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How to deal with selfrighteous men

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  • Men Allowed How to deal with selfrighteous men

    How do you deal with guys who project their own mistakes at you?

    I had written a whole post this morning but lost it..
    but will do the tl;dr now:

    Got very annoyed with a guy who happened to tell me what mistakes i made while dancing
    while actually he should have been leading me
    (if he had i never could have not done the steps, since he should have been leading me into them)
    So basically he was calling me out for not following (blaming me in a way) for the mistakes he himself made as a leader.

    How do you deal with people when they go like that?


  • #2
    So you know the steps already, he just wasn't giving you a good lead, and you didn't understand what he wanted?

    He wasn't leading at all, or just not giving a clear lead?

    Related question - do you know how to back lead?

    There are some people who have a need to blame everyone else but themselves for any problem - I find it's best to avoid any activities that require co-operation with those sorts of people.


    • #3
      I know how to but somehow zone out sometimes.
      ​​​​​​He was leading alright for some things, that's why i somehow just forgot to do my steps without the lead
      (we were following a choreography and had done the steps before quite some times and actually i should have known he wouldnt do it and should have paid attention to my own steps. So yeah, i could have known and prevented the thing except that somehow i just zoned out)

      ​​​​​Thing is. he didnt listen to me at first at the practising and then said stuff i did wrong while i was basically doing the dance and not following his lead at first (which doesnt make for good partner relationships but does make the dance right lol) then he would tell me i was doing the wrong steps (but he was leading wrong which made me have to take a different way to catch up) and then i would have to wait for him to catch up what steps he was missing.
      and no i don"t really know how to switch between being led and back lead. I can do one of those 2 but somehow have trouble switching between the 2.
      But I think my main issue was that I couldnt make him listen to me. I pretended to be patient but innerly was not. Is there no other way except patience to deal with peoples unawareness/ego projection and lead them to reality/whats happening/what they can change instead of them projecting mistakes externally?

      But yeah.. felt so annoyed.


      • #4
        My take: By caring so much, you are letting him win.
        Now that you have thought it through and realized its unjust, you can raise your bar in regards to let similar things 'get to you' in the future.
        So yeah, deal with yourself, and all will be great


        • #5
          It wont make me able to lead people away from that idiot mentality...


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            Editing a comment
            I find that a not letting them get to you has a stronger chance of changing their behavior, than addressing the issue.
            (By addressing the issue, their efforts towards affecting you emotionally are somewhat rewarded, reinforcing the behavior. If they cant get the response they are looking for, they tend to stop trying eventually..)

        • #6
          Patience is not enough. (Fake patience even less so.) True kindness and forgiveness are required for close quarters activities like partner dancing.
          Just curious, what kind of dancing do you do?
          I do Lindy hop (some jazz/Charleston too). It's common for partners to get frustrated and blame each other. I think the advanced performers either wore off this bad habit or they learned to recognize the "blamey" feeling and drop it before it rears it's ugly, destructive head. Or maybe blamers never get too advanced in this art. In any case, I only see students blaming each other, not the masters.
          In lindy-hop it's always the lead's fault.
          I think flattery works better than criticism. In the case you described you could say: "You are right, I know, sorry I spaced out. I know the steps but your lead is usually so strong and precise, I grew to rely on it and that time I didn't feel it there. Can we go over those steps a few times. Please keep your lead strong and precise, especially in that place where I tend to mess up the steps."
          It's a pain, I know, to be so appeasing especially toward someone that rubs you the wrong way. But it works.
          There are follows that I can dance with and fail a routine for two dozen times. Yet we'll laugh at each failure, we'll have a lovely time and probably develop new steps out of some of the failures. Other follows, even good dancers, I can't seem to be able to work with very well. Fortunately these are very few, but still, there are some. It's a vibe/personality/(karma?) thing.


          • #7
            If he insists on wrong steps, first refer to a recording of the choreography. Sometimes even looking at a slowed down video, my partner insisted on wrong steps. What worked for me was to learn both the wrong and the right way and then ask the instructor to go over the steps with us as a couple separately from the group. I became a better dancer (and friend) for the extra effort. Oh, and don't rub "I told you so" in his face if you happen to have been right.


            • #8
              Inject some sass

              "Tell me again, in dancing who is the one meant to be the lead" "is it meant to be me, or you?" "Look, John is it? John is your name, ok, well John, I expect some respect here ok, even if you are getting frustrated, keep your cool and remember you arent talking to your mother" "hold a moment, let me get the instructor"
              If he doesn't listen bring over another person and say "we are having a difference in opinion here, I feel he should lead but he is complaining saying that I should assist him through the dance"
              Or whatever

              Just make him feel small

              It won't change his behaviour, but you can't change snide people and it'll remove all social reprimands he can throw
              Basically any amog tactic will work


              • #9
                i think i did this indirectly the last time..


                • #10

                  +1 Sase need to gun down anyone.. laugh it off and tell him to chill... dancing is supposed to be fun. If he wants to bitch , he can find someone else


                  • #11
                    Well thankfully I think he realised it himself.
                    He has been better the last time. gonna see in a few days whether it lasts xD