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Commitment phobia

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  • Men Allowed Commitment phobia

    (Delete?)

    Well, since it didnt get deleted, lets make this post anyway. Didnt want to post here anymore but dont really know where else to put it.

    Someone told me to go exclusive..
    I feel confused
    happy on one side, confused on the other..
    I knew it was leading to a relationship, but it feels weird

    Also... the guy.... it's tough, because I am also in love with someone else who doesn't have time for me.
    (Hello polyamory i never asked for)

    dont know, felt confused and dizzy and weird and confined.. dont think too far in the future because i.. sometimes imagine him there, and like it and at other moments i dont want him there and feel.. confined, like all my feelings die, my optimism goes away, my emotions and honesty locks up and I just want to take distance.

    Also know I can never be honest about my past with the guy.
    And that there is a chance he will never truly understand me.
    (big chance)
    (very big chance)


    Is that what fear of commitment is?
    The thing that leads you to break up everything after a while?

    I mean... Usually I just try to force myself to try.. without actually having the real intention clearly there
    how far can you take it with trying?

    I think I am avoiding sending him today, because I feel confined.

    How do you guys deal with that?

    Like..
    I feel happy when I think of being with him in the now
    and then I feel dizzy and miserable when thinking of the future

    i didnt feel entirely like that before until it kind of became a truly real option

    is this normal?
    Last edited by Kit; 06-26-2018, 01:20 PM.

  • #2
    you are not too attracted to the guy that ask you to be exclusive you are just kind of settling... If you were to be with him... See attractive guys do not usually ask the girl to be exclusive... The girls usually win them over and push for "exclusiveness" and we avoid and avoid as much as possible....


    the guy that does not "have time for you" the key word is "you" .... he is not that into you for whatever reason, but guess what? that is the guy you like cause he is the one actually attractive...

    that is why you are so confused, there is 0 commitment phobia, he is just no attractive enough...

    Comment


    • Jack Gignac

      Jack Gignac

      commented
      Editing a comment
      skills you should post in Roosh V forum. way more active and less trolls etc.

  • #3
    Originally posted by Skills360 View Post
    See attractive guys do not usually ask the girl to be exclusive... .
    except when they indirectly do?
    i felt actually 1000 times more attracted to him the moment he stated he saw exclusivity as something we did until we decided otherwise.

    regarding whether i am more attracted to the other guy or not.. well i dont know, i dont know whether you are right..
    i mean yes, chemically i am more attracted to the other guy.. and the attentiveness of the other guy...
    but...
    i dont know.
    it felt like commitmentphobia because i am afraid of the future, while before it was reality that we could aim for a future together the future seemed attractive.
    it also feels like commitment phobia because well, when he asked me whether i wanted to define us i didnt know what to answer, while most people jump into and out of relationships all the time.

    The only relationship i have had was 3 months, of which 2 months were spent with the guy convincing me we should try and 1 month of me trying to figure out how to break it off, even though i was in love with the guy

    so yeah wtf is it then? commitment phobia or is it what you said, that i simply am not attracted enough to the guy?

    tbh i wouldnt bother anything like exclusivity if i didn't feel very attracted to the guy and hadn't been seeing him for 3 months.

    Comment


    • #4
      Originally posted by Kit View Post

      except when they indirectly do?
      i felt actually 1000 times more attracted to him the moment he stated he saw exclusivity as something we did until we decided otherwise.

      regarding whether i am more attracted to the other guy or not.. well i dont know, i dont know whether you are right..
      i mean yes, chemically i am more attracted to the other guy.. and the attentiveness of the other guy...
      but...
      i dont know.
      it felt like commitmentphobia because i am afraid of the future, while before it was reality that we could aim for a future together the future seemed attractive.
      it also feels like commitment phobia because well, when he asked me whether i wanted to define us i didnt know what to answer, while most people jump into and out of relationships all the time.

      The only relationship i have had was 3 months, of which 2 months were spent with the guy convincing me we should try and 1 month of me trying to figure out how to break it off, even though i was in love with the guy

      so yeah wtf is it then? commitment phobia or is it what you said, that i simply am not attracted enough to the guy?

      tbh i wouldnt bother anything like exclusivity if i didn't feel very attracted to the guy and hadn't been seeing him for 3 months.
      i already explained it to you...

      if the guy is requesting exclusivity he is in the down position and you see it as "i am the best he can get now" which is why they do that, to lock you in, subconsicously you probably know that...

      Attractive guys get the women trying to lock them in... has nothing to do with Commitmentphobia you got a dude that is not too attractive enough (high value enough)in your hands.... If not you would not be backward rationalizing like you are...

      Comment


      • #5
        "if the guy is requesting exclusivity he is in the down position and you see it as "i am the best he can get now" which is why they do that, to lock you in, subconsciously you probably know that..."

        I don't worry about being the best they can get, I worry about not being the one that they make changes for or will pay tons of attention to and end up fighting/disagreement/missing the opportunity with.
        There is a difference there Skills. I understand that you view attraction as an ego thing, which obviously it is, but the way in which it comes forward may be different for people.

        I chase love, not attraction.
        As I said, I have been seeing the guy for 3+ months, have been through the whole does he want better, or is he happy with me, or does he want better anyway?
        But that happened at both guys.

        And that's not what makes those 2 guys different and what causes the whole issue.
        Basically they both could have other girls, that's not the main difference ffs.

        Actually I think the chances of finding a better girl are lower for that guy who said he couldn't do a relationship with me
        than for the guy that was into exclusivity.

        I think our chemistry and matching is over the top at the nonrelationship guy.
        I think the exclusivity guy can't find someone 'nicer' than me, but i am pretty sure he will find tons of girls superattractive and maybe even more attractive than me.
        BUT that's not what worries me. So it's not that

        But thanks for the suggestion.
        Maybe you are right that I am too much into the other guy to really be able to commit fully

        And actually it's more complicated, but i cant write that down here.

        Comment


        • #6
          There are different types of commitment: one is based on the essence of wanting to share part of one's life together in whatever form fits everyone involved, and the other is based on defining specific forms in how to express that essence, usually picking from a set of pre-defined ones. The first can be a liberating experience, the latter is highly likely to fail you in the long term, since it stifles personal growth.

          Usually when people start talking about commitment or relationships, they talk about the latter, which is why you rightly feel threatened by it.

          The first type is more of a statement of priority, something like "I think highly of you, so I'll make an effort to prioritize my time to make room for you however well I can". This can actually add to your life without necessarily restraining you by creating a specific form of interaction one has to follow through with, even if it doesn't fit you anymore after a while.

          So no, I don't think you're suffering from any irrational phobia here, but a very rational and wise one that's there to teach you to chose better.

          Jester

          Comment


          • #7
            hes mind fucking you with pity logic

            attatchment isnt something that should come from him imposing his relationship agenda on you

            he said that stuff now cuz he figured, fuck it, i wanna feel closer to her, cuz he felt you slipping away

            how about you just take a rewind, hit pause, and then...
            remain in the predicament without any answer to it
            cuz i dunno what to do from there :P


            but my point is, its his logic making the future shitty
            remove the logic, but preserve or recreate or bargain for a better deal

            Comment


            • #8
              Thanks guys, food for thought

              Comment


              • #9
                There's no such thing as commitment phobia. That's a silly claim made in lieu of being honest enough to say "I do not want to commit to you."

                Comment


                • #10
                  Originally posted by Skills360 View Post

                  i already explained it to you...

                  if the guy is requesting exclusivity he is in the down position and you see it as "i am the best he can get now" which is why they do that, to lock you in, subconsicously you probably know that...

                  Attractive guys get the women trying to lock them in... has nothing to do with Commitmentphobia you got a dude that is not too attractive enough (high value enough)in your hands.... If not you would not be backward rationalizing like you are...
                  this is one of the most frustrating thing about seduction. I find when I reach a new level i'm never satisfied with it. For example I could lock down 8s easily and not 8.5. Now 8.5s easily and not 9s but now I crave 9.5s. It's like my sexual appetite gets supercompensated which is probably why the game is so addictive. probably after you get 10s easily like Leo you crave orgys with 10s etc. then anal etc etc just gets redicolous caligula level.

                  Comment


                  • #11
                    Originally posted by Kit View Post
                    Also know I can never be honest about my past with the guy.
                    And that there is a chance he will never truly understand me.
                    (big chance)
                    (very big chance)
                    So you did things you regret that you think that the guy will hate you for? How about you try to be honest and see how he reacts? Worst thing that can happen is that you lose a guy with which it wasn't gonna work out with anyways, right? Also, girls seem to under-estimate guys on a regular basis, that one reason guys here started to do "sex talk" for example.

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                    • #12
                      uhm

                      he seems to think pretty black and white regarding people
                      i dont doubt his view on a girl which has had 100+ sexual partners is going to be very.. black?

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                      • #13
                        anyway, i kind of set him free.. it seems like he doesnt even put in effort right now to stay in touch so idk

                        gonna see what the future brings

                        the sad truth is that i dont really miss him but the comfort and sweetness he offered and the fact that we seemed to be on a similar value level.. dunno
                        confusing stuff

                        i just figured out i could never be truly a possibly fair person in my own eyes if I kept him hanging while pining after another guy daily

                        i miss the other guy like hell, while the other guy offered me nothing

                        i dont know

                        its confusing, keep wanting to see it as black and white..
                        try to figure out whether the feely magical chemistry guy can be the future for me and offer me more

                        or that it is the nonmagical real guy that will be the best future partner (or not because of the lack of the magical chemistry)

                        but they aint linked to each other.. likeee
                        they both could be good or bad or either one of it, regardless of the chemical compatibility level or our banterlevel/space

                        oh also
                        someone talked about whether he should find me a marriage partner

                        i answered “hell no, the chance of you finding someone I truly like is almost nihil”

                        then started thinking on both of the guys and I know the truth..
                        i am just not ready to acknowledge it

                        i just dont want a future with the commitmentphobia guy..
                        but well.. never say never

                        Comment


                        • #14
                          Originally posted by Kit View Post
                          uhm

                          he seems to think pretty black and white regarding people
                          i dont doubt his view on a girl which has had 100+ sexual partners is going to be very.. black?
                          you know what else is black

                          formal shoes

                          Maybe he'll just be like "woohoo new shoes"

                          /insanity

                          Comment


                          • #15
                            XD

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