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Why would he disappear on me?

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  • I nexted my last OLTR after she gave me drama and withdrew sex (first and last time). I must admit that I liked her a lot. I left and did not contact her since.She contacted me herself after a week with some meaningless "how are you" bs and this ofcourse did not materialized in a meeting. She contacted me recently again (similar "how are you"crap and complains about her life) I did not come back to her at all.

    I wont be surprised if she has been telling her girlfriends that I "simply disappeared"or something among these lines.

    I will repeat again-I really liked her. But IMO relationships with women are one way and there is never a way back for a man.If she will contact me and express a desire to meet (with initiative coming from her) I will accept it. But not otherwise. Of course, even if she wants it-being a coy and manipulative woman she won't do this, so I have buried this lead.

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    • Originally posted by SteelyDan View Post
      I can't speak for other posters, but I can definitely see the reason for why the post what they post. They are taking a "what you see is what you get" approach to your relationship. They are using their common sense to filter out what may or may not be true and focusing on what is right in front of their eyes. I won't go so far as to say that the guys here care more about your feelings than your man, but....well.....nevermind, I'll go ahead and say it. I think the guys here are trying their best to get you out of what is clearly a painful situation for you, and your man is just toying with your emotions. Why? Who cares? Sometimes things happen without a clear reason. You can't just sit around distracting yourself with meaningless details, you need to see it for what it is and act in your best interest.

      It sounds like you believe that absence of proof to the contrary is proof positive. That's not how it works. The proof will come when you free yourself, and then you'll think, "man, what was I thinking?"

      Again, I think that your use of this board and your blog are just tools of distraction. I think perhaps you fear allowing your mind the time to rest and think clearly about what's going on. Maybe you're afraid of what conclusions you will draw. There is really nothing to be afraid of though.

      Or maybe just stay the course. What do I know? Some people love to be unhappy. Who am I to get in the way of that?
      I'm not unhappy. I was confused about his disappearance but I'm fine now. I'm okay with the outcome, whether he decides to stick around or not. Sure, it would be hard to lose him, because he is special to me, and I would grieve for awhile, but I can handle it. I'm not about forcing anyone to stay in my life who doesn't want to be there, which is why I left him alone when he didn't contact me and waited to see what he would do.

      He DID call me and talk to me, but I think he's still in that deciding about something stage. I still have that date in my head and if things aren't different by then and I'm only getting sporadic calls or whatever, I will figure it is over.

      I do not believe he is "toying" with my emotions in a deliberate way. HIS emotions are all over the place. HE is an emotional man. That is something I love about him, but with it comes some challenges.

      It's just like when he wanted to stop having sex with me because he said he was getting too emotionally attached. Many men on here thought that was bullshit, but I know it was not. He was still having me over to his house a few times a week and we weren't sleeping together. It lasted about a month and I received "advice" that was nasty as usual, people telling me he wasn't into me. The more time I spend with him, the more I see how well his words match his actions and that I can trust him.

      What bothers me, is that many of the people who are giving advice, are clearly not reading what I am saying about him, or not believing my words and adding in their own stories. Where is all this indication that he isn't into me? There ISN'T any! He's been solidly into me for quite some time!

      His disappearing, I believe, has more to do with being afraid of how into me he has become. It would make a lot of sense, especially considering how he acted when he thought the SEX was making him too attached. Now he knows its not the sex, so maybe he thinks not talking to me will make it go away.
      Check out my blog!
      http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/

      Comment


      • Originally posted by Suave View Post
        I nexted my last OLTR after she gave me drama and withdrew sex (first and last time). I must admit that I liked her a lot. I left and did not contact her since.She contacted me herself after a week with some meaningless "how are you" bs and this ofcourse did not materialized in a meeting. She contacted me recently again (similar "how are you"crap and complains about her life) I did not come back to her at all.

        I wont be surprised if she has been telling her girlfriends that I "simply disappeared"or something among these lines.

        I will repeat again-I really liked her. But IMO relationships with women are one way and there is never a way back for a man.If she will contact me and express a desire to meet (with initiative coming from her) I will accept it. But not otherwise. Of course, even if she wants it-being a coy and manipulative woman she won't do this, so I have buried this lead.

        She probably does think you disappeared. Thats what happens when you pull a passive aggressive "next" without an explanation. You are calling her coy and manipulative but you are doing the same thing. If you would meet with her at HER initiative then it is just a tug of war, power struggle. You haven't made a clean break and really ended things.

        What do you mean relationships with women are one way and there is never a way back for a man? That once you leave, you won't come back (unless she asks you to)?
        Check out my blog!
        http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Skills360 View Post
          *I have never ever, gone mia for 11 days (and counting) with a girl that was oltr, girlfriend, high end mltr, wife, fiancee etc... And i am probably the biggest scumbag in this forum.
          Yes Mr. Big was being a jackass... 3 days of Jackass is just sort of standard jackass... almost 2 weeks of jackass is a significant amout of jackass. Flag for unesicary roughness.

          .... I gave you my own sample with one of my past girls i loved her back then more than my main now, but she was never a main, for me she was a girl on the side with me till i found something better.(talk to her everyday, we told each other that we loved each other for about 3 years, but i never saw a "future with her"). still never banished on her for 11 days.
          Look at you being all human and relatable... being all honest with LG about how you felt and did not feel... The above is what conflicted emotions look like LG. He loved the girl, but in the end could not see how to make a life with her (also known as a future...) This could have been unavoidable and baked in the cake, or it could have been a lack of creativity. I'd be curious what the deal breaker was.

          Originally posted by Lovergirl View Post
          Its not "and counting". Did you miss the post where he called me yesterday and said he was surprised I didn't call him? I think he has a lot going on in his head and with his emotions about me right now. Just because you have never done it doesnt mean he doesn't give a fuck about me. I know he does. I believe he is conflicted.
          I think you are onto it above, but the thing is you get to set some boundries too. He is alowed to have tangled feelings, who does not at times... It is reasonable for him to need space to work them out... But if he were my boyfriend I would be uncool with him tortureing me over them through intentionaly cutting off comunication with out even a brief explination. "We have had a lot of drama lately and I am going to take some time on my own to sort out my feelings about our relationship," would have suficed nicely.

          He called me yesterday and said he was surprised I didn't call him?
          This above is not such a good sign. When sombody does somting wrong and then blames you for it, or acuses you of being crazy for noticing, and if he is distoring reality (2 or 3 months?) or whitholding information to keep you defensive or confused... It is a form of emotional abuse called Gas Lighting. (Link) If it is just the one time dont worry about it, but if there is a pattern of this... It is a red flag.

          People with sumisive sexualitys are particularly vulnerable to gas lighting.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by The Thin Man View Post
            Yes Mr. Big was being a jackass... 3 days of Jackass is just sort of standard jackass... almost 2 weeks of jackass is a significant amout of jackass. Flag for unesicary roughness.
            I'm not sure I can fairly call him a "jackass" because I didn't call or text him either. I just left him alone completely. He was the one that sent the last text and it was a sweet one. I didn't respond, but it was after I had already thanked him for a nice day together.
            Look at you being all human and relatable... being all honest with LG about how you felt and did not feel... The above is what conflicted emotions look like LG. He loved the girl, but in the end could not see how to make a life with her (also known as a future...) This could have been unavoidable and baked in the cake, or it could have been a lack of creativity. I'd be curious what the deal breaker was.
            I'm pretty sure he said before it was her 3 kids.

            I think you are onto it above, but the thing is you get to set some boundries too. He is alowed to have tangled feelings, who does not at times... It is reasonable for him to need space to work them out... But if he were my boyfriend I would be uncool with him tortureing me over them through intentionaly cutting off comunication with out even a brief explination. "We have had a lot of drama lately and I am going to take some time on my own to sort out my feelings about our relationship," would have suficed nicely.
            We weren't having any drama whatsoever at the time. We did a couple weeks back. I don't know that he knows I was being "tortured" lol. I haven't given him any indication of that. Like I said, I didn't call or text him and when he got ahold of me again I was happy to hear from him and there was no drama. I teased him a little and said I was glad he was still alive. He said he was glad I was alive too and wasn't trapped under some other guy's bed.

            He's not my "boyfriend" though he often acts like it, so the rules are a little more lenient. I also know how he gets in his head sometimes and REALLY overthinks stuff. Its doubtful it was any kind of intentional hurting me and if I had contacted him I'm sure he would have responded. I just made the choice not to and to let him come to me on his own when he was ready.

            This above is not such a good sign. When sombody does somting wrong and then blames you for it, or acuses you of being crazy for noticing, and if he is distoring reality (2 or 3 months?) or whitholding information to keep you defensive or confused... It is a form of emotional abuse called Gas Lighting. (Link) If it is just the one time dont worry about it, but if there is a pattern of this... It is a red flag.

            People with sumisive sexualitys are particularly vulnerable to gas lighting.
            He was saying all that in a joking manner. Well, he may have been serious about the being surprised I didn't call him. He probably was surprised that he went 11 days no contact and I didn't even check up to see what was going on. I'm not sure that I can say he actually did anything wrong, you know? I don't know that he was trying to gaslight me. He was just pretending not to know how long it had been, in a joking way.
            Check out my blog!
            http://lifeofalovergirl.wordpress.com/

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Lovergirl View Post
              She probably does think you disappeared. Thats what happens when you pull a passive aggressive "next" without an explanation. You are calling her coy and manipulative but you are doing the same thing. If you would meet with her at HER initiative then it is just a tug of war, power struggle. You haven't made a clean break and really ended things.

              What do you mean relationships with women are one way and there is never a way back for a man? That once you leave, you won't come back (unless she asks you to)?
              Yes.If she comes back I will accept her (although never as a monogamous LTR) but I wont be searching her company, it will destroy the balance of relationships. I simply can't think of a way of restoring a relationships once a woman is nexted. Soft nexts also never worked for me because women just increase the level of shittesting (as happened with this girl too).

              I also dont think she is so stupid not to realize why I "disappeared".She knows very well what caused it.What I am curious about though is why she contacted me almost 2 months after the last time I saw her. But who cares really, it's not relevant for me anymore.

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