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  • perfect guy

    i dont like myself very much right now

    why the fuck do i need a guy who is perfect

    why am i not willing to oversee the shortcomings of most guys (almost all?)

    why am i looking for that one guy that will 'complete' me, or multiple guys, but still all of them fucking perfect

    why can't i just take incomplete guys who lack in whatever area possible...


    it's like i cant settle for less than ideal

    and i hate it right now and i hate myself for wanting more than i possibly even deserve

    I am not perfect,
    then why do I want a guy who is perfect?
    why does it feel like only someone who is great amazing etc can complete me?

    I see people getting kids or getting relationships or getting married with other people at facebook
    yet when i see them, first i feel somewhat jealous, then i see the partners they chose and am like: hell no, how could he/she settle for him/her
    why?

    I could never do it

    what do they know that i dont know about settling for less and being happy anyway?
    I couldnt be happy with their spouses, that's for sure
    so how can they?

    am i heartless?
    egoistical, spoiled etc?

    is it bullshit that i think i want the best ?
    that i think most guys are not good enough?
    either personality wise, looks wise, intelligence wise or money wise?

    maybe i lack in all of those areas, then why do i still expect to find a guy who doesn't?
    and why do i find the personalities lacking of guys who could be perfect in every other way?

    I feel like i am searching for a needle.. how ridiculous is that?
    why search one fish when you have a whole sea of them right?
    why search that one fucking specific person, where nobody else matches up, instead of settling for a person that's good enough?
    why don't i fucking find any person good enough?

    why aren't they?
    why can't they fucking be better?

    TL;DR: Why are most people and guys not perfect?
    TL;DR2: why am i such a narcistic idiot to believe i would deserve perfect
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

  • #2
    Originally posted by Kit View Post
    it's like i cant settle for less than ideal

    and i hate it right now and i hate myself for wanting more than i possibly even deserve
    Easy now. What I wonder is where is the pain coming from. Settling for perfect is not the problem, but how this is causing you a problem is.

    I am not perfect,
    then why do I want a guy who is perfect?
    why does it feel like only someone who is great amazing etc can complete me?
    Life is not fair. It's not fucking equal. I see nothing wrong with wanting this.

    is it bullshit that i think i want the best ?
    that i think most guys are not good enough?
    either personality wise, looks wise, intelligence wise or money wise?
    why aren't they?
    why can't they fucking be better?
    In what I've seen, it's the truth of it that the right ones you want to find will be rare indeed.

    I feel like i am searching for a needle.. how ridiculous is that?
    why search one fish when you have a whole sea of them right?
    why search that one fucking specific person, where nobody else matches up, instead of settling for a person that's good enough?
    why don't i fucking find any person good enough?
    Some of the responses you will get will talk about how nobody is perfect. In this, I think it's great you are being so picky, so selective. I think the problem is more in defining perfect for you. Everyone will have different definitions of this 'perfect', but knowing what it is will go along way in helping you find this. I'm seeing a girl right now in a foreign country and she is pretty much perfect to me. Many guys couldn't handle her and many wouldn't enjoy her qualities as much as I do. It's not perfect for everyone, but for me right now I find it to be exactly what I want and need. There's no reason for you not to be picky as shit in finding this for yourself.
    -Supernova

    Comment


    • #3
      Afraid of losing control? Have you ever been in love? Remember how it feels?
      "Settle", "complete me", "perfect", "deserve", "good enough", "egotistical"... common, really!?! You know all that doesn't matter when all you want is that on e person to look at you, or to hold your hand, or to touch you. You've been playing Pick-Up-Artiste for too long. Burn out. Time to refresh with some good old falling in love.
      (P.S. Not saying falling in love is enough to get married, have children and take a stab at the forever after. If that's on your mind you'll need more than that. But first you need a vacation on Romance Island.)

      Comment


      • #4
        well

        the guy who broke my heart most up till now apparently has found love

        ​​​​​​i didnt know of it up till now
        but now that i do i feel somewhat happy for him

        although i cant help crying and crying as well
        i dont know why i am crying
        i suppose my subconscious is crying?
        for what?
        for the goodness of it or the badness?

        i dont know

        what i do know is that i feel less bothered by perfection, just a few hours after posting this post

        i think it helped me believe in love again

        maybe because the girl he chose, he definitely must have chosen for the person he thinks she is

        and with me i was always afraid that he didnt want me for the wrong reasons after wanting me for the wrong reasons or something

        so i feel.. glad that it wasnt bad and that it must have been real
        i am not sure about love

        i realised how unsettled i have been the past years in myself and in my psyche.. it was hidden away while now its very close to the surface... the past weeks /months

        it showed up when i fell in love with him, although perhaps before already

        i dont know..

        my psyche.. is acting weird
        i do know that i cant allow myself for settle less than someone i like AND love
        so thats going to be hard.

        i am not sure what it says about me that i feel relieved and happy about that he chose someone who objectively at the first view doesnt look prettier or hotter than me.
        is it because of jealousy/insecurity?

        or is it about my view of him as a person?

        i dont know
        not sure i want to know

        for now i will try to sleep to do tomorrow well..
        and even though i claimed i wanted perfection

        if i am fully honest
        i know some guys that interest me

        i am just so fucking afraid to hope for anything

        with him it never truly felt like a choice after the initial moment i met him, i had already made the subconscious choice

        ​​​​​with these guys it isnt like that

        i just dont know what it IS

        so yeah I guess falling in love is possible, but not very likely
        i am not ready for it

        although i should stop selfsabotaging

        thats what i do realise right now

        ​​​​​*sigh*
        ​​​​​
        ​​​​

        ​​​​​
        ​​​
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

        Comment


        • #5
          ok it was a lie actually.
          actually i want him to have chosen her for her as a person

          ​​​because it makes me believe in the goodness of this world and that he has been honest and real with me.

          for me with him it was a constant struggle to believe that he truly was the good person i loved but very simple or that he was a person who i shouldnt trust and who would hurt me terribly

          in the end he hurted me
          but if i am honest to myself,
          i kinda had it coming by not trusting him and switching from one way of seeing him to the other and back, by being afraid

          ​​​​and not taking care of myself, making out with other guys (never sex though), lying once, and getting drunk as often as possible.
          while on the other hand not wanting to let go

          he was simple in some ways and i made him complicated (simple in a good way i mean)
          and that was part of the reason why it could not work out...

          whatever other reasons there may have been..
          i made stupid mistakes​​​​​​

          actually that perfection part comes in there as well but yeah

          i went from finding him perfect
          to afraid of falling for him and never being good enough
          and then deciding he was imperfect and too easy,
          to that split view and falling for him anyway because my subconscious internalized him
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

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          • #6
            thanks for the responses btw,they help
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

            Comment


            • #7
              my mom says i am perfect! just saying...
              Sexting, my unique natural game, aggressive dance floor seductions, 15-20 minutes hook ups in clubs. Learn the proper way to maximize your results in a club type environment, check out my blog and youtube clubbing channel:

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              • #8
                xD
                https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

                Comment


                • #9
                  Sounds good. You're approaching a place of honesty there. Take any of the following as my own life experience combined with reading a few Hundred (per perhaps by now Thousand) books on subjects related to this. It might not fit your situation, but it might hover at the edges so there might be something to learn from it anyway for you.

                  - There are general ideas or models in society on how "a relationship" is supposed to work. Those are simplifications that rarely ever fit the experience of anyone if they truly take a shot at it. However well you try to follow any model, there will be a point when you either a) give up and end it or b) allow the real world, the real people involved and what needs to be done to take over.

                  - Any substantial growth for human beings follows a certain cycle I have discribed in detail elsewhere on this forum a few times. Part of this cycle is what mystics like to call the "dark night of the soul", a passing-through phase that feels just terrible in which you give up part of what you have been before so as to make room for what you are to become. A relationship that allows everyone included to grow beyond what they were at the start of the relationship will allow, even invite these growth cycles, or they will become prisons preventing your personal growth. In order to achieve that, relationships need to allow room for imperfection, experimentation, all this stuff. I repeatedly suffer hard with my gf of 2,5 years now, but so far everytime I did I learned so much about myself that I figured this is worth it anyway. Suffering only becomes a problem when it doesn't lead to growth. Which brings me to the next point:

                  - Most people are traumatized in one way or another, even although most of them never know because they have become so good at supressing it. This helps you survive your everyday life, but it also helps you from realizing certain patterns you project into your perceived reality that prevent you from facing the hurt. It's what the buddhists (I think) describe as the outside world of being but a projection of your inner world. I wouldn't say this is 100% true, I'd imagine the outside world does exist apart from you in a way, but by (subconsciously) projecting the patterns you used to experience into the outside world by your own behaviour that invites a repetition of these patterns, you'll basically prove to yourself that the world is a certain way. Once you truly open your eyes to this fact, you start seeing everyone around you doing that, and the behaviours of others (and yourself) starts to make much more sense.

                  - I'm only now starting to realize this fully, but I've stumbled on something like "proof" that something separate from our everyday identity I'd call "soul" in lack of a better word does exist. Which helps a ton in explaining why I am sometimes attracted to certain people without ever having met them and just "knowing" I will have a great time with them if I interact with them. Perhaps our "souls" are connected on a non-time, non-space level or something. But there seem to be like two different levels of this, one "soul-level" and one "everyday level". On the first, I can actually love several people at the same time. I tried, and it does work wonderfully. On a more mundane level, though, I can only be in one place at a time, and on this level I have to make decisions for certain people that will in turn be decisions against others. Also, something like "worldly confusion" will sometimes make it close to impossible to deal with someone I feel attraction and love for on a "soul level". It's like there's too much worldly slag between us to truly let our love flow as easily as it could be. Eastern religions call this "Maya" I think, the confusion of this "slag" with what is real on a higher "soul level".

                  All the above for me means several things:

                  - I am working on accepting how I am truly able to love several people at the same time without feeling ashamed or wrong about it just because society tells me this is wrong or impossible. It's the truth, my truth as I experience it, so why bother with the question of whether it is wrong to feel this way?
                  - I am also currently trying to undo the effects of several traumatizing experiences I had as a young adult, which is painful but necessary in order to experience reality as it is instead of as an incarnation of the recollection of patterns of what happened to me in the past.
                  - I am trying to be as authentic and honest about how I experience the world both to myself and towards others as well as I can, even if it means shaking the worldview of others in the process. This includes family, friends and lovers. Amazingly enough, the more authentic I speak about my experience, the more people can accept it even if that makes me seem far removed from their experience of reality at times. I have a girlfriend for about 2,5 years now while having met some other women I love(d) too over this time, and although I wondered if it was a good idea to do so I have told friends and family about this. Not to get their permission but as a fact so we can understand each other better. Some told me this would never work (an expression of their own experience, or much rather fears because most never dared trying), but nobody stopped seeing me. The "secondary women" I met and came to love have too realized how I'm authentic in what I do, even if the consequences are far removed from what is normally referred to as "perfect" in relationships, it being a very close incarnation of a certain relationship model. I'm not following any relationship model anymore, I'm much rather following what feels right for everybody, and so do the women I am with to the best of their abilities. This sometimes sucks for one, two or all of us because this world probably isn't 100% meant to allow for our authentic love to be expressed 100% freely, so we have to do some organization and we sometimes fuck up. But those are honest mistakes, and we tend to forgive them because we know we all tried our best. Me and the people who join me on this path are at times quite clumsy about it because you don't really learn that anywhere in our societies so we're like children experimenting, but it feels right to do it this way so we do it anyway even if we have no idea where it will in the end take us.

                  There's never going to be a lasting perfect you can find as long as you are a living being. There can be a beautiful in certain moments though, and you can collect those beautiful moments and treasure them as you should along the lines of your (hopefully) never-ending growth cycles. Certain people will come along further, others will drift off to meet other souls along the way. Don't look for perfect to save you from having to go your own journey. Look for someone to hold your hand while walking for a while instead if you can imagine this being a good thing. Someone like a gardener who allows you to grow the way you're meant to grow. The rest, as the Eastern religions would put it, is "Maya", illusion or confusion you're used to that protects you from the next big step in the eternal growth cycle. It's alright to stick in Maya for a while to gather some strength, like I did for like 10 years now, but sooner or later you're going to have to step up and go further, or your own children might inherit the patterns that you haven't managed to face in your own time in addition to their very own.

                  Jester
                  Bunterrichten - Alternativen zum Unter-richten:

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                  • #10
                    That's more like it, Kit. You are charming when real. I can tell that even over this limited media.
                    I can relate to everything you wrote. Across genders. Much to say about it but I won't. This is a limited media. I've been both the hurt and the hurter. We do lots of stupid stuff for fear of being hurt, but the hurter is the real scared one. If on some level fear is the only pain then it could be that the hurter is the one hurting most. Unconsciously? I know I mind less being hurt in love than being the one running away.
                    To get up I remind myself: The best aphrodisiac is a new lover. So the question is: How do I become a New Lover?
                    You're doing it. You'll be fine. Real fine!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Jester View Post
                      .Look for someone to hold your hand while walking for a while instead if you can imagine this being a good thing.
                      i thought about this youknow?
                      i have some friends who can hold my hand or whose hand i hold, quite some actually
                      but that's not the only thing i look for in a lover, if that makes sense.

                      then concerning polyamory
                      i believe everyone can be polyamorous
                      however i also am starting to believe that if i want children, i cant have them with multiple people
                      i want possible future kids to have a fatherfigure in their life, one that i love, without a doubt and who loves me and the kids back in turn. And to be honest, i dont know who it will be, but to just settle for a guy who doesnt meet those expectations sounds.. dumb to me ? maybe thats a limiting belief, but it"s what i belief to be true

                      now for that fatherfigure/partner.. i have expectations and thats partly where the whole perfection thing comes in actually.. although i dont know where my own wishes end and my wishes for possible future children start
                      ​​​​​
                      ​​​​i dont want my future kids to experience some things i have, socially. A lot of that is unfortunately looksbased.

                      I cant settle for someone who is dumb, because hell, i think it would be a waste and i am not sure i would be able to be a great mother that way.. if i would have to i would be ofcourse.. but i would annoy the child most likely
                      ​​​​​​
                      then for myself. i cant handle someone boring. It would be a recipe for disaster, i know many people would be able to make that person happier than me as well.

                      and then money. i always said money doesnt matter. However the way someone spends money can say a lot about the person and his/her view on life and capability of thinking beyond the present as well as the present as well as beyond him/herself often

                      then more things like that

                      dunno i feel like i would still be searching a needle, even when honest to myself

                      @sase: thanks
                      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I've been thinking about what I'd need to welcome kids into my life right now. My own I mean, for I'm around kids and young adults almost every day because of work. Since I work mostly with kids from families in which something to most of what they do is fucked up, I can tell you that kids are pretty hard to really kill. I see some of them taking more time to get stuff because of their somewhat less-than-perfect upbringing, but most of them are pretty good at dealing with whatever shit you throw at them. Additionally, at least in my country, there's loads of support systems both represented by your own friends and family and outside support like government projects and all that who are willing (and in many cases even quite able) to help you out where you fail too hard. So although I myself would want to be the best father I can be to any child I might have in the future, it's kind of relaxing to know you don't have to be perfect to make it work. In fact, too perfect might even spoil your kids because they have to do less "real" work themselves than other kids whose parents fucked up once in a while. So as long as you got some basics covered, you should be golden.

                        One of those basics is the financial stuff. I see parents fucking up (and thus their kids fucking up) greatly who have no clue about fiances or are in denial about them. You can survive quite well on not that much, but if you go below a certain number you'll add an unnecessary shitload of conflict potential to an already difficult situation. At least be able to finance your own life long-term before you have that baby. And if you want to get some plus points, be both able to finance your own life. I've seen it happen in my own family and many others: the women staying in a relationship because she cannot imagine earning enough money to be single again.

                        Second, reliability. Love between adults can change or be outgrown over time, and it might hurt quite a bit if that happens, but it can be a pain in the ass if someone you love or once loved is unreliable in any agreement you have made. I've seen people lose all their remaining energy over things as simple as someone holding true to his offer to pick up the kid at 14 p.m. If it comes to children, reliability no matter whether you still love someone or not matters a lot. So does the habit of not lying.

                        Have children because you actually want them. If deep in your heart you know it's wrong for you to have children, even if you haven't yet found the reason why you feel this way, you better not have them. I've talked with lots of people, and people are massively shamed for openly admitting they don't want children so they don't say it out loud but still feel this way. They can be most responsible fathers and mothers, but they have a very hard time truly loving their children. At my work I regularily see the consequences for children who are not truly welcome to their parents. I believe every child should experience the love its sheer existence deserves. If you know you will probably not be able to love them as they require, you probably shouldn't have them.


                        I think you might be approaching the problem from an angle that's unnecessaryily difficult. If you would set yourself the task to find a man who can incorporate all you'll need for both loving you the way you are and love the children you'll have together, it is very much possible you'll find that exact man sooner or later. It's very likely though that in time that man will be changing, growing in many ways, some of which you'll enjoy, some of which you won't. So I wonder if it wouldn't make sense to kind of deconstruct the image of the perfect man or, in my case, woman, and rather look at what aspects are important in which regard and whether or not one could sew them together in different ways that fit the actual people you meet and get to know better. When approached this way, having multiple relationships at the same time while also being able to have kids does make a lot more sense in my opinion. I'd still prefer to have kids with only one single woman for convenience reasons, but I wouldn't mind her sleeping with other men and would probably like to see myself sleeping with other women we discover a loving affection for, as long as we can still guarantee the necessary reliability towards our kids and each other. As soon as we ourselves or our respective other will notice how we grow somewhat irresponsible, we're going to have to find a better solution. Obviously this can only work if you're somewhat into the whole idea in the first place and perhaps have some positive pre-experience as well. But I think it's going to work quite well actually.

                        Jester
                        Bunterrichten - Alternativen zum Unter-richten:

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                        • #13
                          I sense that this worry stems from a truthful desire being amplified by rage
                          The desiire to be with a good person, can't be judged from a place of instability
                          It must always be judged from a place of astounding integrity and strength of character

                          While your inner state is storming, you are not able to see men
                          This lack of sight and intuition forces you to be more superficial and in being more superficial cut out more people, and after doing that, pull back and reject more for not being clever
                          MEANING
                          If you are unable to see things in others, you will cut them off in every conceivable way

                          In order to see
                          You have to have calmness inside
                          You cannot fake such things, you earn them
                          How much can you reach for in life?
                          I do not know
                          But I would say, don't try to fight for more from a place of ignorance
                          Try to fight for more from a place of strength and insight

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                          • #14
                            i saw the 0A guy again today.. but i just feel sooo depressed.. when and after seeing him
                            it was in a group context

                            and i dont know what to think of it..

                            i somehow still give him too much importance in my mind *sigh*
                            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              cosy just read your post

                              and i just feel terrible right now,
                              i dont know
                              thats just the way i feel

                              i hate that some illusion/fantasy of a guy can render me so sad/frustrated/actually just really sad..

                              ​​​​​and just to be clear
                              ​​​​​​terrible not because of your post, actuallysomehow the post just resonated with how i feel right now already
                              didnt amplify or reduce it

                              i feel.. horrible, unstable, sad.
                              and i just feel that immense connection with the guy again

                              and fuck him
                              he knows how i feel
                              but he just remains ambiguus
                              sigh
                              https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIb6AZdTr-A

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