him to be happy right? I don't mean that you should do something you're uncomfortable with, nor that his happiness should come at the cost of your happiness, but instead of trying to force out the negative, feel the positive.

              You're probably familiar with the term NRE (New Relationship Energy). A lesser known term is ORE (Old Relationship Energy) - this is the feeling of comfort and security you develop with someone you've known a long time. Humans have a desire for both NRE and ORE - but the infusion of both ends up having a net positive effect. If your husband finds someone he's attracted to, he'll have NRE and this will spillover into your relationship and, far from pushing him away, will more likely bring him closer to you.

              At the end of the day, your husband has also shown you a tremendous amount of respect. Imagine how hard it would be to bring something like this up in a respectful manner compared to how easy it would have been to go out and cheat on you. He's been honest with you when so many others would've taken the dishonest route - especially considering that he doesn't want you to sacrifice to do it. To me that is so important and it goes a long way towards convincing me that he's not looking to trade you in. He's got enough self-awareness to understand his own natural desires and he's trying to do that in a way that protects both of you as best you can. A lot of what you're feeling is nothing more than a fear of change. That's also a natural feeling. But from the way you've described this scenario, it's clear to me that your husband is still very much in love with you and has a lot of respect for you and your feelings. This is good. Keep communicating with each other and let him know if there are ways he can make this easier for you - I'm sure he will do what he can.

              That's about all the general advice I can give you really - please feel free to keep us updated as this proceeds and we can hopefully help and advise as you run into specific issues. Best of luck if you do try to open up your marriage - many of the girls I've ended up in open relationships with have said that they greatly prefer the freedom they feel, even if they never really act on it.

              Comment


              • #8
                Kller. Thank you so much. Just hearing you say all this helps me. It is one thing when my husband tries to reassure me of something he has not really tried yet, and it is another when a man that has been through it says it.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Zylya, Thank you so much. This was incredibly helpful. I am trying so hard to just feel happy for him. I really am. I understand the concept. I think somewhere inside I am scared of the NRE being preferred over ORE. Does that make sense? I mean, if variety is that big of a deal, how could I ever compete? Yes, he definitely loves me very much, and respects me, and wants my happiness. Which is why I am even trying to work this out...Because I want the same for him.

                  I am scared of change, you are right. But only if change will be for the worse. If it is for the better, I will be fine, I hope. Everything I do in life I try to be flexible with, it is just my outlook. I know I have to change along with the situation. It is just hard.

                  I wonder what it will be like once he actually goes on a date ans has sex with someone. I am scared of how I will feel. I am trying very hard to be positive.

                  Thank you so much.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I have a question for both of you guys:
                    How often do you go and have sex on the side? Every day, week, month? I am also afraid of it taking over our lives... But husband himself suggested that after we get our 3 OM sexes in each, we try once a month -- he himself doesn't want to invest that much effort. Another question, if it is only once a month, say, is it possible for your GF/wife to feel "new" to you with just that little outside sex?
                    Thank you. I really appreciate it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by openwife View Post
                      Thanks for replying. We have considered swinging, but neither of us is too much into that. I think I would just die if I saw him touch another woman. I know, pretty bad.

                      He is very confident, has charisma, is very attractive and intelligent. So yes, socially he is good.
                      Most women and specially men, get turn on, though they assume "they will just die", trust me i even took a latin psycho/jealous girl, and no problems(i was a macho latino/territorial as well the first time i went), and again no problems... The other couples will make you feel at ease as well, and there are some in the same exact situation... After you 2 will be more exited and horny for each other... I really really recommend this for your situation cause is more of something that you are doing together(instead of both of you separate ways)... Also in the same venue if it bothers you, you can go into separate rooms. Remember a high class one vs. trailer trash one. http://www.pua-zone.com/showthread.p...wing-club-game
                      Sexting, my unique natural game, aggressive dance floor seductions, 15-20 minutes hook ups in clubs. Learn the proper way to maximize your results in a club type environment, check out my blog and youtube clubbing channel:

                      www.dancefloorseduction.com









                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Personally, I would feel better in a swinger situation if I were you too. You may think it would make you more jealous but it feels a lot better being right THERE and knowing your man is not developing some sort of emotional attachment or having to worry about what is going on while you are at home and he is out. The not knowing can be so much more stressful. Other women are generally on better behavior when you are nearby too, and not acting scandalous.
                        Check out my blog!
                        http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Thanks guys.
                          I will think about it.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by openwife View Post
                            Hi everyone.
                            My first time posting here.. A year ago I would have never guessed that this is where I would end up. Life is unpredictable..
                            We have been married for 12 years, married very young (18 and 22) and recently my DH has brought up that he lacks variety and would love to just have some fun on the side. We are very much n love, sex is great and is very frequent - every night, pretty much.
                            I have some experience with open relationships... I have a 2.5 year domestic... That is she lives in my house... Open long term relationship. What I have never done is try to change a monogamous relationship into an open one, there are probably special pitfalls to dong that, that are outside my experience. The reason I chose the OLTR lifestyle after getting divorced from a long and no so wonderful marriage, is that like many men although I love family and domesticity, a strong part of the thrill of sex for me is the seduction it's self. Getting a woman to the place where she wants to express her sexuality with me is one of life's pleasures, and I wanted a lifestyle where I could have both. (There is a very detailed and nerdy post here about how different kinds of men balance there desire for domesticity, conquest, abundant sex, and variety.)

                            I am very impressed that you have a 10 year marriage where the sexual attraction remained so high, this is hard for many people to achieve. You should be proud of this and also happy that you husband is honest and committed enough to honestly express his desire and not just sneak off an get what he wants, which is very common. When people have a long term monogamy that starts when they are very young, they often come into it with out a lot of prior sexual experience, this can create doubt in a relationship, by creating the thought, " I love my spouse but I was so inexperienced when we got together, I don't really know what I am missing." Opening your selves to some sexual adventures at a stable mature stage of life can be very liberating... Not to mention fun.

                            The thing about having a sexual adventure inside of a relationship is that the adventure should be mutual. When you say the below I makes me worry a little for you:

                            And I am an extremely possessive woman, attractive, with big sex drive and jealous... It has been very very hard for me to do this for him, but I have agreed to try it.... sic....I can go fuck other guys too. Which I did not have a desire to do, because I am also very loyal. So really, I am trying it for his sake. HOW can I come out of it sane? Not freak out? I love him so much that I am going against my own self here.
                            For me the first rule of non-vanilla sex is... Nobody should ever do something they don't want to do... Be careful with your self... I am not sure this is the dynamic though; I read a gently service oriented submissive sexuality as a subtext in your posts. I might be off base, but is it possible that you are partly aroused buy doing somthing sexual with another man because you are doing it to please your husband with whom you are very good and most devoted? If this is the case then doing these things, is part of a larger and not unhealthy dynamic... And one I might suggest you and your husband might explore more fully and explicitly.

                            It is not hard for me to go have sex with another guy, because I think of husband anyway, and how I enjoy sex with him more, but I worry a lot that for him it may be different... He is still in the process of finding a lay (you know how it is so much easier for us girls to get laid, and tougher for the men). I am worried he will compare, or like someone more...
                            This should not be a major worry for you... Hot stranger sex or even fuck buddy sex is not the same as companionable OLTR sex. Both are great, only a fool would give up one so as to have the other. I would be more concerned with the developing dynamic where you are getting sex on the side and he is not. As hard as this is for you to imagine right now, over time this could erode your view of him, and his attractiveness, and damage the relationship. It would not be a healthy dynamic if he got over motivated to keep up with your conquests and became needy in his interactions with the woman he is pursuing, they will not be attracted to that energy. It is a vicious cycle.

                            Here are my rules for healthy advanced sex...
                            (... and to answer your question about frequency... I have sex outside of my LTR about 8 times a month... She has 3-6 week whirlwind affairs about twice a year while on location for work...)

                            1. Never do somthing you don't want to do... Ever... It is fine to do somthing that scares you but deep down you really do want to do.
                            2. Talk about it... Don't let secrets or silences develop.
                            3. Safe sex always every time... always... Get tested twice a year too. I do it the week we change the clocks for daylight savings... It's easy to put off.
                            4. No "other people sex" in the shared house... I actually keep 2 residences for this purpose and spend part of the week in one and part of the week in the other.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by The Thin Man View Post

                              The thing about having a sexual adventure inside of a relationship is that the adventure should be mutual. When you say the below I makes me worry a little for you:



                              For me the first rule of non-vanilla sex is... Nobody should ever do something they don't want to do... Be careful with your self... I am not sure this is the dynamic though; I read a gently service oriented submissive sexuality as a subtext in your posts. I might be off base, but is it possible that you are partly aroused buy doing somthing sexual with another man because you are doing it to please your husband with whom you are very good and most devoted? If this is the case then doing these things, is part of a larger and not unhealthy dynamic... And one I might suggest you and your husband might explore more fully and explicitly.

                              This should not be a major worry for you... Hot stranger sex or even fuck buddy sex is not the same as companionable OLTR sex. Both are great, only a fool would give up one so as to have the other. I would be more concerned with the developing dynamic where you are getting sex on the side and he is not. As hard as this is for you to imagine right now, over time this could erode your view of him, and his attractiveness, and damage the relationship. It would not be a healthy dynamic if he got over motivated to keep up with your conquests and became needy in his interactions with the woman he is pursuing, they will not be attracted to that energy. It is a vicious cycle.

                              Here are my rules for healthy advanced sex...
                              (... and to answer your question about frequency... I have sex outside of my LTR about 8 times a month... She has 3-6 week whirlwind affairs about twice a year while on location for work...)

                              1. Never do somthing you don't want to do... Ever... It is fine to do somthing that scares you but deep down you really do want to do.
                              2. Talk about it... Don't let secrets or silences develop.
                              3. Safe sex always every time... always... Get tested twice a year too. I do it the week we change the clocks for daylight savings... It's easy to put off.
                              4. No "other people sex" in the shared house... I actually keep 2 residences for this purpose and spend part of the week in one and part of the week in the other.
                              You are right. There is some of that gently service oriented submissive sexuality. It does have an effect on me. I know he thinks it is hot that I have a drive to match any man's, and I do belong to him, but at the same time I do find other men attractive and actually do enjoy doing various things to them. He finds my drive a turn-on, and that turns me on.

                              "As hard as this is for you to imagine right now, over time this could erode your view of him, and his attractiveness, and damage the relationship."

                              You know, he brought this exact point up recently, and asked me to slow down, because he is really concerned I will start thinking less of him subconsciously. I listened to him and cooled it off.

                              Your rules make sense. I think I am operating on fear of the unknown.

                              Thank you so much for taking the time to answer.

                              Comment

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