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hilarious guide to Female "pua"

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  • #31
    hmm... so i missed his messages and now it is cancelled for tonight.. which probably is better :')

    He tried smth like getting me to cyber but i just kind of avoided the attempt... idk i didn't feel like it.... think he was disappointed i wasn't into it but well who knows...
    hmm maybe i will be sexfree for the coming month? Hmmm would be interesting.

    Comment


    • #32
      Originally posted by Kit View Post
      hmm... so i missed his messages and now it is cancelled for tonight.. which probably is better :')

      He tried smth like getting me to cyber but i just kind of avoided the attempt... idk i didn't feel like it.... think he was disappointed i wasn't into it but well who knows...
      hmm maybe i will be sexfree for the coming month? Hmmm would be interesting.
      Sounds like you put too much pressure on yourself to act or not. Thats from bad positioning.

      Also sounds like you are misled regarding how to be sex positive. Sex in itself isn't anything but a vessel for chemistry. You should say yes more to bettter chemistry, no more to worse chemistry, not pretend that chemistry might just show up on the spot, and think "ok, I'll try sex out". If you try out stuff without a feeling on it before hand you are going to have a lot of disappointments.

      To position better you need to kind of start with an outer layer
      The outer layer consists of:
      - Keeping guys in their own position (not letting them mutate away from their natural baseline)
      - Trimming off guys getting jaded
      - Holding up an example and doing so without your own jaded frustrations (being careful for confirmation bias)
      - Helping them be frank (but never like what silver did where a guy breaks the unspoken rule), focused (not thinking the wrong efas), familiarity (not freaked out in their behaviours), friendly (authentically not out of snideness)

      This is cuz, as guys we tend to "collapse", and when we do it destroys our natural strengths and positives.
      You need to keep collapsed guys both OUT and help guys who haven't collapsed stay in the right lines (the ffff stuff)

      Then you use an inner layer
      consisting of:
      - chemistry tests
      - contextual analysis
      - non desperation sexually *sassiness*
      - constant communication on commitment levels (so that ego is always kept in check)
      - develop mutual understanding of the right chemistry (and you shouldn't just see it as a singular sexual goal, but also about, stability, how well you click, and how much respect grows from the truth of the relationship)

      Right now, you pull off neither, and are like a boat riddled with holes worrying about shit that is beyond you right now, and PRETENDING you have it sorted
      You need to cut that pretense a bit (or a lot actually, but I don't want to imply you must feel shitty, you just must take shittiness on knowingly so it doesn't stab you in the back)



      You have to be ok with RESISTENCE
      Not be like most girls get where they throw resistence out the window when enough pressure is applied
      If anything you need to apply MORE RESISTENCE, so a guy doesn't start indulging in an egotistical interpretation of who you are
      And especially if you are having sex, the guy will very likely start thinking you are "unrepresentative of life", and treat you more disposable unless you do

      But also, you need to be aware of your good traits
      - innocence
      - sexual coordination (which is great at teasing a guy mentally, so long as its used in a way that is NOT like a theme park ride *you just use enough to feel confident*)
      - open mindedness
      - ability to organise/slow down a process/rethink on the fly

      You need to then respect those traits first not expect guys to bring that automatically (we won't we are shit at it), or guys will FUCKING IGNORE IT (no joke, cuz we can be shitty narcissists)


      If you POSITION better, sex that "rolls out of events" and results that are neitherr here nor there, FEEL BETTER



      Don't do your shitty "skip it" thing on this post btw, or I'll be mad
      I spent effort on this (do you have any idea how impossible it is for a man to create structural advice that is actually correct for females, its fucking hard, and rare, so appreciate it :P)
      Sheesh...
      You are so... "Enamored" by yourself, its kinda fucked up that you then sacrifice your actual safety and well being, to maintain that illusion.
      Gah!!!

      Its so spaz. I don't think I've ever seen a girl be more spaz on the issue :P
      So for fucks sake, please address it



      Great positioning makes the binary choice of sex or no sex, FADE AWAY
      Do not break borders
      Maintain them in the right ways
      So that the RIGHT STUFF comes through

      And always try to avoid FREAKING OUT at your sexual situation and being a gambler about it (don't chase your losses, its just like the gamblers fallacy, they think they can win it back if they chase after bigger prizes)
      No girl. No. Stop that shit. Or at least massively slow it down.

      Create the right resistence
      Maintain it correctly so the best stuff flows/fades through
      Help what comes through be better

      That is the female role, ok? You need to master that before you can get all antsy about guys lacking shit (of course they do, but it doesn't help if you are stupid about it, so come on)

      Comment


      • #33
        i am going to read and think and comment about what you said when i get home...

        right now i just feel... freaked out...
        sat like 2h next to 0A and before 4h behind 0A and... I just want to scream, break something, let out the fear, frustration, all other emotions that i feel right now... it's too much. i can't do this, for real... how can i actually act.... normal........ i just want to relax.... i cant relax like this, and i want it to go away, the thinking about him the totally freaking out part, and i don't believe it will go away and i don't know whether he feels the same about me... because he is freaking harder to read than any other guy i have met ( or i didnt care enough about them to think it over) and i know i cant do anything with him and it freaks me out even more and i just..... can't do this. HELP i don't know how to deal with this ffs. i don't know how to... do anything and get myself sane.. cause i feel insane right now. Fuck this.............

        Comment


        • #34
          Reading through it right now, only makes sense to answer with the example of 0A right now cause that is fresh in my mind

          Originally posted by thecostofsuccess View Post
          Sounds like you put too much pressure on yourself to act or not. Thats from bad positioning.

          Also sounds like you are misled regarding how to be sex positive. Sex in itself isn't anything but a vessel for chemistry. You should say yes more to bettter chemistry, no more to worse chemistry, not pretend that chemistry might just show up on the spot, and think "ok, I'll try sex out". If you try out stuff without a feeling on it before hand you are going to have a lot of disappointments.

          To position better you need to kind of start with an outer layer
          The outer layer consists of:
          - Keeping guys in their own position (not letting them mutate away from their natural baseline)
          failed at this today at 0A, felt like hitting myself (figuratively speaking) when i said smth while not listening to what he said

          - Trimming off guys getting jaded
          - Holding up an example and doing so without your own jaded frustrations (being careful for confirmation bias)
          - Helping them be frank (but never like what silver did where a guy breaks the unspoken rule), focused (not thinking the wrong efas),
          Broke the whole efa thing... if there was any....... i just... felt so frustrated/out of control i couldn't set an efa with him.........
          familiarity (not freaked out in their behaviours),
          What part was it again about not being freaked out in their behaviours? Is one of them going totally like "i feel superinsecure" bodylanguage wise?
          friendly (authentically not out of snideness)
          ok well that's something that should be possible

          This is cuz, as guys we tend to "collapse", and when we do it destroys our natural strengths and positives.
          You need to keep collapsed guys both OUT and help guys who haven't collapsed stay in the right lines (the ffff stuff)
          interesting.... what do you mean with collapsed? non-calibrated or smth like that?

          Then you use an inner layer
          consisting of:
          - chemistry tests
          Don't know how to do chemistry tests... the only real chemistry test that ever worked was making out with guys... (or actually it was the fact that it was impossible not to make out, without both of us realising what made both of us "click" into making out (no not like those situations we create, or those "comfort"=> "making out" )

          - contextual analysis
          explain? I don't get what you mean with this one

          - non desperation sexually *sassiness*
          not an issue, except the whole, "freaking out part" it should be fine...?

          - constant communication on commitment levels (so that ego is always kept in check)
          dont get how ego in check and communication on commitment levels mix?
          anyway i usually fail at this one....

          - develop mutual understanding of the right chemistry (and you shouldn't just see it as a singular sexual goal, but also about, stability, how well you click, and how much respect grows from the truth of the relationship)
          this goes automatically right? Except when you drink too much and/or consciously work against it (which i did the last time but never again, except that right now a guy is coming over and i subconsciously am doing the same thing as last time?)


          Right now, you pull off neither, and are like a boat riddled with holes worrying about shit that is beyond you right now, and PRETENDING you have it sorted
          I think with the last post.. thinking that pretending i have it sorted works.. is a bit optimistic on my part
          You need to cut that pretense a bit (or a lot actually, but I don't want to imply you must feel shitty, you just must take shittiness on knowingly so it doesn't stab you in the back)
          i guess.....

          You have to be ok with RESISTENCE
          uhm, i kind of freaked out today when 0A walked away when i joined somewhere...... dont know whether anyone noticed it though... although i think 0A did.... (i mean if he didn't i am not sure what to think anymore)
          ugh issues.

          Not be like most girls get where they throw resistence out the window when enough pressure is applied
          how closer someone gets to me.. how harder... think that's a horrible thing, but perhaps you would be like "great"

          If anything you need to apply MORE RESISTENCE, so a guy doesn't start indulging in an egotistical interpretation of who you are
          uhm..... this is the last thing that applies to me, but yeah get what you mean.. wish guys did this thing too btw.

          And especially if you are having sex, the guy will very likely start thinking you are "unrepresentative of life", and treat you more disposable unless you do
          what is unrepresentative of life?

          But also, you need to be aware of your good traits
          - innocence
          - sexual coordination (which is great at teasing a guy mentally, so long as its used in a way that is NOT like a theme park ride *you just use enough to feel confident*)
          - open mindedness
          - ability to organise/slow down a process/rethink on the fly
          i am not so sure of that last point anymore after today.. or actually... am not sure of any of those right now........

          i just made myself meet up with the whole exguy so i can relax tonight... ( the one that got cancelled yesterday......) i dont care whether it is morally just or not, whether it will fuck my relationship with 0A up more... i feel pretty insane right now when i think of him, so something easy is superwelcome at this point... just want to watch a movie, cuddle some, have some friendly chat.. whether there is sex or not or more or not is to be seen.

          You need to then respect those traits first not expect guys to bring that automatically (we won't we are shit at it), or guys will FUCKING IGNORE IT (no joke, cuz we can be shitty narcissists)
          i don't know... I lie too much. Told a guy today that i am not that good and fucking egoistical... which is true but still felt unreal / fake to me.

          ---EDIT: the guy is here i think, so need to continue reading tomorrow morning


          If you POSITION better, sex that "rolls out of events" and results that are neitherr here nor there, FEEL BETTER



          Don't do your shitty "skip it" thing on this post btw, or I'll be mad
          I spent effort on this (do you have any idea how impossible it is for a man to create structural advice that is actually correct for females, its fucking hard, and rare, so appreciate it :P)
          Sheesh...
          You are so... "Enamored" by yourself, its kinda fucked up that you then sacrifice your actual safety and well being, to maintain that illusion.
          Gah!!!

          Its so spaz. I don't think I've ever seen a girl be more spaz on the issue :P
          So for fucks sake, please address it



          Great positioning makes the binary choice of sex or no sex, FADE AWAY
          Do not break borders
          Maintain them in the right ways
          So that the RIGHT STUFF comes through

          And always try to avoid FREAKING OUT at your sexual situation and being a gambler about it (don't chase your losses, its just like the gamblers fallacy, they think they can win it back if they chase after bigger prizes)
          No girl. No. Stop that shit. Or at least massively slow it down.

          Create the right resistence
          Maintain it correctly so the best stuff flows/fades through
          Help what comes through be better

          That is the female role, ok? You need to master that before you can get all antsy about guys lacking shit (of course they do, but it doesn't help if you are stupid about it, so come on)

          Comment


          • #35
            Where is your intelligence?
            What, it just went absent?

            Comment


            • #36
              Originally posted by thecostofsuccess View Post
              Where is your intelligence?
              What, it just went absent?
              ugh i dont know,
              for answering ur post with that 0A guy: i think it went absent.
              Think it's more... ugh illustrating than whatever else about how fucked up i feel as soon as "engaged" (to not call it sexually frustrated LOL)

              for last night I just went with the.. "he wants to watch a movie, i want to watch a movie", if we do more i feel like it, otherwise i will just tell him i don't think it will work/it doesn't work for me.

              fyi: it went ok with that guy, but it confirmed the chemistry mismatch thing. Told him friends with benefits would most likely be best. I like him, just not that way.
              did have a good time, sexually though. i was too strung up with 0A... the only way to actually soothe the itch a bit was to have sex/cuddle...which i just did... just every time i was losing my feels of attraction i thought of 0A.... ( dont know whether that makes it better LOL) don't know.. it did make the experience 10000 times better.

              you POSITION better, sex that "rolls out of events" and results that are neitherr here nor there, FEEL BETTER



              Don't do your shitty "skip it" thing on this post btw, or I'll be mad
              hope you believe i didn't LOL

              I spent effort on this (do you have any idea how impossible it is for a man to create structural advice that is actually correct for females, its fucking hard, and rare, so appreciate it :P)
              Sheesh...

              believe me when i say I do? even though at times it doesn't seem like it.....
              You are so... "Enamored" by yourself, its kinda fucked up that you then sacrifice your actual safety and well being, to maintain that illusion.
              Gah!!!

              lol, that sounds pretty fucked up yes

              Its so spaz. I don't think I've ever seen a girl be more spaz on the issue :P
              So for fucks sake, please address it

              ok

              Great positioning makes the binary choice of sex or no sex, FADE AWAY
              Do not break borders
              Maintain them in the right ways
              So that the RIGHT STUFF comes through
              I am not sure you mean actual physical positioning, although I Think you don't cause it was about inner game. but with either one of them I think you are right.

              And always try to avoid FREAKING OUT at your sexual situation and being a gambler about it (don't chase your losses, its just like the gamblers fallacy, they think they can win it back if they chase after bigger prizes)
              No girl. No. Stop that shit. Or at least massively slow it down.

              I am trying..... ugh I didn't plan on sitting behind him ( someone just told me there was place and it was cool..... BUT there was only place behind him) and then after sitting behind him for such a long time it was freaking impossible to say: i am going to keep distance... (also it makes for a difference I suppose)

              Create the right resistence

              Do you think the "right" resistance can be mixed signals? Cause that's what I can't help but do right now. not only with 0A but with every guy.
              Maintain it correctly so the best stuff flows/fades through
              Help what comes through be better
              Ok
              That is the female role, ok? You need to master that before you can get all antsy about guys lacking shit (of course they do, but it doesn't help if you are stupid about it, so come on)

              True... It must have been a chemistry mismatch though.. (with that guy last night, not with 0A) pretty sure right now. At least,... I always thought like "if you can't enjoy making out (and feel like avoiding it), the chemistry aint right"

              Oh he also said it ALWAYS happens to him... that's often.

              ____________________________

              But cosy.. the best way to understand//slowly get a grasp at your words sometimes is to just apply on one of the few examples?

              edit: just reread the whole thing... the only thing that comes up in my mind right now is..

              I wrote:
              . Told a guy today that i am not that good and fucking egoistical... which is true but still felt unreal / fake to me.
              but that aint true. no i didn't tell that guy i am egoistical blabla, i actually told him i am probably more egoistical than he is... but that was a lie. Cause i don't think i am "more" egoistical.. also not less...ugh
              I don't know why i told him that though.. dunno, figured that itwould create distance and if it didn't he would find out for himself whether it's true or not.... idk that's how i keep people away... lies lies lies

              Comment


              • #37
                Originally posted by Kit View Post

                Do you think the "right" resistance can be mixed signals? Cause that's what I can't help but do right now. not only with 0A but with every guy.
                I'd take it as a sign you are struggling, any time you "need" mixed signals, cuz guys aren't automatically built with decoding skills, so its highly likely they just take it the wrong way.
                It isn't like giving a guy more choices helps him get clear on the different layers of your feelings, it generally just confuses and threatens guys, causing them to become more extreme (retreat or push more).

                A better approach would be to create resistence that is less logical and more expressive.
                Liiiiiike
                - I'm in a flowing mood so I'm not particularly likely to invest
                - I'm in a decisive mood so you have to be careful what you do
                - I'm very low key today, so don't be so over the top or hyper

                Typically I'd imagine that your issue creating the right resistence all starts with you having unclear intentions and expecting the guy to lead them.
                But, the fact is that no matter what a guy does the effect on you is going to be a bit messy.
                So I'd imagine you would do well to categorise things, to neaten them up and put them into context, so its not all over the place.
                Then highlight the themes you like, and dim the themes you don't.

                Then, portray interest/disinterest by encorporating a certain mood or expressiveness.


                I'd set a few boxes like
                - creepy shit
                - manipulation attempts
                - over eager
                - likely to lash out later
                - not sexually aware

                And a few others like
                - fun
                - sexy
                - reserved
                - intruiiging

                And I'd sort them, shuffle them, and study how they are relating to each other..

                I'd create resistence by gestures, like getting dudes to wait
                By body language
                By tone of voice
                By how engaged I am

                Basically, when you are muddled and confused about things it leads to permissiveness
                And permissiveness leads to
                a) pressure
                b) flatfootedness
                c) sabotage (if you feel threatened by their intelligence or traits you can't compete with)
                d) a really diluted personality (for example your lying thing)

                So you need to always be in a process of clarification to some extent so that you don't have sluggish reactions


                additionally: Positioning refers to social skills not physical distance, you influence potential outcomes ahead of time by "positioning" what seems accessible and to what extent
                It is similar to framing, but more about setting initial conditions, potential perspectives and mindsets

                Comment


                • #38
                  Originally posted by thecostofsuccess View Post
                  I'd take it as a sign you are struggling, any time you "need" mixed signals, cuz guys aren't automatically built with decoding skills, so its highly likely they just take it the wrong way.
                  It isn't like giving a guy more choices helps him get clear on the different layers of your feelings, it generally just confuses and threatens guys, causing them to become more extreme (retreat or push more).

                  A better approach would be to create resistence that is less logical and more expressive.
                  Liiiiiike
                  - I'm in a flowing mood so I'm not particularly likely to invest
                  - I'm in a decisive mood so you have to be careful what you do
                  - I'm very low key today, so don't be so over the top or hyper
                  lol if that is what you mean with resistance... i don't think i ever act without resistance... LOL

                  the first is (social) butterfly/(fake)happy (drunk) mode? or more like "bubbly"-mode?
                  second one what i am like often when i enter a place LOL
                  3rd one sounds like resting face.... idk, sometimes when you "dont feel like it" it goes there right?

                  Think a 4th (and more) can be added lol
                  - i feel like doing something crazy, don't dare to disable me/be boring
                  - you are so hilarious to me, you don't want to lose the line between funny and being idiotic
                  - i feel like being serious, don't fuck it up by making fun of stuff or by not going along in this discussion
                  - i feel like being philosophical, let's fly, if you don't fly/ can't let go... you can't keep up

                  idk.... it's different than what you said in the sense that yours are focused on some basics..., more common patterns, i guess?

                  Typically I'd imagine that your issue creating the right resistence all starts with you having unclear intentions and expecting the guy to lead them.
                  But, the fact is that no matter what a guy does the effect on you is going to be a bit messy.
                  idk, you thought the guys i am with.. that i see them as too solid? too much to depend on?

                  But maybe, idk, i think i expect the guy to show interest and lead it towards something in some way yes.. it's like a friend of mine said.. one makes a move, another one makes a move... hence and forth...
                  just our moves that are more... covered up, it's not like 1 for 1 for 1, but more like random?

                  (2 small ones from him 3 small ones from me 4 small ones from him, 2 small ones from me, 3 small ones from him, 4 small ones from me... 1 small one of him, 0 small ones from me, 3 small ones from him, 1 small one from me, 1 small one from me, 2 small ones from him, 1 small one from him etc. this is just a random amount of hence and forth, but i think it kind of follows illustrates how my interactions with guy go.... ) idk... it's too hard to actually keep track.. and the pattern makes it hard to actually know the intentions of the guys or of yourself because the amount you get and give are... more random.... (if it's too patternlike i don't trust it to be "honest")

                  So I'd imagine you would do well to categorise things, to neaten them up and put them into context, so its not all over the place.
                  Then highlight the themes you like, and dim the themes you don't.
                  the issue here is that the only thing i can't stand truly is "repetition".. i know some people like it.. but i need novelty. The whole thing about going to bed with different guys gives me this one thing at least... no experience is the same and i LOVE that.... like....
                  the sexual height may be quite different, but at least the games and the foreplay is so different that it is almost astounding....

                  oh this is a good resistance thing: if a guy follows a predictable pattern: i am out. so it's like: "i need something new, you can offer something new or gtfo"... dunno whether that's what you would call resistance

                  Then, portray interest/disinterest by encorporating a certain mood or expressiveness.

                  I'd set a few boxes like
                  - creepy shit
                  - manipulation attempts
                  - over eager
                  - likely to lash out later
                  - not sexually aware

                  And a few others like
                  - fun
                  - sexy
                  - reserved
                  - intruiiging

                  And I'd sort them, shuffle them, and study how they are relating to each other..
                  actually i have been doing this (I think) ... when i went out like 24/7 almost I used to be like.. playing around with guys... gauge when they lost interest, gauge when they gained interest...

                  the thing I am trying out right now is verbalising what i can't do with my bodylanguage... lately i have been very tired..., ( and it showed in my bodylanguage) so i try to project: "mentally aware", by telling people what I think they are doing.. and suddenly their interest level spikes up. I used to show interest bodylanguage wise and try to interact with their needs. But telling them what you have seen them feeling like later on is veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery interesting lol. especially cause they are interested in you AFTERWARDS, not during the convo (I have seen guys doing this, and it was an interesting thing to see. especially cause they fail so often and they put so much *pride* in it lol. I mean...,it's more of an ego thing to some guys who do this somehow...)

                  I'd create resistence by gestures, like getting dudes to wait
                  By body language
                  By tone of voice
                  By how engaged I am
                  Of all the things i doubt my ability off, this is actually one thing I CAN do .. *yay*
                  You are totally right about this one i think. It's what helped me keep guys away until i decided to do away with *keeping distance* at age 18/19. It is also what makes it so easy to call guys to you.... you keep distance distance distance, just around the border between no and yes, and then when you feel like it, you say yes with bodylanguage, tone of voice or engagement... the change is what gets guys to understand they can make a move., but it's too easy

                  Basically, when you are muddled and confused about things it leads to permissiveness
                  And permissiveness leads to
                  a) pressure
                  b) flatfootedness
                  c) sabotage (if you feel threatened by their intelligence or traits you can't compete with)
                  d) a really diluted personality (for example your lying thing)
                  aha. had to google permissiveness. I have always been permissive actually.
                  But simply cause i want the same of others. I want them to be permissive with me. (which they usually are beyond rules or common sense thankfully.)
                  What i think is not permissive is permissive to some other people lol.
                  That's the hardest thing: when to set boundaries when you don't consider something to be boundary worthy.
                  oh wow, this reminds me so much of the boiling frog, but dunno why.

                  So you need to always be in a process of clarification to some extent so that you don't have sluggish reactions
                  aha.
                  additionally: Positioning refers to social skills not physical distance, you influence potential outcomes ahead of time by "positioning" what seems accessible and to what extent
                  It is similar to framing, but more about setting initial conditions, potential perspectives and mindsets
                  I dont think there are that many things off limits. Idk I don't like distance when interacting with people.
                  Oh I have this "condition" about acting distant: if you act distant and/or dishonest/not engaged, consciously without correcting yourself/changing, you actually fail my "initial condition",

                  idk if you aint engaged, go away/ do something with it. doesn't that make sense?

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    (facepalm)

                    Why do people try to validate themselves through advice?
                    Did you feel you needed an energy boost or something?

                    *sigh*

                    Thats a bit of a vampiric thing to do to me you know.

                    I expected you to be able to put context to it WITHOUT showing off (with abilities that are just natural girl qualities) so you have ROOM for more information/progression. It shows off nothing btw to blather, except your desperation, which we already know you have. Add something new, real, somethinng that actually helps develop the concept or helps move towards a deeper understanding.

                    Otherwise, wtf am I even doing giving you advice at all?

                    (gets disinterested)

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Originally posted by thecostofsuccess View Post
                      (facepalm)

                      Why do people try to validate themselves through advice?
                      Did you feel you needed an energy boost or something?

                      *sigh*

                      Thats a bit of a vampiric thing to do to me you know.

                      I expected you to be able to put context to it WITHOUT showing off (with abilities that are just natural girl qualities) so you have ROOM for more information/progression. It shows off nothing btw, except your desperation, which we already know you have. Add something new, real, somethinng that actually helps develop the concept or helps move towards a deeper understanding.

                      Otherwise, wtf am I even doing giving you advice at all?

                      (gets disinterested)
                      lol i didn't mean to show off or to validate myself. It was just true. And yeah maybe everyone can do it, i just didn't understand why you put the part i said I *can* do there (then).... ugh, isn't it good to know what you can and can't do? (although ofcourse this changes over time and isn't the same at each situation?)

                      When you say you get disinterested, I have the idea you want to shake me and get me to fight for your attention, because you expect me to. Just saying. maybe you truly got disinterested, but i doubt it somehow.
                      Don't wanna do that vampiric thing though. Hope you react cause you get something out of it as well. Be it whatever it is, otherwise don't react and let me sulk LOL

                      Anyway i will focus on the part you said about
                      Add something new, real, somethinng that actually helps develop the concept or helps move towards a deeper understanding.
                      -rereading-

                      I will just "add", as far as i can, to what you put down.... (don't think i can do it better than you put it down, just a fact, not egostroking.)

                      Resistance...

                      I think the point of resistance with a guy is that somehow removing the resistance makes the guy quit working hard... that's where i hit the wall. I started there and i just didn't finish writing it cause i didn't know what to write.

                      I said it's too easy. Cause i couldn't come up with another explanation for what's wrong about dropping the resistance....
                      just around the border between no and yes, and then when you feel like it, you say yes with bodylanguage, tone of voice or engagement... the change is what gets guys to understand they can make a move., but it's too easy
                      It's actually something i haven't been able to understand for ages. How to lower the resistance you put up without losing the whole momentum/game/thing you have been building up to.
                      I can keep up the resistance, even when i shouldn't but maybe I was wrong about that.
                      Maybe i should keep up the resistance?

                      Keep up the *not allowing* thing? keep them at distance with giving them a hint but letting them chase?
                      Nowadays i just let it be and then at some point am ok with dropping it, but that's what's so annoying with 0A: i can't / don't want to drop the resistance.
                      People are telling me i should, that it is better that way, that taking a step is good and that it would become a relationship... but it is what has kept me from ever engaging with the first guy I fell in love with (it was mutual)
                      It's freaking hard to sit next to someone and resist all the time... to keep the game going and going and going and then find a right moment...

                      I can't find the right moment to let go of the resistance. Because my default, my REAL default, is to keep the resistance going on for forever, until it's unbearable.
                      But usually people are gone before it gets unbearable. So there is something wrong with this whole idea.

                      I used to think that being able to drop resistance was a quality but i am not so sure of it anymore, although it helps me very easily to not be alone every night. also it keeps the frustration away...

                      So what is the mid-way? in your eyes? like.. is it okay to get to the frustration? Or not? When do you know it's time to drop the resistance?

                      Or am i wandering off again in your eyes?

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Originally posted by Kit View Post
                        lol i didn't mean to show off or to validate myself. It was just true. And yeah maybe everyone can do it, i just didn't understand why you put the part i said I *can* do there (then).... ugh, isn't it good to know what you can and can't do? (although ofcourse this changes over time and isn't the same at each situation?)

                        When you say you get disinterested, I have the idea you want to shake me and get me to fight for your attention, because you expect me to. Just saying. maybe you truly got disinterested, but i doubt it somehow.
                        Don't wanna do that vampiric thing though. Hope you react cause you get something out of it as well. Be it whatever it is, otherwise don't react and let me sulk LOL

                        Anyway i will focus on the part you said about

                        -rereading-

                        I will just "add", as far as i can, to what you put down.... (don't think i can do it better than you put it down, just a fact, not egostroking.)

                        Resistance...

                        I think the point of resistance with a guy is that somehow removing the resistance makes the guy quit working hard... that's where i hit the wall. I started there and i just didn't finish writing it cause i didn't know what to write.

                        I said it's too easy. Cause i couldn't come up with another explanation for what's wrong about dropping the resistance....
                        dropping the resistence causes a "flip" in priorities from female to male, which leads to the man's assumption he has correctly addressed everything leading to and through sex.
                        It is actually a rather exhausting reality to become aware of
                        1) His idea on how to create quality sex isn't applying actual vision and foresight (if he can't already sense it, and be strong in the face of it, in a way that is enticing to you thats lame)
                        a) If the way he is aware of sex makes him arrogant or pathetic there is a problem (which could very well lead to him being a miscreant, which will lead to him feeling ashamed and projecting it onto you *girls do this a lot to me if I don't stop them*)
                        b) If he flows through the nature of the sex naturally (the problem still exists in his potential to be inobservant...)
                        2) His entitlement and issues with women will emerge (creating more obstacles, such as his frustration, boyish traits, anger, blame *these are actually held off to some extent initially, and can be held off well with the correct approach... though who the man is will help or hinder this process*)
                        3) Any percieved attractive traits will become consolidated and new traits will be unlikely to be created (this will lead to him losing humility and acting superior which will lead to him fucking up time schedules more, or slowly losing interest and dragging thinggs out and slipping away)
                        4) He will assume his interpretation of you is accurate and use it to feed his ego (making interpretation of your actions annd their meanings cease)

                        Thusly it is dangerous you are permissive, and expect it to make them permissive in return
                        We DO NOT become permissive through permissiveness (an exhausting truth I know, but a truth none the less!!!)
                        And a BIG reason for your issues is you haven't even begun addressing this!!


                        It's actually something i haven't been able to understand for ages. How to lower the resistance you put up without losing the whole momentum/game/thing you have been building up to.
                        I can keep up the resistance, even when i shouldn't but maybe I was wrong about that.
                        Maybe i should keep up the resistance?
                        The resistence needs to be educated

                        In martial arts, if you resist in a fight the likely result is the biggest ego wins
                        You have to constantly redirect and refresh the contest, so that it becomes a contest of skill

                        Not a contest of mass and pressure

                        And to do that you educate yourself, you use charisma to do so, and you pivot off of premium information you gain
                        All the while being decent and not assumptive (cuz if you make assumptions you'll get blindsided)

                        Keep up the *not allowing* thing? keep them at distance with giving them a hint but letting them chase?
                        Nowadays i just let it be and then at some point am ok with dropping it, but that's what's so annoying with 0A: i can't / don't want to drop the resistance.
                        People are telling me i should, that it is better that way, that taking a step is good and that it would become a relationship... but it is what has kept me from ever engaging with the first guy I fell in love with (it was mutual)
                        Gross...
                        Your mental patterns around that issue are terrible.
                        It's freaking hard to sit next to someone and resist all the time... to keep the game going and going and going and then find a right moment...

                        I can't find the right moment to let go of the resistance. Because my default, my REAL default, is to keep the resistance going on for forever, until it's unbearable.
                        Yes, and what are you DOING to address your real problem?

                        Don't live in pretend shit, or you will continue to suck.
                        But usually people are gone before it gets unbearable. So there is something wrong with this whole idea.
                        Your ambivalence is what is wrong with the idea
                        You can't gget results without a serious effort
                        That is why places like this exist, to inspire men to put in the right kind of effort
                        Some of it is all twisted and after superficial bs, but it keeps the place away from stuffy bs

                        Ambivalence, in your scenario is 100% likely to lead to disatisfaction and never change unless you change
                        I used to think that being able to drop resistance was a quality but i am not so sure of it anymore
                        Its condescending and presumptuous... Also it traps people into your "firewall" of frustration, aggression, and blame.
                        , although it helps me very easily to not be alone every night.
                        Convenient to you... But also watered down and shitty, cuz you aren't REAL.

                        It is the hack way to be.
                        It is why I can't really respect any of your stories of "conquest" or "experience", because they just are not THERE YET
                        Permissiveness is a big part of the problem.
                        And permissiveness is far from harmless, it robs everyone of mutual respect, traps them into diluted circumstances, and traps them into innevitable and uneducated insults/attacks on their character. Its the same as what nice guys do to girls, flatter, be apathetic, lead into shit.

                        Going on like that will ensure you arenever going to treat anyone as an individual. Just a means to an end. Then you cry and put poetic longing on it like 0A. But its false and stupid and you are just burying the fact you are using that guy too as part of your scheme.
                        also it keeps the frustration away...

                        So what is the mid-way? in your eyes? like.. is it okay to get to the frustration? Or not? When do you know it's time to drop the resistance?
                        The mid-way?
                        Or am i wandering off again in your eyes?
                        You simply must develop a process that
                        a) doesn't exhaust you
                        b) educates you
                        c) generally treats guys as individuals not bags of dicks or disney princes

                        Your tendency on this (which is wrong) is to
                        a) not pay attention - then get exhausted
                        b) validate whatever you do to feel better - avoid education afterwards out of spite
                        c) get angry at men for ED PE or any other discrepancy and create a strawman, then pedestalise men as that strawman - refuse to respect anyone or consider the world from anything but a generic and over simplified viewpoint

                        Us men are REAL human beings, somewhere BETWEEN the strawman and the discrepency blaming bs
                        We are 49% annoying
                        51% ok
                        And each of us in our own unique way

                        But you are treating it like, we are
                        0% annoying 100% ok
                        and
                        100% annoying and 0% ok
                        Based on the results of your own independent moods and frustrations (which are wrong and need to be addressed, so that you aren't just scraping the bottom of the barrel of your potential as a woman)

                        The way you have done it, is pushing you to have extremely low sexual standards
                        And setting you up to have absolutely unrealistic expectations as a reaction to the shit you made yourself suffer through (which destroys your ability to be healthy in creating mutually beneficial relationships *you need 49% 51% expectations to sensitively adjust to reality and improve relationships and if you have low standards and high expectations it leaves you incredibly unprepared*)



                        Resistence, requires character as a woman, it requires preperation, it requires integrity, it requires educated decisions
                        You can't attain it through expectations of men, or "choosing what to let through and giving it the master key to everything"
                        No...
                        NO.
                        Fuck no!
                        DON'T EXPECT THAT.


                        Its not aliiive, its not adding value, its not being a person that adds HOPE to the community of potential lovers out there, if you are apathetic to your approach on these things.
                        Not giving a fuck about yourself insults not only intelligent men (which I'm sure you don't give a fuck about) but it insults intelligent women that actually WANT good men and are willing to work for it.

                        We are living in a world of scarcity and delusion, because there are not enough people willing to step out of the safe paradigms you are clinging to.

                        Imo, we all have a responsibility to do our fucking best, not bake up excuses and mire ourselves in emotional bullshit.
                        To resist better you need two things
                        1) higher sexual standards (in your case better screening and behaviours regarding permissiveness and positioning and education)
                        2) stronger character and integrity, so that you can handle 49% 51% situations with confidence and energy

                        If you lack it you will run into situations you cannot define, submit to pressure, create wildly unrealistic expectations, and be deeply uneducated about your sexual choices due to exhaustion and desperation to chase after what isn't real.


                        You have to eventually cut that shit out, and do it right.
                        What is right?
                        I dunno yet, but I'm figuring it out every chance I can get,
                        To me, you seem unserious

                        Maybe its a lack of concrete structure, but I don't think that is all it is, I think you are STUCK in a destructive circle and you need a kick up the ass to get the fuck out
                        What you don't need is more men placating to your will and letting you confuse the fuck out of yourself
                        You need to be self aware that you have a bit of a problem (not in the sense of society and its labels, I mean a personal problem that affects you DEEPLY and needs to be addresssed)

                        You gotta actually make something OUT of the info at your fingertips, not drone on about this and that problem you have with this or that inconsequential guy, because IF YOU ARE, you've already fucked up.
                        Last edited by thecostofsuccess; 02-29-2016, 06:52 AM.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          I can't find the right moment to let go of the resistance
                          Yes, and what are you DOING to address your real problem?

                          I don't know... waiting, analysing the others like hell, trying to read people like crazy.... getting stressed out cause guys are so conflicting.

                          It's toooooooooooooooo ambiguous to actually KNOW what is going on / happening... too many possible interpretations, and worse: different experiences...

                          The moment you are with someone and you realise the other person is thinking of totally different things than you are.... hell... it's like a different stage you both are in and no way to concile the two...


                          Ugh i get tired cause there are too many options, too many ways to read your responses, my responses people's responses...
                          but for now i am ok.

                          Just annoyed by people talking about nonsense for now.

                          Originally posted by thecostofsuccess View Post
                          Not giving a fuck about yourself insults not only intelligent men (which I'm sure you don't give a fuck about) but it insults intelligent women that actually WANT good men and are willing to work for it.
                          uhm I think i am more likely to be giving a fuck about intelligent men than women.. which is saying something, cause i don't think i give a fuck about insulting either of them....
                          insulting implies that they need recognition anyway... if they are doing it smartly, it's good for them.. it's their choice and their reward or lack of reward, regardless of how insulting I am or not lol.
                          I mean.. yeah if i can prevent it: sure, but it's not a goal in itself. I am ok with it either way.


                          and i think you are thinking more highly of me than I am... I am a good/ok person, but not a great/really good person. LOL.

                          =================

                          edit: I am very very tired right now and you deserve better, going to be silent for a while,read through all the stuff, get a bit of structure/order in it for me and see what to say then.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            But its false and stupid and you are just burying the fact you are using that guy too as part of your scheme.
                            I don't know how i am using the guy as part of my scheme.....

                            I honestly believe we have chemistry. And I can't help it. I don't know what to do with it, otherwise the attraction wouldn't have lasted >6 months. Although every time i am with him i doubt it, but there is no freaking way to describe the highs and lows i feel when interacting with him.
                            He's no angel, i don't believe in him like a god or whatever. He's just a guy i happen to know. With the bad and the good sides. You think I am objectifying guys, but truly I doubt that. Yeah that "falling in love" shit is blinding, but i use it more to keep people away from the truth that i don't believe he is an angel. Idk it's easier to tell your friends he is too amazing than to tell that you just for some unexplainable reason, besides physical looks and status/intelligence, are fascinated.

                            That guy i was acting frustrated with? He wasn't too ugly, he was smart as hell and nice and everything. Objectively seen I would find him promising, but i just.. don't. He is not like GREAT or flawless he's just a guy who seems to have some qualities I value. I really don't think in terms of people being 100% one thing or 100% another thing..... I understand my reactions make it seem that way, because that's what shows when i focus on one side..... but just like you aint an angel, nor a devil ( although you can act like one of those) i don't believe people are either.

                            Imo, we all have a responsibility to do our fucking best, not bake up excuses and mire ourselves in emotional bullshit.

                            I think you mean we should take responsibility for the consequences of what happens when we don't do our best, then realise it's idiotic and therefor do our best?
                            Cause I think it's not really a responsibility to do our fucking best, since it's a choice. Just saying.


                            What you don't need is more men placating to your will and letting you confuse the fuck out of yourself

                            hey at least we agree on something.

                            You have to eventually cut that shit out, and do it right.
                            What is right?
                            I dunno yet, but I'm figuring it out every chance I can get,
                            To me, you seem unserious

                            spot-on... when i do stuff with guys usually I AM not serious.. it's just part of an easy time-pass game, like playing chess.... just a small pre-game cause there is no better game present
                            (and if there was i wouldn't even notice or be capable of it, so well......)


                            It's just... i don't believe in a "right"

                            You have to eventually cut that shit out, and do it right.
                            What is right?
                            I dunno yet, but I'm figuring it out every chance I can get,


                            Idon't think there is a right or a wrong.. we all struggle through life and get out of it as best as we can, gaining whatever we can and should gain and then move on to the next and the next.....

                            This reminds me of something that one class was about 3 years ago... not serious person that i am, i passed the class without studying.

                            we had to program the "game of life" and it was hilarious as hell with cells and repeating structures/patterns and stuff... but to be honest, it was not real.

                            The conclusion was that life is chaos and the only thing we can do is make order in chaos by making our own context and world and letting things follow those rules.
                            The requirements were:
                            - energy to create order
                            - rules to follow
                            - compartementalisation (or however you would type this)
                            - mechanisms to transfer goods from one compartment to another (see rules to follow)
                            - a boundary, like a cellwall/membrane that keeps the compartments in check
                            - (etc etc cant remember, should look it up but cant be bothered right now)


                            Maybe its a lack of concrete structure, but I don't think that is all it is, I think you are STUCK in a destructive circle and you need a kick up the ass to get the fuck out
                            If you don't believe it's destructive and are capable of putting the structure away, it's not destructive I think. That's what convinces me to not worry about it.

                            Edit: just realised one thing. All this time you have been thinking ED is what made me not like the guy.. but no lol. it just made me frustrated. It isnt'the guy himself I was disappointed in lol. If it was, I wouldn't have met up with him again.
                            Last edited by Kit; 03-01-2016, 07:36 AM.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Kit (and Cos), here's my 2 cents... maybe it can help

                              Originally posted by Kit View Post
                              I think you mean we should take responsibility for the consequences of what happens when we don't do our best, then realise it's idiotic and therefor do our best?
                              Cause I think it's not really a responsibility to do our fucking best, since it's a choice. Just saying.
                              When I used to think similarly to the above, it was because I didn't really understand what responsibility meant for myself, probably because I didn't have enough experience to feel the difference between responsibilities I freely chose and those I felt pressed upon by others to take... a self-authority thing, along with clarity, which is definitely something you should examine. We all have to at some point if we want to care for ourselves and be capable beyond a certain degree.

                              Personally, I freely choose to do my best, I take on that responsibility to care about the effort and energy I expend. I put in the time to see what I'm blind to, how I treat things, how I treat myself, and what directions I'm trending towards as I lead up to making the ceiling that is my "current best" better, richer, and more nourishing and healthy than ever before. I don't allow people past certain levels of intimacy and trust who don't share that same care. I recommend you nurture such a choice and line of thought and see if you feel the same way.


                              Originally posted by Kit View Post
                              spot-on... when i do stuff with guys usually I AM not serious.. it's just part of an easy time-pass game, like playing chess.... just a small pre-game cause there is no better game present
                              (and if there was i wouldn't even notice or be capable of it, so well......)


                              I started writing something about this before, but stopped. It's very... intriguing to see which side of yourself writes which line, the Kit with her armor and bravado, and the one behind the mask (in parenthesis). The disconnect between the two makes me sad... but what also bothers me is how much you've chosen to surrender and give up on, that makes you believe the stuff you wrote above. You've really, really gotta be a little less trusting of your own bullshit (bullshit in how it limits you) and take care/be responsible for what you allow yourself to internalize and trust. Poke some holes through it, lean on it a bit, and see if it still stands.

                              Now this is just my view and it's very limited, but it feels to me that a lot of this stuff with the guy you call 0A, who I'll call Banana, comes up because being around him brings you into contact with some of the bullshit at the crux of these above two sentiments (what you wrote above). Yea, you and Banana have chemistry and a connection and there is a potential there, which keeps you from slipping into the numbing comfort of "it's a game", but beyond that point this is about you. Even if somehow, everything was magically fixed for you to move forward in some way with Banana, you'd still have to face the non-bravado part of whether or not your capable of the levels of intimacy you crave, but are blocked from. You'll still have to go through those swings you feel around him, face the rawness of the intimacy there, PLUS deal with the failings unique to him that you would be helping him with as he helped you, that would determine whether this thing, could survive the unveiling of who you really are and can be with another by your side.

                              You'd still have to stop "sucking" at how you treat those you're intimate with. As Banana would have to do as well. You wouldn't be able to run away and retreat, then fall back into your comfort and coping mechanism of creating machinations about the intricacies of communication. Tension and seduction and all that stuff is great, but it's even better when it's a vehicle for authentic communication, rather than a distraction from points of development... now I'm not saying that's all that you do... I'm just saying that I feel that from you when I read your writing from my little place in the world. Which is probably similar to what Cosy is feeling when he talks about "you making this guy a part of your scheme".

                              Intimacy and Emotional Closeness/Distance is an interesting thing. Life and how we respond and think and treat people is very different, depending upon the level of intimacy we have and what experience we have with it when it comes to our partners. You can fuck hundreds of people without knowing intimacy beyond a certain degree, without trusting and opening to them, and cultivating a space where things can be built together. It's scary sometimes and it can scar you, but it is something worthwhile and something that in time we can all be capable of. But it DOESN'T just magically happen. It requires we be capable in certain ways, certain ways that if you want to call them right or not, have to be there in order for it to survive. The guy can't do it all, we need help and you have to step up as well (and most guys fucking suck hard at truly stepping up as it is).

                              Originally posted by Kit View Post
                              I don't think there is a right or a wrong.. we all struggle through life and get out of it as best as we can, gaining whatever we can and should gain and then move on to the next and the next.....

                              This reminds me of something that one class was about 3 years ago... not serious person that i am, i passed the class without studying.

                              If you don't believe it's destructive and are capable of putting the structure away, it's not destructive I think. That's what convinces me to not worry about it.
                              You're hanging your hat on a flimsy structure with the above, in my view.

                              Instead of right and wrong, how about healthy? Are you familiar with the concept of the Goldilocks Zone? It's the zone or confluence of certain conditions and how they connect and interact that creates a space for life to form up to a certain point of health or abundance. It's a very nuanced concept of balance in my view, that provides a platform for things, for life to be built upon and it applies not just to our planet Earth, but to ourselves and our relationships, to all of life.

                              Now, it seems to me that you have no clear idea of what makes up your own personal Goldilocks Zone of Health and what is needed to improve it, so you fall into your usual pattern from the paragraph above. The bravado crap to cover up the "I don't know what to do" feel, followed by flimsy logic. But what if you didn't keep repeating that bravado pattern and faced your developmental stress? What if you felt, recognized, and took on the conditions you personally needed and held on to them as you weathered the storm of stress and development? What if after a month or two they gained traction and really became important to you and something worth nurturing? What if they became a part of you, something you could feel and build upon, that you could carry with you forever as something you created?

                              What would your Spirit need to flourish in it's own personal Goldilocks Zone? How resilient would it have to be against the stressors that are currently keeping it from growing further? What level of effort and responsibility would you have to invest into it, BEYOND what you're currently doing now? In what ways are you neglecting it and how destructive is that neglect? Would your spirit need the clarity of understanding that this is NOT a game, this is YOUR life, and really all up to you? Could you grow to handle that?

                              Originally posted by Kit View Post
                              If you don't believe it's destructive and are capable of putting the structure away, it's not destructive I think. That's what convinces me to not worry about it.
                              Sorry, but this sentence doesn't even make sense and it's a shitty conclusion to come to, to dismiss something so personally important to yourself as this. It is destructive to neglect the structure of how you choose to live. To believe otherwise is bullshit, that has hurt you and will keep hurting you and others, the more you perpetuate it. You have a pattern of behavior that is pervasive enough in your life that I've picked up on it running in your process at least two times in a single post that derails any shift into a space more conducive to health and growth. This is a pattern that you've created, that you perpetuate, nurture, and are responsible for right now. You're spirit is standing on the thing and you know how satisfying that currently is for you. That platform as it currently is, won't allow you to build much of anything around this point till you face this and I think you feel that to be the case when the stress doesn't allow you to cover it up.

                              You've gotta face that honestly, for yourself. You've gotta see the mud, so you can stick your hands in and shift things around. Personally, I search all the time for facets like this in my life. My patterns of assholery and crapness, that I can heal and shift so who I am is a better place to be. It's actually a great thing to be aware of when you think about it, or at least something you might be thankful for, later on down the line.

                              I know it's hard, but it can be done and it is much better to do it, then to muck around. I used to be there too with my armor and my failings that I all to often avoided. I'm by no means perfect, but I have built something beautiful out of my shit that can stand on it's own and enjoy continuing to do so. It's precious and wonderful and soooooo worth it.

                              Anyways, I hope my ramblings help. I've got a fever and writing more is giving me a headache.
                              Last edited by Salaam; 03-02-2016, 01:59 PM.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Ok,
                                Just to dial it back a few notches and clarify,

                                I think the way to start observing and or overcoming really numerous and ambiguous results is to develop a reliable process.
                                No one can overcome any obstacle in a day.

                                So... considering permissiveness is a tough issue, I think it could help to maybe just focus on one thing at a time, or dabble in a few things to get some perspective.

                                My advice would be to just not ignore those things exist though just cuz its hard, but instead to stay in the game, keep your head on straight, not give up before you try and to just try to figure out what you can.
                                I doubt its going to be easy to figure out, I haven't figured it out yet either, so... yeah.

                                I think it just requires some patience and perseverance.
                                Also maybe some forgiveness of yourself for when you might muck it up, cuz, its tough.
                                But ultimately, its a good idea to not bury or ignore concerns, cuz they don't go away.

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