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How a PUA (sorry for using this word) changed my life.

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  • Men Allowed How a PUA (sorry for using this word) changed my life.

    Once upon a time our sweet world got shaken by the three letters: PUA. I personally had no idea what a PUA could be. After researching the internet a long time ago, it seemed that Pick Up Artists are basically men who created kind of a fight club for men who can’t get laid without strategies, tactics, rules and the backups of other men who also can’t get laid.

    How wrong I was. Looking deep into the whole PUA construct (I do not like the term PUA generally, trying to find a different one), it not only made me look at myself as a person and the woman I want to be differently, it also gave men the chance, to improve their general game in love and getting laid. I also changed my game as well.

    I am way more confident, relaxed and conscious about myself and the man I am with. First of all, we need to understand that real PUAism is man territory. You are a woman, don’t try to be a PUA or play by their rules. It won’t work for several reasons. Men are not looking for another alpha in a female body. Men do love our softness, our weakness. You want to work with seduction, with your positivism, your kindness, your cuteness, and of course, your sexiness to make him stick around. If you think you are turning yourself into a back-boneless, weak and submissive love slave, you are wrong. You can be an independent woman with your own opinions – I would even go that far and say this is mandatory - morals and demands with a boyfriend / husband PUA. The key is how you treat him and how you verbalise it.

    When I started dating my PUA five years ago, he made it pretty clear that he is
    a) not into monogamy,
    b) fucking other girls a lot,
    c) I can only see him once a week maximum and
    d) that there will never be anything else than this.

    Why did he make this clear right from the start? Because he
    a) never met the woman who could work with his ideas and dreams and stick around long-term in the first place and rather started low to get the change to upgrade later on
    b) he got severely hurt in the past and will do his upmost to not let this happen again,
    c) he is simply not ready to settle down and maybe he will never be.

    Now if you look at this, with the predictive woman thinking, your natural urge tells you to get out. That you deserve better than that. But for some reason, and this is what I will address later, you feel the need to stick around. You start excusing yourself and your actions, instead of just taking it as it is, without judging yourself.

    “I don’t like him anyway, but the dicking is too good.”
    “I will only see him until someone better comes my way.”
    “I am too lazy to get myself a new dick, I rather stick to this one before I end up unfucked for a long period.”

    But it’s all bullshit. Of course I can only speak for myself and being well aware of my own thousands of emotions and opinions, my head is sometimes spinning just because of the emotions I am able to feel. I know that us women are so beautifully and nerve wrecking complex, that of course there are some women out there who just can’t deal with the pain, the degrading, the helplessness and the jealousy being with a PUA can bring. I highly recommend then to stay in your comfort zone, your mind set and live the life you and society has created for yourself and I am wishing you all the best without any arrogance or cockiness.

    But if you are willing to give up everything, and I mean everything!, you learned from your parents, your friends, your religion, your environment, your education, if you are willing and able to free yourself from dictated ideas and rules, and start new, going through painful episodes and yes, sometimes tears, hating him, hating yourself, hating all these other side women, then I promise you, you will learn so incredibly much about men, and most importantly: yourself. Never forget that you are important, what you want is important and what you feel is important. And so is the PUA you are in love with. I am talking here about girlfriends, I am obviously not speaking about FB’s and all the rest of it.

    If you decide that your new man is worth trying to live in a new scheme, you need to prepare yourself, that it is going to be hard in the beginning and for quite a while. I wish I had an experienced wing woman by my side when I started dating him. As a woman, I naturally felt the urge to discuss his actions with my friends, and 9 out of 10 advised to dump him. Not only did they advise to dump him, they also gave me a very hard time for standing my ground, for believing in this. I ended up defending him, which is incredibly hard if you are actually mad at him for not talking to you for days, and defending myself, which is even harder when you are just about to start the transition of your thinking, your whole idea of relationships. I don’t know how many tears I cried and how many emotional, novel long messages I sent to this man in the very beginning, out of jealousy and panic and of course: pain. It really did fucking hurt.

    The withdrawal, the avoidance, him being aloof at times and then suddenly him turning into the happiest and most caring man I could wish for. I don’t know how many people told me I was blind, I was stupid, even addicted to him. Which made me read a lot about love addiction and love avoidance and that this combo is basically like fucking on an electric chair, its hot and intense, but you will both die. With time I established though that I am not a love addictive and he is not a love avoidant, which brought me back to learn about the PUA game and how to not only deal with it, but grow with it as a woman. Critics of course will start laughing out loud due to the last sentence, but this just shows the ignorance and how little they know about this topic.

    I caught myself doing and even saying the exact same things over and over again, I just did not know what was happening and my inner ego tried to fight the transition. With the result of being punished and radio silenced afterwards. Depending on the depths of my drama, sometimes for 2 or 3 days, sometimes for a week or two. Always coming back with a random, funny text, as if nothing has ever happened. It was difficult at times, as you are left confused, hurt, asking yourself if it really was "that bad" what you did and of course, you miss him.

    I started relationships at a very young age, so I walked a long, long path being in my mid-thirties. I have to admit, I left every single one of my boyfriend’s apart from one. Why? Simply because I got bored. I got either bored of their kindness, their routine, their cheating, their lies, their way of just letting me be my “out of control self”. I never had to work on myself ever. Whenever I fucked up, I just put on my smile, sometimes did not even have to apologise, and played my cuteness card. It worked every single time. I never had to go over and beyond for a man or understand that the patterns I was using, my uncontrolled anger and sometimes jealousy, were not getting me anywhere long-term. If I would have not met this man all these years ago, I would have stayed the exact same, that’s one thing I am sure of.

    I learned to be more open minded, less judgmental, let someone be his real self in my presence and still be madly in love, I am independent, experiencing my own sexual adventures without ever feeling guilty about it. Can I ever imagine going back to a monogamy relationship? I doubt it. Maybe when I am old, and not sometimes in need for (sexual) attention of other men, I don’t know yet. All I know is that this construct we built, and don’t get me wrong, it was fucking hard work from both of us, is for now the best I ever had. We are partners for many years now, our friends and family do not know anything about our arrangement and we do have side play-friends. And never has this affected my love for him and I am pretty sure, neither has this affected his love for me.

    So how did I manage to get rid of old habits, old characteristics that were not particularly helpful and positive? I learned. I started writing down situations that did upset me and also his and mine behaviour, the way we dealt with things. I tried different approaches. I changed my thinking. When I used to think “He is fucking all these girls, so young, so hot, all being so interesting as they are all brand new and exciting, how can I win? How can I fit in any longer?” I changed it into “My man is fucking all these women and he still loves me so much and wants to be with me after all these years, I must be the fucking Don!”

    Thoughts and experience input more than welcome! (I will start to blog about specific situations and how to get through them, if anyone is interested, stay tuned.)
    Last edited by Leni13; 04-28-2016, 09:26 AM.

  • #2
    As a non-drama type of guy, I don't really find anything you describe as enjoyable. This all sounds very mentally taxing. But if that's your cup of tea, who am I to judge.

    I prefer something simple like "I'm ok, you're ok". I'm cool, you're cool. If I have to use tactics and techniques to keep you in "check" then perhaps we're actually not compatible after all.

    Just my 0.02c.

    Comment


    • #3
      I agree. I was mentioning how I was in previous relationships. I consider myself as being pretty laid back and cool and the tactics were in the beginning. We are together for five years now, we do not have any dramas, but a woman is still a woman and I think, we are allowed emotions. No matter if negative or positive, we are not robots and even though you can sail the "I am ok, you are ok, I am cool, you are cool" ship, you sometimes still need to talk about stuff. I hardly doubt that a all is cool longterm relationship without ever communicating does exist, but hit me if I am wrong.

      Comment


      • #4
        Yeah, we do talk about stuff, but we talk about it in a very relaxed, calm manner, without any blame or drama, but more as a team planning a trip or deciding how to solve a problem. We talk about a problem, solve it within 10-15 minutes and move on with the rest of our day. Perhaps because I'm a calm guy so I naturally screen for calm women, or I lead in a calm manner and she follows. As I said, I'm not a drama guy so I tend to seek similar people.

        Also, I don't think you can paint all women with the same brush..

        Another "theory" is that women will give you as much drama as you accept, and perhaps I don't get any drama because I don't accept it or respond to it so women know it's not effective against me.. (But this too is over generalizing women).

        I dunno, I just know that I go with my gut, and if someone is not cool, I'm not going to waste time on them. Nothing much to debate here, different strokes for different folks. Not everyone needs rules.

        Cheers.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Qlue View Post
          Yeah, we do talk about stuff, but we talk about it in a very relaxed, calm manner, without any blame or drama, but more as a team planning a trip or deciding how to solve a problem. We talk about a problem, solve it within 10-15 minutes and move on with the rest of our day. Perhaps because I'm a calm guy so I naturally screen for calm women, or I lead in a calm manner and she follows. As I said, I'm not a drama guy so I tend to seek similar people.

          Also, I don't think you can paint all women with the same brush..

          Another "theory" is that women will give you as much drama as you accept, and perhaps I don't get any drama because I don't accept it or respond to it so women know it's not effective against me.. (But this too is over generalizing women).

          I dunno, I just know that I go with my gut, and if someone is not cool, I'm not going to waste time on them. Nothing much to debate here, different strokes for different folks. Not everyone needs rules.

          Cheers.
          Sounds good to me, how you solve things. This is pretty much what we are doing. But not right from the start. Me not being used having to deal with consequences or radio silence, I always had guys who fueled the conversation, which eventually lead to more conversation with more ego attacks etc. I had to learn how to team play, how to address problems in a factual and fair way, without giving him any shit or attitude. What I was trying to say with my post was, that I doubt, now looking back, that I would have achieved this personal development with a "normal" relationship with a man, who does not know what a PUA (still cringing using this term) is. If that makes sense?

          I agree on the drama part, I do not do drama in my relationship, not at work, not in my family. Additionally I learned from this relationship, if someone giving me drama, I walk away from it. As a woman, this can be hard, trust me.

          What I was trying to say is that this relationship has given me a much calmer, relaxed and balanced personality and life, although the start was incredibly tough. But worth it.

          Comment


          • #6
            I would like to hear more about specific situations.

            But also I kind of can't really identify with most of what you said.
            I think every guy is similar, but yet different in his own unique vibe and the way how you deal with "them" as a group doesn't exist.
            Just like being "yourself" is not as a "certain kind of women he would want"....

            When i read your post i just can't help but think...

            "writing this to prove how not weak she is this way.. but to whom is she trying to prove this? to others or to herself?"

            Comment


            • #7
              I am not trying to prove anything. I simply tried to share my experience how dating a guy with a PUA background has changed my behaviour in relationships. It has nothing to do with being weak or not being weak. It's a simple summary and comparison past and present. Maybe I would have changed anyway because I grew older in these five years, maybe I would have met another partner who would have shown me another aspect and I would have learned from it. But I personally have met the guy I am with and all I wanted was to share my experience of change. Nobody has to understand it or like it or agree. It was simply a share and maybe some other girls find it helpful in whatever way. That's all.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Leni13 View Post
                I am not trying to prove anything. I simply tried to share my experience how dating a guy with a PUA background has changed my behaviour in relationships. It has nothing to do with being weak or not being weak. It's a simple summary and comparison past and present. Maybe I would have changed anyway because I grew older in these five years, maybe I would have met another partner who would have shown me another aspect and I would have learned from it. But I personally have met the guy I am with and all I wanted was to share my experience of change. Nobody has to understand it or like it or agree. It was simply a share and maybe some other girls find it helpful in whatever way. That's all.

                Please keep posting, I hope I (or others) didn't discourage you in any way. New input and perspectives are always welcome. Your story is interesting, and good to know it's changed you for the better. This is a self improvement forum after all, and we're all here to learn..

                Looking forward to more of your posts.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Leni13 View Post
                  I am not trying to prove anything. I simply tried to share my experience how dating a guy with a PUA background has changed my behaviour in relationships. It has nothing to do with being weak or not being weak. It's a simple summary and comparison past and present. Maybe I would have changed anyway because I grew older in these five years, maybe I would have met another partner who would have shown me another aspect and I would have learned from it. But I personally have met the guy I am with and all I wanted was to share my experience of change. Nobody has to understand it or like it or agree. It was simply a share and maybe some other girls find it helpful in whatever way. That's all.
                  Yea if a girl dates a guy that has been in the community and know what he is doing, she would improve all aspects of her life: income, social dynamics, relationship, looks...

                  I touch on the subject here:http://www.pua-zone.com/showthread.p...xer-upper-game

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Qlue View Post
                    Please keep posting, I hope I (or others) didn't discourage you in any way. New input and perspectives are always welcome. Your story is interesting, and good to know it's changed you for the better. This is a self improvement forum after all, and we're all here to learn..

                    Looking forward to more of your posts.
                    Cheers Qlue, you (or others) did not disencourage me at all, I am always open for productive feedback - another step of the way of learning and improving.
                    Last edited by Leni13; 04-28-2016, 09:04 AM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Skills360 View Post
                      Yea if a girl dates a guy that has been in the community and know what he is doing, she would improve all aspects of her life: income, social dynamics, relationship, looks...

                      I touch on the subject here:http://www.pua-zone.com/showthread.p...xer-upper-game
                      Very interesting post, thank you for sharing! Personally, him having the patience and interest in "teaching" me / showing me other aspects and letting me grow out of old habits, made the relationship much stronger. And like i mentioned previously, it also changed my self-esteem, my way of dealing with problems at work or family and friends circles.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Leni13 View Post
                        Very interesting post, thank you for sharing! Personally, him having the patience and interest in "teaching" me / showing me other aspects and letting me grow out of old habits, made the relationship much stronger. And like i mentioned previously, it also changed my self-esteem, my way of dealing with problems at work or family and friends circles.

                        ^ yea, similar happened with my ex main, i pmed you...

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Good post Leni. thanks for sharing and WTSF (welcome to SedFast )

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Sase View Post
                            Good post Leni. thanks for sharing and WTSF (welcome to SedFast )
                            Thank you, Sase!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Reading the op sounds a lot like the perspective of my last primary. It showed in her behaviour around everyone else, as opposed to around me. We talked about it every now and again, and she even said at one point "You don't understand, I'm not like this with anyone else, you calm me down so much" or something similar anyway.

                              Let me confirm that yes, he loves you very much. Even if it doesn't (or didn't) appear that way at times. Just a bit of conditioning (which takes a lot of self-control, for both parties) to end up with something lasting through the years.

                              (Kudos, Leni13. It appears you two are on the right track.)

                              Comment

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